Beyond the Words

I've found myself explaining the adoption process to many people lately. One thing I've come to realize is the lack of knowledge when it comes to Adoption and foster care. I don't blame you. I didn't know much about it until I was thrown into the trenches. I can remember picking my neighbors brain with oodles of questions about adoption before we started this journey. I probably ask some pretty stupid questions, perhaps even insulting ones.

So to give you a little picture into our world right now, I thought I would explain the process to you a bit. After completing our three mandatory educational classes, formal application and home study with Bethany Christian Services we were officially approved. That whole process took about 8 months. During this time we began fundraising, which is essential since the total bill of a domestic (USA) infant adoption costs in between $30,000-$40,000. January 31st of 2017 we were place on the adoption waiting list. This list in complied of other waiting families just like us who have been approved. Each family is asked to create a personal Profile book (Photo Book) which goes into detail about your family, extended family, where you live and what you like to do in your free time. These profile books will be what birth parents receive when deciding who they want as their child's adoptive parents.

Once on the waiting list you will receive situations (birth parents making adoption plans for their child) via a personal portal through Bethany. Most situations are infants but occasionally an older child situation will come through. Even if they're older it still costs the same amount of money and it's not consider foster care because the mother is choosing to make an adoption plan, rather than the state getting involved and removing a child from their home.

Once we review the situation which is a word document with all the details of the situation, if you and your spouse feel comfortable moving forward you write back asking the staff at Bethany to present your profile book to the birth parents, along with other families profile books. This is where it gets hard.

I will tell you from personal experience each situation we receive is NEVER "normal." There is always a unique part to each story that can make some families uncomfortable, which could make certain families not want to purse that particular situation. You have to decided are you ok which a child that was exposed to drugs or alcohol in the womb? Are you ok with a child who's biological parents are mentally ill or who have HIV? If they're older, are you ok which a child who has been exposed to violence, abuse or neglect? Are you ok with a child who may be physically disabled after birth? Are you ok with a baby of a different race? Do you want to have an open or closed adoption? Are you ok with a sibling group? The list goes on and on!

After we put our profile book in we wait. Bethany asks we give them and the birth parents three weeks to review profiles. If it goes past three weeks, we can contact our social worker and ask for an update. Once a family has been identified we will receive an email via our online portal letting us know a family has been matched for that particular situation.

Thus far this year we have been presented with 15 situations. We were picked for one which fell through. In the adoption word this is call a "disturbance." So 14 situations came through, we turned down two for various reasons, which leaves us with 12 birth parents who didn't pick us as their child's adoptive parents. As I mentioned before, it's hard not to take it personally.

After all that being said the most difficult part of this process for me would have to be remembering that beyond those words, there is a child worth loving. Amongst all the scary possibilities of who you could bring into your home, there is a child who deserves a chance. Who deserves love. Who deserves the world.

I recently read a quote that said "Don't let your fear of what could happen, make nothing happen."
This is a very scary, unnerving process, but I know everything we want is on the other side of those papers. Chad and I grab each other's hands each time and jump off the edge together, praying we land on both feet.

Empty

This morning was one of those mornings where I walked by our empty nursery and I stopped. Most mornings I walk by the open door and I don't even notice it but today I stopped, walked in and sat in the rocking chair and stared for longer than I would like to admit. I looked at all the baby gear I've accumulated over the past year since we decided to peruse adoption. The crib, car seat, stroller, changing table, baby toys and boxes of diapers gifted to us at our baby shower in March. Yup we had a baby shower for the baby we were supposed to bring home in the spring. It was just as you would imagine. A buffet of baby themed food, Diapers and wipes galore and adorable baby boy clothes. After the shower we brought everything home and in true Julie fashion I immediately organized everything. I remember sitting in the nursery that very same day staring. Staring at the crib, car sear, stroller, changing table, baby toys and diapers just like today but instead feeling a sense of relief. That day I felt like all our waiting was over. I would no longer hold jealously towards my friends who were pregnant and having babies. Our family would finally be complete and I wouldn't have to walk past an empty nursery everyday and think about Camden not being there.

But here we are six months later still walking past an empty nursery. Sitting there today, I didn't feel a sense of relief. I felt a sense of urgency and fear. I felt a lack of hope and faith. I kept counting the years Cali and our possible future baby would have in between each other. Cali would no longer be a sibling she would be a babysitter. I felt a feeling of doubt like this is never going to happen. Everyone around us sounds so confident this will happen. It's all in God's timing right? But when you're living it, it seems impossible.

Last week I counted the number of situations we were not picked for. 11 birth mothers looked through our profile book and decided for whatever reason we were not her child's adoptive parents. It's hard not to take it personally and wonder what is wrong with our family or how we present our selves. We were warned when we started this process that we could wait longer than other families because we already have a child. Many birth moms prefer families without children. But I thought how could they not like us? Look how cute Cali is and don't they know how fun and awesome we are? But all they have is a 20 page book to base their decision off of. They don't get to see our personality. They don't get to meet Cali or talk with us. They look a pictures and maybe read a paragraph about us bragging about ourselves. In every job I've applied too, I almost always got the job if I had the interview. I wish we could get an interview with a birth mom! I know they would love us. The one we did have, she picked us!

The unfortunate part is there are 21 other awesome families waiting along side us. And while I want nothing more than to be picked and move on from this, I need to wait with patience and grace, no matter how hard it is. The only way to make it through this is annoying but true..."It's all in God's timing."

We'll Wait

Yesterday after seeing a dear friend of mine update her family and friends on their adoption journey, I got inspired to do the same.

In May of 2016 we started our adoption journey. A few months later we started the home study process, fundraising and getting approved for adoption. We were officially approved January 31st, 2017 and have been on the family waiting list since then. As many of you know, birth mom situations were coming in at a rapid rate during those first few months and we were chosen for a situation in Ohio. Things moved quickly and we traveled to Columbus to complete our family. But our trip was cut short after 3 days with the baby, when birth mom decided she would parent.

Feeling defeated we traveled home in silence wondering if we could go through this again. How could we trust another birth mom after going through this? How could we travel out of state with no guarantee we would come home with a child? Who do we keep in the loop going forward? It didn't take long for us to begin reviewing new birth mom situations. Knowing we wanted a child meant we had to keep trucking forward and put our complete faith in God and the process. During the next few months until now, situations have been slim to none. Hearing the ding of my e-mail on my iphone or having an incoming call from an unknown number always makes my heart skip a beat. Maybe just maybe they're calling to say they have a baby waiting for us right now and we needed to jump on a plane to go to them. While that seems unrealistic, it does happen.

Adoptions fall through and people get calls a few days later for another child. Unfortunately this is not how Bethany Christian Services work. We simply go back on the list and birth moms get to pick their adoptive family, no matter how long a family has been waiting or what their adoption journey has been like. Part of the reason we appreciated working with Bethany was because we knew moms were being counseled and taken care of as well. They are given choices and resource to give them the confidence to parent their child. While I know this is the best for them, deep down inside I ache so much for a baby I forget to think about birth moms and their journey. I don't want to wait any longer and I'm so desperate to grow my family, I've become selfish in the process.

Right now I'm working hard at having patience and understanding. I want to know when we bring a child into our home, a mom was given all her choices and still felt the need for adoption. I want to provide a loving home for a child, not take a child from a mother who could provide the same if given the resources and help. My hope is to have a relationship with our child's birth parents so they don't have to experience the pain of completely losing a child like we have. We want to give them the opportunity to be a part of their child's life.

With all the being said, we continue to wait for that family. One who needs us as much as we need them. Life is so unpredictable. It could change at any moment. And We can't wait for "that moment."

In the mean time, we will continue to fundraiser and we will try our best to keep everyone updated as things change.

Thanks for your love and support!

4 years old

This blog is really just random thoughts I'm feeling today:

August 22nd, 2017 would have been Camden's 4th birthday. It sounds so bizarre to say that. I remember him as an infant babbling and cooing but to picture him as a 4 year is nearly impossible for me. My heart is no longer stuck in the "what if" stage but rather in the "this is reality" stage. I once sat around wondering what life would be like if Camden were still here but now I've moved towards my reality. Reality is Camden hasn't been here for 3 and a half years. We have spend our lives predominantly a family of three and its hard to remember any different. Both stages are equally painful for me. Living in reality makes me feel heartless and almost like i've forgotten about Camden. Living 6 months with two children was wonderful but very short. I can't remember what it was like. I can't remember his personality or his schedule. I can't remember his movements or his smell.

All I have are his pictures. The pictures tell me I had a son. They say we were a happy family of four and Cali had a bother. But reality is, it doesn't feel like it. Cali speaks of him less and less and most of the people in our lives never met him or even know about him. This is our reality.

This afternoon I went to visit Camden and ironically there was a funeral taking place at the church where he is burried. I sat in front of his grave remembering the day we laid him to rest and the events that led up to his funeral and the weeks to follow his funeral. I can remember every detail of the day he died. I can remember who was there that night in the hospital and at our house when we came home. I can remember three days later going shopping with my sisters at the mall for a dress to wear to my son's funeral. I remember Chad and I picking out a baby sized casket and grave stone. I remember lots of flowers being delivered and visits from people I hadn't seen in a while. I remember Pastor Adam walking us through all the details of a funeral and holding our hands as we followed. I remember being over whelmed by how many people came to his funeral and showered their love over my family and Chad and myself. I remember going to Florida shortly after his funeral with my parents and Chad and Cali. I can remember it being awful but also needed. I can remember getting meals from people at church for three months following his death. I can remember randomly getting cards in the mail up to year after.

My biggest fear all along has been people forgetting about him. Forgetting the dates and forgetting what he meant to us. Honestly, this has started to happen but I realized something very important today. People may forget but Chad and I won't. Camden will always be our son and a part of this family. We will never leave him behind. He will be with us in spirit always.

I'll end with this. Today while I was driving around my old stomping grounds I couldn't help but think about my childhood and all the special memories I share from Conestoga, Pequea BIC & Penn Manor. Looking at myself today and seeing how far I've come from being a child, a teenager, a young adult and now a woman, I'm pretty darn proud of myself. I was once an insecure, naive, scared little girl. I'm now confident, strong and bold. Dealing with Camden's death has strengthened me and continues to show me what I can over come.

I used to laugh when people told me, Chad and I were strong. I didn't believe it. But today I say with confidence...We're strong.

When 30 feels more like 40

As many of you may know, two weeks ago I turned 30. I feel like the big 3-0 gets a bad rap from most people but for me it felt like any other day. I didn't have a panic attack saying good bye to my 20's, in fact I feel like a new decade equals a fresh start. I look forward to what 30 may bring. But I have been struggling this summer because I just turned 30 but sometimes I feel much older than that.

As Cali gets older it's a constant reminder of how different our little family is than most of our peers. Cali is getting more independent, going to over night camp, sleeping over at friends houses and naturally spending less time with Chad and I. While I'm happy we have an independent, strong child, it disheartens me to know our time with her is short and more precious than ever. When Cali is away, essentially we're empty nesters, at 30. I know some of you over whelmed parents are rolling your eyes at our freedom but it's not all it's cracked up to be. When you've dreamed of having children, you picture what life will look like at different stages. Such as, when Cali went to Kindergarten I imagined having another child keeping me company while she was a school. When she went to over night camp, I imagined we would get some special one on one time with her sibling. When she goes into Middle school, she would have a family member trailing behind her in elementary school. But as of now, it's just her, and each stage feels like a huge loss.

Because we can never fully predict the future, I can't say for sure we will have more children. Obviously we're doing everything in our power to bring a child home but we can't know for sure. So while we eagerly wait, we have to hold on to these moments with Cali because they could be our last. It sounds so depressing and morbid but reality is we don't have three or four kids to enjoy each stage with...or not enjoy :p We have our one...and only.

So 30 for me feels a bit like 40. I'm having an incredible amount of parental freedom as Cali gets more independent. Most of my friends are tied down with baby schedules, nap times and strict bed times but we're moving away from that stage. It's odd because we're relating more to 40 year olds than 30 year olds.

My patience is growing thin as we wait to adopt. Getting so close and losing out on our first opportunity has been excruciating. Everyday I loose a little more hope and I don't know how to regain it.

I pray this new decade will bring contentment, hope and self-worth out side of being a mommy.

Being a good person is for the best

I never thought I was particularly good at anything. This isn’t a pity party I’m just being honest. To society I’m a pretty normal person who hasn’t excelled at any kind of sport, musical instrument, school subject or job. I recon most of us would be in this boat. We can’t all be super stars right? But from little on up we’re told we’re special and we have unique qualities that make us who we are. Although we might not be recognized for those unique qualities because it’s not what our society deems as important, I do believe we have the right to celebrate ourselves and our loved ones for those “special” characteristics and talents we all have with in us.

This has been on my mind a lot because Cali recently started participating in organized sports. And while I would like to think Cali is amazing at soccer and one day she may be a member of the Olympic Woman’s soccer team (which she may be, who knows) I have to remember that being an amazing athlete can only takes you so far in life.

Coaching 4, 5 & 6 years old was eye opening for me. Much too my surprise the are crazy sideline parents even at this age. If I’m being honest I felt myself falling into that category a few times. When you see your child score a goal, you hope the whole world saw it. You’re proud and start planning their future as a devoted soccer player with tons of trophy’s and medals hanging in their bedroom. But it’s at those moments I have to stop and consider what I’m going to say to Cali when she runs to me in excitement after her great success. Do I say “great job! YOU did great!” Or do I say “way to be a team player. Everyone passed the ball so well for you to be able to score that goal.”

Is scoring the goal more important or is working on a team more important? Well I think we all know what society would tell our children, which I find incredibly disappointing, especially when these children are most likely to grow up to be “average” adults but expecting the super star treatment.

As our season came to an end last week, I decided to give out awards to each one of our players. Don’t worry not participation awards but I thought long and hard about good qualities each player used during our season. Some of those awards were; Most determined, Best Team Player, Most improved and most dedicated. I wanted them know they did more than just score goals and win games, they worked hard. And because of that hard work they had a successful season.

I know all this may sound cliche but I think as parents it’s always a good reminder. I know it’s very easy to get caught up in making our child the best at something. But is being the best really that important. From what I’ve observed, being on the top can be very lonely. Being a rock star can bring temporary happiness. Being an amazing athlete can be incredibly rewarding when you’re young but what happens when you graduate and get older

I remember reading in the news a few years back about the academic- athlete scandal at North Carolina University. In short, professors were passing student athletes through their classes so they could continue playing for the college. Some of these students were still at an elementary reading level. The one professor who finally stepped up and brought light to the scandal was basically shunned by the school, received death threats and was called a liar. All in the name of “being the best.” How were the adults in these students’ lives preparing them for life after college? They failed these students, for what? A national championship? A banner hung at the school? And for what cost? A students chance to learn, work hard and to be honest.

We can no longer allow society to make moral calls for our children. Currently our society says be the best, be on top no matter what the cost. No matter whom you hurt, even if you need to lie. I’m here to tell you being the best is over rated. Being a great person with dignity and compassion will get you much farther in life.
I pray Cali will excel at something she loves but I also pray she will excel at being the best person she can possibly be, regardless of how popular it makes her.

What makes you who you are? What are your best qualities? What makes you special?

13 Reasons why

I've heard a lot of controversy over the new Netflix original series 13 Reasons Why, based off the book written by Jay Asher. I was very curious so of course I binged watched all 13 episodes like any true millennial would. After completing the series I thought long and hard over what I had just watched. It was so heavy and thought provoking, I needed time to digest.

The controversy of this book and now TV show is based around a girl who commits suicide and leaves behind 13 tapes giving the reasons why she did what she did. Some believe this is putting ideas into teenagers heads that shouldn't be there. That this show and book has glorified committing suicide. This situation has taken me back a few years to when MTV aired the first episode of Teen Mom. Everyone was freaking out, saying the show was encouraging girls to get pregnant at a young age and implying you could get on TV for being a Teen Mom. As I watched the show I remember thinking how important the show's message was. They depicted just how hard life is when children have children. They showed raw footage of heart break, family fights, financial problems and needing to drop out of school to name a few. These girls took the opportunity to share their hard stories in order to change someone else's life. Ironically, teen pregnancy has dropped since Teen Mom aired in 2009. You can read more about it here: http://time.com/825/does-16-and-pregnant-prevent-or-promote-teen-pregnancy/

With that being said, I understand the fears we as parents have with what we should allow our children to watch and read. We do everything in our power to protect them but the reality is they live in a big world and they will see upsetting and scary things. 13 Reason's why is a realistic depiction of what high school might look like for students who don't have a strong support system. And this is why I think this TV series would benefit parents and educators most. If you're not going to allow your child to watch it, that is fine but I encourage you as parents to watch it. It was gut wrenching at time but these are the students your kids are going to school with everyday. Who knows, maybe it's your kid.

One part that resonated with me was hearing several of the parents in the show saying "my kid would never do that, I know my kid." But, they didn't really know their kids at all. I feel like 13 Reasons why gave me insight in a teenagers mind, which is the only way we can begin to understand and relate to them.

Working as a youth pastor for several years, I heard scary things from my students. I couldn't believe the pressures they dealt with on a daily basis. From peers, parents, teachers, coaches and from themselves. We need to make sure we are doing everything in our power to support our children as they navigate through adolescences. Don't shy away from these tough conversations. Don't hide them from the scary stuff. Don't shelter them from the world. What I learned from the show, walk along side them. Teach them skills to handle tough situations. Talk with them about their feelings. Start an open communications policy at a young age. Provide for their emotional needs as much as their physical needs. And most of all, be present.

If you do decide to let your teenager watch this (in my opinion best for Juniors and Seniors), watch it with them. Ask them questions. Talk about it. Be a part of the solution. Adult involvement in a child's life is the most important aspect of their adolescence years. A parent has the most influential and important job for a child's future. Don't let someone else do your job, step up and give them your time and attention.

Suicide
Sexual Assault
Rape
Bullying
Loneliness
Drugs
Alcohol are all real problems for teenagers. Don't ignore the signs.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255

Why go to church?

Oh man, I'll start off by saying this blog is going to be hard for me to write. I'm finding it hard to articulate the thoughts in my head so this could be interesting! This blog, like many of my blogs, was a manifestation of reoccurring conversations I've been having with many different people. I've been involved in several conversations over the past month about church (I know, a very broad topic). More specifically the role church plays in different people's lives. The beauty of the diversity God put within each of us is we all have different ideas on how church should fit into our lives or better yet why church should fit into our lives. These questions are answered differently by each individual person.

For myself, church has become a place where I have formed close friendships and I have discovered a community of people who I want to walk life with. If I wouldn't be involved in a church I would have never had this opportunity. I personally struggle with attending Sunday morning services because it doesn't do much for me and it's become a bit of a chore. When you've grown up in a church, worked on a staff at a church and attend a church it's really hard to see something different. Once you've seen one church service you've seen them all. And the traditional church service does nothing for someone with ADD and who is a hands on learner. If I'm being frank, I go church on Sunday mornings to see my friends, have Cali participate in Sunday School and maybe have a lunch date with friends afterwords.

Now Chad and I are involved in a home church that meets twice a month. It's here where I find true meaning in church. We gather around a table and eat. We share stories and the struggles in our lives. We open the bible and challenge one another to think outside the box. We pray for one another and we experience God together. So for me personally I could never attend Sunday morning church again and I think I would be fine, but if I missed home church or spending time with my community I would be devastated.

There are other people in my life who would see Sunday morning church differently than I. Some may find it incredibly energizing and uplifting. Some may find a sermon and lecture to be a great way to learn about God and the bible. Some may appreciate the non social aspect to a church service and others may find church scary and uninviting. Some people may need a break from Sunday morning church and all the baggage that comes along with it. Like my friends and I who have experienced unpleasant situations and we're just not ready to face the Sunday morning crowd yet.

Whatever the reason you attend Sunday morning church or not, lets remember that God created us all differently. If he expected all of us to worship the same he would have created us the same. Just like in school, we can't expect every student to learn the same. I need conversation, debate and face to face interaction to learn well. Some need one on one rather than a crowd. Others need a good old lecture and note taking. I don't think Sunday morning church is meant for everyone. In fact I don't think church is for everyone.

We have to ask ourselves, What are we getting out of church? Is church just a building? Does going to a church need to happen in order for me to be a true follower of Jesus Christ? Can my presence at church make a difference in someone else's life? Where and how can I be fed spiritually if I don't participate in a regular church service?

I continue to ask myself these questions on a regular basis. And I hope you do too. I recognize and admit my struggle with church but I also know the church has been so good to and for my family.

My advice to you, Never stop asking why you do what you do. When you stop asking you forget how important those things truly can be in your life.

We're doing the best we can.

My heart has been heavy for too long. It's almost like my heart hasn't had a break for years. I feel much older than my actual age with the journey I have walked. Through it all, I feel like I lost a part of me that I will never get back. The beautiful part of my journey is gaining new friends who have walked similar paths as I have. The truth is the only people who can comfort you in your sorrows are the ones who understand. When your in the grief process the only people you want to talk to are the ones going through pain themselves. There is a special bond that no one else can understand unless you walked the path of infertility or trying to grow a family unsuccessfully. I think of it as a sisterhood really.

Along with the grief you share with your own story, you take on your friends stories as well. You become their cheerleader, defender, shoulder to cry on and everything else in between. When they call and tell you they're pregnant you rejoice with them. When they call and tell you there is complications you pray like you never prayed before. When they call and tell you they lost the baby your pissed. You yell and scream at God like it was your own. You understand the hurt they are going through all over again and your heart hurts for them.

When they call and tell you they were picked by a birth mom you scramble and plan a baby shower because well why else? Because they need baby stuff! When you see them in person beaming ear to ear over their new bundle of joy, you feel warm inside for their happiness. When they call and tell you the mom changed her mind, you go silent and start the grief process all over again.

Again, these are the feelings I go through just for my friends walking the same journey. On top of it I have my own story. I feel like i'm constantly cheering, praying, pleading and screaming. When we will get a break? I don't understand why it has to be so hard for some of us? Why do some have years of pain, uncertainty and failure, while others seem to ease right along? Why do people who don't even want children have them at the most inopportune times but families trying and trying to grow their family have to wait for what seems to be a lifetime? Why does a family like mine, who has a fully equipped nursery and all the resources and support to raise a child, have an empty crib?

I know none of you reading this can answer these questions but it can't hurt to write them out, right? I really hope my friends and I will see the light at the end of the tunnel sooner than later. I pray God will re-energize our hearts so we can smile again and feel alive again. I think many of us are feeling pretty numb right now. It's our only line of defense to not constantly feel the pain.

If you're not someone who has walked this journey consider yourself lucky! The best way you can support us is to cheer with us, pray for us and cry with us when needed. Sometimes we won't respond to your texts and calls. We might not come to your baby showers or jump for joy at the announcement of your pregnancy but it doesn't mean we don't love you, just remember our hearts are heavy as we walk this journey. We're doing the best we can.

Carissa <3 Kristy <3 Chelsea <3 Amber <3 Kristen <3 Jess <3 I'm these girls biggest cheerleaders!

I hate that I need it

Feeling. Do you ever wish you could just stop feeling? Do you ever wish your mind could shut off? Do you ever wish you could be in the presence of others with out having to speak? This is me. This is where i'm at. I'm emotionally exhausted and I have no energy to invest in conversations, texts or phone calls. If you have reached out to Chad or I in the past week and have not received a response, I'm sorry. Mostly I don't know what to say back. I wonder, if I respond will more questions follow? If I respond will I be obligated to get together with that person? If I respond how do I not sound like a jerk?

Any wise person will tell you, everyone grieves differently. For me I shut down, I push away and I need space. The first night we were home I couldn't even sleep in bed with Chad because I felt claustrophobic. I needed time to think, process and be with my thoughts. Chad understood. I hate crying in front of people. I hate making people around me feel uncomfortable. I hate when people say hurtful things to me, when they don't even know they did. I hate being a burden to my family and friends. I hate being taken care of all the time. I hate being pitied.

A person who feels this way is certainly humbled by experiences like those that Chad and I have been through. You learn very quickly you need a support system. You need people constantly checking in on you. You need meals, babysitting, coffee dates, forced outings and to talk about your feelings with people you trust. As hard as it may be, this is the only way to pull you out of your despair. You cannot do it on your own.

Shortly after Camden died Chad and I attended a support group for grieving parents. We only attended twice but in those two times we encountered people who had no support system and we saw first hand what that looked like. It was concerning to say the least. Many of the parents had been attending the monthly grief group for decades, sharing the same stories about there deceased children and desperate for someone to listen. Many of them never touched the rooms their children once slept in. Some shared their stories with so much anger you didn't know what they were capable of. We could see a stark difference in those who had a strong support system and those who did not.

I'm so grateful for all of you who reached out to me. Even if I didn't respond, please know I needed to hear from you. Your love was felt. For the past three years I wondered why I still participated in church when I doubted the way I did. God and I weren't on speaking terms so what would church do for me? And then in moments like these I know why I still go to church. I need the people, the community. I need the support.

When in doubt.

I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was feeling inspired by a sense of hope. I was noticing how far I had come since Camden's death. But now working through another loss, my doubts are stronger than ever. I'm clinging to these words I wrote and trying not to let go of my faith. It's ok to doubt... It's a part of my journey.

First let me start off with a disclaimer. I’m neither a scholar, nor a spiritual leader and I’m not even that bright but I have a lot of experience when it comes to doubt. As your typical PK (Pastor’s Kid) I started my religious journey in the womb. My father was a pastor, my grandfather was an evangelist and three of my uncles worked in the ministry as well. When I was born I was already on the path for greatness…so I thought. I spend most of my life at church functions, hanging out with church friends or serving in the community with my church. My faith was solid or at least my church attendance was. I had a happy childhood with a lot of fond memories.

If you’re about to click out of the browser in disgust, I get it. I thought my life was perfect too. I thought as long as I kept doing what I was doing I was unstoppable. Well little did I know in that book we sometimes read on Sunday mornings, it said we WILL experience difficulties (John 16:33), we WILL have trials (1 Peter 4:12) and we WILL suffer. No matter how short or how long your life is, you will experience pain, loss and grief. This is the unfortunate debt we pay for the sin in the world.

I never thought my debt would be so costly or painful. After getting married at 20, having my first child at 23 and my second at 26 I was rolling right along in life. But one day everything stopped. My faith was rocked to its core and I never saw God the same again. February 25th, 2014 my beautiful son Camden died in his sleep at six months old. He died from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). It was then I realized how very shallow my faith in God was. At 26 years old I was picking out a baby coffin for my son, something so unnatural and I was told to trust God in his process…Yeah it was then when doubt reared its ugly head. After receiving cards and messages reading “Camden’s in a better place now,” I lost all faith in Christianity itself. This was the stuff we were buying into?

I would like to say, in my darkest hour I clung to God for wisdom and hope but the truth is, I did what I thought was best at the time, I shut God out. I didn’t try to repair things, I became very cynical and I doubted his very existence.

Eventually over time questions started creeping back into my mind. God questions. Questions probably only God could answer. I tried really hard to suppress them and shove them away but they lingered in my mind, when I was trying to sleep, during church services (Yes I still went to church), while I was driving, when it was quiet and when I was trying to work. It was at the forefront of my mind and I was done avoiding it. How can a woman who grew up to love Jesus just drop him like that?

Thus, where this blog came from. I decided a good way to start my journey back to faith was to present all my questions I had to God himself. I had SO many questions, questions you would never ask in church. Questions that would make you feel like a heathen. Questions that were sarcastic in tone but yet justifiable. I started journaling these questions. I carried a notepad in my purse and when a question would come to mind I would jot it down before I forgot. I did nothing with the questions at first except acknowledge them. Then I decided to start asking God the questions. I wasn’t praying (I wasn’t there yet) I was simply presenting my questions to God and hoping he would respond, perhaps by a mysterious letter in the mail, like in the book “The Shack.” But no letter came. Then I started mediating over my questions. I allowed quiet time for listening after I ask God my questions. I’ve been told my family has this nasty habit of asking questions but not listening to the answer. So I listened. Although I never heard God speak directly I do believe the Holy Spirit was working in me at the time. The Holy Spirit kept pushing me to dig deeper and to not give up on God.

I’m happy to say I haven’t given up on God just yet. I’m far from healed but I continue to work on it. I think there is a myth that still exists in churches today and that is; doubt is a sign of spiritual weakness. But I challenge you to consider it differently. Perhaps doubt is a sign of spiritual growth. Author Julia Baird puts it well when she said “Just as courage is persisting in the face of fear, so faith is persisting in the presence of doubt. Faith becomes then a commitment, a practice and a pact that is usually sustained by belief. But doubt is not just a roiling, or vulnerability; it can also be a strength. Doubt acknowledges our own limitations and confirms — or challenges — fundamental beliefs, and is not a detractor of belief but a crucial part of it.”

So if reading my blog today because your heart and mind are filled of doubt, don’t be discouraged. God can handle the questions and doubt. Bring it to the table and see where it leads you. I promise you, it won’t be a waste of your time.

Broken

So here we are again. Three years later and we're once again grieving the lost of a child. Nothing can possibly prepare you for times like these. No amount of faith or support can take away the pain. I know we only spent three days with him, but we held him, loved him and we were prepared to bring him into our family. I know there is another side to the story which we cannot understand but I'm still furious, angry, bitter and downright mad.

If you haven't moved through the adoption process it's hard to explain all the ins and outs of the journey. One thing that is constantly drilled into your brain is to be mindful of the birth mom and her journey. Don't get me wrong, I understand how hard it is to let go of a child and continue doing life but I think there should be more talk about also being mindful of adoptive parents journeys. I can't speak for all adoptive parents but the ones I've encountered all had very long journey's full of heart ache and disappointment.

People like Chad and I. People who lost children of their own. People who could never conceive. People who miscarried more times than they can count on their fingers. Most of these people have gone into significant debt to have people toy around with their emotions and who put a price on having a family.

So when we talk about the adoption journey let's not forget about the other half. The people who are driving home after their hearts were exploding of excited only a few short days ago and who are now weeping because it's been snatched away from them. We trusted our birth mom. She assured us she would not change her mind. She felt confident we were his parents. But something changed. I could feel it. And I'm hurt because Chad and I opened our hearts, included her in the process and agreed to an open adoption but look where it got us.
My faith has dwindled and I'm starting to lose hope if God and in growing my family. One thing is for sure, I know I can't handle another blow like this.

A little girl with a big heart

Something bizarre and usual took place today. While riding home on the bus, Cali got teary and cried because she was missing Camden. Her dear friend who sits with on the bus was talking about her baby brother and I guess this sparked some unresolved emotions that were brought back to the surface for Cali. Through this entire journey Chad and I have walked, so has Cali. She walk alongside us as we grieved, started Camden's Run, went through IVF and now the adoption process. She has been amazingly strong through it all but as she has gotten older she has been able to articulate her feelings more to us. Sometimes it's her simple statements that make the biggest impact in our day.

"Can we look through Camden's picture book?"
"Remember when I used to help you give Camden's baths?"
"I want Camden back."
"I want a baby now."
"When I grow up who will be my brother and sister?"
"It's not fair."

Really we don't need to say much more than that. All those questions and statements are completely validated. Some days I just want to kick and scream until someone gives me a baby. But obviously that won't work. I've actually learned a lot watching Cali grieve. Sometimes kids get is so right. Cry when it feels right. Ask questions when you have them. Work towards what you want but understand it might not happen over night.

Now, our journey to bring another child into this family has been going on for 3 years. In the span of a lifetime it seems so small but in the mind of a child it seems like eternity. Cali has been patiently waiting her turn to be a sister again and I pray to Jesus it will be soon. I wish I could make this easier on her but I understand I can't fix everything. I'm grateful she has cousins who are like brothers and sisters to her. I'm happy she has many friends who she spends lots of time with. This make things easier. It doesn't take the pain away but it certainly eases it.

Please pray for Cali love as you navigates this journey with us. Pray we can have the right words to help her understand and that a baby is in our near future <3

Life is but a dream

Life is but a dream

Some days it feels like a bad dream,
Other days it feels just as it seems,
We keep doing what we know best,
Keeping our head above water with only a life vest.
Some days the tide is calm and still, relaxing,
Other days the tide is rough and harsh, taxing.
We fear the unknown which lurks below us,
But we still jump in, curious of what waits for us.
Some days the water is warm and inviting, summery,
Other days the water is cold and displeasing, blustery.
How can something so beautiful promise both pleasure and gloom?
Why can’t the ocean be like the picture on the wall, the ocean we presume?
We get so jealous of that ocean, the one on the wall,
Because we know it’s but a dream to us all.
Life isn’t full of just sunsets and ocean tunes,
It ebbs and flows with the sun and the moon.
It rises and it falls because the tide is never the same,
But don’t let this diminish your fire and flame.
It’s worth the risk to find out what lurks below,
You never know if it’s an opportunity to grow.
God gave us life to live, take chances,
Don’t wish for the picture on the wall, enhance it.
Make your own masterpiece that is from the heart and real,
What’s normal anyways? You decide how your life should feel.
Chose to feel happy, sad and everywhere in between,
because real life should be and deserves to be seen.


Love,
Julie

Fat Shaming

fat sham·ing
noun
1.the action or practice of humiliating someone judged to be fat or overweight by making mocking or critical comments about their size.

It's come to my attention that our society has a SERIOUS problem with fat shaming (See definition above). It sounds like such a horrible word and it is! You would think in a country when there are more over weight adults than not, we would know how to look past someones size. Here are some fun statistics for you:

More than two-thirds (68.8 percent) of adults are considered to be overweight or obese. More than one-third (35.7 percent) of adults are considered to be obese. More than 1 in 20 (6.3 percent) have extreme obesity. Almost 3 in 4 men (74 percent) are considered to be overweight or obese. (https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/health-statistics/Pages/overweight-obesity-statistics.aspx)

Now, I'm not condoning living an unhealthy life style. Actually this has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with the little comments I hear...from people I'm pretty sure don't even know what they're saying is "fat shaming." You can even fat shame yourself or someone you love and not even know it!

Examples of fat shaming:
Wow, Lady Gaga has a belly.

I'm being naughty today and eating French Fries.

Do you know how many calories are in that?

You have a beautiful face. (As an over weight person, this is the worst)

I'm not going to eat today since I ate so bad yesterday.

Seconds?

Jesus, what happened to Kelly Clarkson? Did she eat all her backup singers?

A&F: "Salon in 2006 saying he doesn’t want “fat” or “not so cool” kids wearing his company’s clothes."

"Dear Obese PhD students. If you don't have the willpower to stop eating carbs, then you won't have the willpower to do a dissertation." Geoffrey Miller

I could go on and on but you get my drift. Fat shaming is around us. And as a mother of a 6 year old girl I can't help but hear all the little comments. Especially when she starts to repeat the things she hears. One of Cali's friends told her mommy she was happy her mom packs her healthy food so she can be skinny. She is 6! Cali informs me of food that is healthy and food that is bad for her. She is 6! I bought Cali a "curvy barbie" for Christmas hoping this would help her see a more realistic body figure to play with, instead she doesn't want to play with her because none of her regular barbie clothes fit her. When she watches kids movies her favorite characters are the "pretty ones." Not the smart ones or the nice ones, the pretty ones. She is 6!

If I seem upset, I am! I need my daughter to grow up in a society that loves her for her, not her size. I don't feel like I grew up in a society like this. I've been overweight my entire life and I have struggled with yo yo dieting, comparing myself to others, desperate to get the attention of a boy. I'm still working through these feelings today and I'm trying with all my might not to let this rub off on my daughter. I want her to know she is worthy of love despite her size. God has given me the most wonder gift of all. A man who loves me for ME. A man that tells me I'm sexy as a curvy woman. A man who tells me i'm beautiful with out being prompted. This has helped me so much but until I can believe what he says I won't be cured of fat shaming myself.

This is my plea to all of you. Please stop describing people by their size. Examples: The chunky one, The heavy one, Thick, Fat. Please stop judging celebrities out loud in front of children. Please stop obsessing over the food you eat out loud in front of my child. Please stop obsessing over what I eat. Please stop obsessing over your weight. You're beautiful! Be healthy, happy and worthy! Your size has little to do with who you are. Let's change the tone in society and help all children boys and girls know they are beautiful and handsome regardless of their size. Let's allow them to be children as long as possible. Let them eat cupcakes at birthday parties, have candy at Halloween, eat pizza because it's delicious and help them stay active because physical activity is so important, not for their size but for their minds.

Be a positive example to your child, grandchild, niece, nephew and everyone in between.

I hate waiting...but if it's waiting for you, I'll wait.

I feel like I've spent the last three years waiting. Waiting for the pain to stop. Waiting for life to feel normal again. Waiting to become pregnant again. Waiting to find the right job. I've done a lot of waiting. And the ultimate goal of waiting is to no longer have to wait. That what ever you're waiting for will eventually be obtainable.

Well since the day Camden died we have been waiting for our family to grow again. It has been the most painful wait of my life. Painful mostly because I had it, then I lost it. I had the ability to have children naturally and I did. But that quickly changed and I've had this bizarre experience of going from fertile to infertile. You go through the whole "you don't know what you have until it's gone." Of course we had no way to know what was going to happen and that we would even be trying for more but life happened and now we wait. And we're still waiting. Although we have given up our dreams of having a biological child, we are now waiting for our adoptive child. Which is a very different kind of wait, completely out of our control.

I've never been a big fan of over used religious cliches, such as:
It's all in God's timing.
Just have faith in God's plan.
When one door closes God will open another.
If it's meant to be it will happen.

It's not that I don't believe these to be true, it's that no one is acknowledging how hard it is to wait. That somehow if you say one of those cliches it will make the process easier. This isn't like we're waiting for our Amazon Prime box to arrive on our door step... this is waiting for a CHILD. While everyone around you is getting pregnant, giving birth and having their 2nd, 3rd & 4th child, you're wondering when is it my turn?

The one piece of advice I received from a very wise friend was, even in the waiting, don't forget about being in the now. Don't forget about the beautiful child you do have and don't miss out on her life waiting for another.

This was important for me to hear. Sometimes I get so obsessed with what I want, I loose track of other important things in my life. Like Cali, my marriage and my friendships. Life doesn't have to stop in the waiting. I've notice when it does, that is when waiting it the worst. So painstakingly slow, unbearable and right in front of you all the time.

All I know is, I hate waiting. I'm impatient, controlling and doubtful. But I also know, Chad and I feel strongly God called us to adoption for a reason. We feel this is where he wants us. And I do believe a child is in our future, I just don't know when.

To our future child: I hate waiting...but if it's waiting for you. I'll wait.

This is what democracy looks like

Dear Cali,
I'm writing this to you today while it's still fresh in my mind, but something tells me I will never forget what happened to me today. One day I hope to read this letter to you when you can fully understand.

Today, on January 21st, 2017 I participated in a Woman's March. I never did anything like this before but I felt it was something I needed to do, not only for myself, but for you my beautiful baby girl. My hope through marching in Washington D.C. was to one day tell you I marched for you, for your rights as a woman in America, for your friends and for your children some day. I marched because I believe we have come a long way with woman's rights but we can do SO much better. Starting with how we speak about woman and how we treat woman.

Let me start from the very beginning on how I got there. A few weeks prior to the march a friend of mine posted a link for the Woman's Movement. I was immediately intrigued because I had been looking for ways to peacefully protest regarding social justices and woman's rights. I responded to my friends invitation to participate and I said I wanted to join. But secretly inside I wondered if this was one of those empty accepted invitations where I wouldn't follow through. But my friend eventually bought me a bus ticket so I was officially going. Last week I received an e-mail from the Woman's March group giving us some tips about what to do if violence or rioting would take place. We were advised to bring scarves and hats to protect our eyes from tear gas. We were advised to write our ICE name and number on our arms in the event of an injury or arrest. I started to get very scared. I was told this was going to be a peaceful protest. I started to let my fears get the best of me. I was ready to back out. But luckily my pushy friends said I couldn't :) And I am SO glad I listened to them.

Today I encountered a LARGE group (3 million world wide to be exact) of woman and men who felt the same way I did. They too wanted to march for our future generations. Thousands and thousands of people gathered regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or age, to say I'm not OK with the direction this country is going for woman and the under privileged. I stood shoulder to shoulder with complete strangers but I never felt so at home. There were children, college students, parents, professionals, hippies, young and old all marching hand in hand to let their voices be heard. I'm happy to report to you that this was in fact a VERY peaceful protest. There was not one person arrested in the whole group of people.

We took notice many people were there for different reasons. But we were all in support of each other's presence. I was there, as my sign read, because "i'm completely Pro-life." I could take the time to explain this in my own words but I found someone who articulated it very well.

"I am pro life.

That means that I'm also pro social justice.

That means that I am not only for the dignity of the human being from the moment of conception, but also for the dignity of the human being until the natural end of life. For life does not end with birth. A person who is truly pro life is pro all life, pro every stage of life, pro every stage of life for every person. For all life is sacred, because all life is created by God.

That means that I support anything that helps a person live a full, healthy and satisfying life, in every part of the world. So I am for care for the poor, for a living wage, for affordable health care, for adequate housing, for a humane work environment, for equal pay for women, for generous child care, for the support of the aged and the infirm.

That means I support caring for the marginalized among us: the refugee, the migrant, the displaced person, the homeless, the unemployed, the person with disabilities, the single mother, women who are abused, minorities of every kind who are persecuted, and all those who feel left out, mocked, lonely, ignored or frightened.

That means that I am against torture, because it is an affront to human dignity. I am against the death penalty, the most serious affront to an adult life. I am against abuse and mistreatment in prisons. I am against war as a way to solve problems.

That means I respect the lives of all creatures, and am therefore for the care of the world in which we live, for the environment in the broadest sense.

That means I am pro peace, pro justice and pro reconciliation." Fr. James Martin

So that is why I marched. My life, as a upper middle class white woman, might not significantly change dependent upon who the president is but I have bothers and sisters who lives may be be forever changed by who sits in that oval office. I wanted to make sure our government heard our cries. Something tells me they did. Even if nothing changes because of this movement it certainly brought many strangers together for a common cause. Ecclesiastes 4:12 reads "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." I'm glad these people stood in solidarity with me. I felt stronger than ever.

I could go on and on about this march and how it changed my life but it could take hours. So here are some highlights from my trip. The most beautiful part of my day was experiencing a sisterhood of woman coming from almost every state in the country. A sisterhood I hope can continue into your generation. I met some of the greatest woman in the few short hours I spent there. I sat on the bus with a lovely lady Nancy who was 63 years old. Nancy was a seasoned pro at this whole marching thing. She actually participated in the march against the Vietnam war in 1969. She shared with me, she drove in the back of a UHAUL truck from Michigan to Washington D.C. with 20 other people. Now that's dedication. I feel bad about complaining about the porta potty situation now :) I also met Sylvia. Sylvia and I talked about a lot of things but we connected on our adoption stories. She has an adopted daughter who is now 18 and she shared her adoption journey with me. While walking to and from the buses we met crowds of woman who laughed, sang and chanted together. The energy was contagious.

We all wore pink "pussy" hats in solidarity (i'll explain when your older). It was a sea of pink everywhere. I think there may be a shortage of pink yarn for years! I think one of the highlights of my day was the constant support and love I received from people back home. When I would turn on my phone I would have several messages from good friends asking me if I was safe and telling me they were praying for me. Some of them didn't agree with the movement but they loved me anyways. At the end of the day on the way home, I was excited to call Grandan and Mammaw to share my amazing stories with them. At the end of the conversation Mammaw said "I'm proud of you." It was then I knew God blessed me with the coolest most supportive parents.

And in a round about way I write this to you today to let you know I love so much! Cali you are a beautiful girl who will one day grow into a beautiful woman. I pray you feel you have the freedom to express yourself in any way you feel lead to with out push back and hate. Stay strong. There will always be haters and negative people in the world. But you need to stand up for what you believe in. I want you to know I will love and accept you no matter what you chose to believe. If you're wondering what democracy looks like....THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE.

Love always,
Mommy