Sharing is Daring

I've found myself explaining the adoption process to many people lately. One thing I've come to realize is the lack of knowledge when it comes to Adoption and foster care. I don't blame you. I didn't know much about it until I was thrown into the trenches. I can remember picking my neighbors brain with oodles of questions about adoption before we started this journey. I probably ask some pretty stupid questions, perhaps even insulting ones. So to give you a little picture into our world right now, I thought I would explain the process to you a bit. After completing our three mandatory educational classes, formal application and home study with Bethany Christian Services we were officially approved. That whole process took about 8 months. During this time we began fundraising, which is essential since the total bill of a domestic (USA) infant adoption costs in between $30,000-$40,000. January 31st of 2017 we were place on the adoption waiting list. This list in complie...

This morning was one of those mornings where I walked by our empty nursery and I stopped. Most mornings I walk by the open door and I don't even notice it but today I stopped, walked in and sat in the rocking chair and stared for longer than I would like to admit. I looked at all the baby gear I've accumulated over the past year since we decided to peruse adoption. The crib, car seat, stroller, changing table, baby toys and boxes of diapers gifted to us at our baby shower in March. Yup we had a baby shower for the baby we were supposed to bring home in the spring. It was just as you would imagine. A buffet of baby themed food, Diapers and wipes galore and adorable baby boy clothes. After the shower we brought everything home and in true Julie fashion I immediately organized everything. I remember sitting in the nursery that very same day staring. Staring at the crib, car sear, stroller, changing table, baby toys and diapers just like today but instead feeling a sense of relief....

Yesterday after seeing a dear friend of mine update her family and friends on their adoption journey, I got inspired to do the same. In May of 2016 we started our adoption journey. A few months later we started the home study process, fundraising and getting approved for adoption. We were officially approved January 31st, 2017 and have been on the family waiting list since then. As many of you know, birth mom situations were coming in at a rapid rate during those first few months and we were chosen for a situation in Ohio. Things moved quickly and we traveled to Columbus to complete our family. But our trip was cut short after 3 days with the baby, when birth mom decided she would parent. Feeling defeated we traveled home in silence wondering if we could go through this again. How could we trust another birth mom after going through this? How could we travel out of state with no guarantee we would come home with a child? Who do we keep in the loop going forward? It didn't take ...

This blog is really just random thoughts I'm feeling today: August 22nd, 2017 would have been Camden's 4th birthday. It sounds so bizarre to say that. I remember him as an infant babbling and cooing but to picture him as a 4 year is nearly impossible for me. My heart is no longer stuck in the "what if" stage but rather in the "this is reality" stage. I once sat around wondering what life would be like if Camden were still here but now I've moved towards my reality. Reality is Camden hasn't been here for 3 and a half years. We have spend our lives predominantly a family of three and its hard to remember any different. Both stages are equally painful for me. Living in reality makes me feel heartless and almost like i've forgotten about Camden. Living 6 months with two children was wonderful but very short. I can't remember what it was like. I can't remember his personality or his schedule. I can't remember his movements or his smell. ...

As many of you may know, two weeks ago I turned 30. I feel like the big 3-0 gets a bad rap from most people but for me it felt like any other day. I didn't have a panic attack saying good bye to my 20's, in fact I feel like a new decade equals a fresh start. I look forward to what 30 may bring. But I have been struggling this summer because I just turned 30 but sometimes I feel much older than that. As Cali gets older it's a constant reminder of how different our little family is than most of our peers. Cali is getting more independent, going to over night camp, sleeping over at friends houses and naturally spending less time with Chad and I. While I'm happy we have an independent, strong child, it disheartens me to know our time with her is short and more precious than ever. When Cali is away, essentially we're empty nesters, at 30. I know some of you over whelmed parents are rolling your eyes at our freedom but it's not all it's cracked up to be. When yo...

I never thought I was particularly good at anything. This isn’t a pity party I’m just being honest. To society I’m a pretty normal person who hasn’t excelled at any kind of sport, musical instrument, school subject or job. I recon most of us would be in this boat. We can’t all be super stars right? But from little on up we’re told we’re special and we have unique qualities that make us who we are. Although we might not be recognized for those unique qualities because it’s not what our society deems as important, I do believe we have the right to celebrate ourselves and our loved ones for those “special” characteristics and talents we all have with in us. This has been on my mind a lot because Cali recently started participating in organized sports. And while I would like to think Cali is amazing at soccer and one day she may be a member of the Olympic Woman’s soccer team (which she may be, who knows) I have to remember that being an amazing athlete can only takes you so far in life....

I've heard a lot of controversy over the new Netflix original series 13 Reasons Why, based off the book written by Jay Asher. I was very curious so of course I binged watched all 13 episodes like any true millennial would. After completing the series I thought long and hard over what I had just watched. It was so heavy and thought provoking, I needed time to digest. The controversy of this book and now TV show is based around a girl who commits suicide and leaves behind 13 tapes giving the reasons why she did what she did. Some believe this is putting ideas into teenagers heads that shouldn't be there. That this show and book has glorified committing suicide. This situation has taken me back a few years to when MTV aired the first episode of Teen Mom. Everyone was freaking out, saying the show was encouraging girls to get pregnant at a young age and implying you could get on TV for being a Teen Mom. As I watched the show I remember thinking how important the show's messag...

Oh man, I'll start off by saying this blog is going to be hard for me to write. I'm finding it hard to articulate the thoughts in my head so this could be interesting! This blog, like many of my blogs, was a manifestation of reoccurring conversations I've been having with many different people. I've been involved in several conversations over the past month about church (I know, a very broad topic). More specifically the role church plays in different people's lives. The beauty of the diversity God put within each of us is we all have different ideas on how church should fit into our lives or better yet why church should fit into our lives. These questions are answered differently by each individual person. For myself, church has become a place where I have formed close friendships and I have discovered a community of people who I want to walk life with. If I wouldn't be involved in a church I would have never had this opportunity. I personally struggle with a...

My heart has been heavy for too long. It's almost like my heart hasn't had a break for years. I feel much older than my actual age with the journey I have walked. Through it all, I feel like I lost a part of me that I will never get back. The beautiful part of my journey is gaining new friends who have walked similar paths as I have. The truth is the only people who can comfort you in your sorrows are the ones who understand. When your in the grief process the only people you want to talk to are the ones going through pain themselves. There is a special bond that no one else can understand unless you walked the path of infertility or trying to grow a family unsuccessfully. I think of it as a sisterhood really. Along with the grief you share with your own story, you take on your friends stories as well. You become their cheerleader, defender, shoulder to cry on and everything else in between. When they call and tell you they're pregnant you rejoice with them. When they cal...

Feeling. Do you ever wish you could just stop feeling? Do you ever wish your mind could shut off? Do you ever wish you could be in the presence of others with out having to speak? This is me. This is where i'm at. I'm emotionally exhausted and I have no energy to invest in conversations, texts or phone calls. If you have reached out to Chad or I in the past week and have not received a response, I'm sorry. Mostly I don't know what to say back. I wonder, if I respond will more questions follow? If I respond will I be obligated to get together with that person? If I respond how do I not sound like a jerk? Any wise person will tell you, everyone grieves differently. For me I shut down, I push away and I need space. The first night we were home I couldn't even sleep in bed with Chad because I felt claustrophobic. I needed time to think, process and be with my thoughts. Chad understood. I hate crying in front of people. I hate making people around me feel uncomfortable...

I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was feeling inspired by a sense of hope. I was noticing how far I had come since Camden's death. But now working through another loss, my doubts are stronger than ever. I'm clinging to these words I wrote and trying not to let go of my faith. It's ok to doubt... It's a part of my journey. First let me start off with a disclaimer. I’m neither a scholar, nor a spiritual leader and I’m not even that bright but I have a lot of experience when it comes to doubt. As your typical PK (Pastor’s Kid) I started my religious journey in the womb. My father was a pastor, my grandfather was an evangelist and three of my uncles worked in the ministry as well. When I was born I was already on the path for greatness…so I thought. I spend most of my life at church functions, hanging out with church friends or serving in the community with my church. My faith was solid or at least my church attendance was. I had a happy childhood with a lot of fond mem...

So here we are again. Three years later and we're once again grieving the lost of a child. Nothing can possibly prepare you for times like these. No amount of faith or support can take away the pain. I know we only spent three days with him, but we held him, loved him and we were prepared to bring him into our family. I know there is another side to the story which we cannot understand but I'm still furious, angry, bitter and downright mad. If you haven't moved through the adoption process it's hard to explain all the ins and outs of the journey. One thing that is constantly drilled into your brain is to be mindful of the birth mom and her journey. Don't get me wrong, I understand how hard it is to let go of a child and continue doing life but I think there should be more talk about also being mindful of adoptive parents journeys. I can't speak for all adoptive parents but the ones I've encountered all had very long journey's full of heart ache and di...

Something bizarre and usual took place today. While riding home on the bus, Cali got teary and cried because she was missing Camden. Her dear friend who sits with on the bus was talking about her baby brother and I guess this sparked some unresolved emotions that were brought back to the surface for Cali. Through this entire journey Chad and I have walked, so has Cali. She walk alongside us as we grieved, started Camden's Run, went through IVF and now the adoption process. She has been amazingly strong through it all but as she has gotten older she has been able to articulate her feelings more to us. Sometimes it's her simple statements that make the biggest impact in our day. "Can we look through Camden's picture book?" "Remember when I used to help you give Camden's baths?" "I want Camden back." "I want a baby now." "When I grow up who will be my brother and sister?" "It's not fair." Really we do...

Life is but a dream Some days it feels like a bad dream, Other days it feels just as it seems, We keep doing what we know best, Keeping our head above water with only a life vest. Some days the tide is calm and still, relaxing, Other days the tide is rough and harsh, taxing. We fear the unknown which lurks below us, But we still jump in, curious of what waits for us. Some days the water is warm and inviting, summery, Other days the water is cold and displeasing, blustery. How can something so beautiful promise both pleasure and gloom? Why can’t the ocean be like the picture on the wall, the ocean we presume? We get so jealous of that ocean, the one on the wall, Because we know it’s but a dream to us all. Life isn’t full of just sunsets and ocean tunes, It ebbs and flows with the sun and the moon. It rises and it falls because the tide is never the same, But don’t let this diminish your fire and flame. It’s worth the risk to find out what lurks below, You never know...

fat sham·ing noun 1.the action or practice of humiliating someone judged to be fat or overweight by making mocking or critical comments about their size. It's come to my attention that our society has a SERIOUS problem with fat shaming (See definition above). It sounds like such a horrible word and it is! You would think in a country when there are more over weight adults than not, we would know how to look past someones size. Here are some fun statistics for you: More than two-thirds (68.8 percent) of adults are considered to be overweight or obese. More than one-third (35.7 percent) of adults are considered to be obese. More than 1 in 20 (6.3 percent) have extreme obesity. Almost 3 in 4 men (74 percent) are considered to be overweight or obese. (https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/health-statistics/Pages/overweight-obesity-statistics.aspx) Now, I'm not condoning living an unhealthy life style. Actually this has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do...

I feel like I've spent the last three years waiting. Waiting for the pain to stop. Waiting for life to feel normal again. Waiting to become pregnant again. Waiting to find the right job. I've done a lot of waiting. And the ultimate goal of waiting is to no longer have to wait. That what ever you're waiting for will eventually be obtainable. Well since the day Camden died we have been waiting for our family to grow again. It has been the most painful wait of my life. Painful mostly because I had it, then I lost it. I had the ability to have children naturally and I did. But that quickly changed and I've had this bizarre experience of going from fertile to infertile. You go through the whole "you don't know what you have until it's gone." Of course we had no way to know what was going to happen and that we would even be trying for more but life happened and now we wait. And we're still waiting. Although we have given up our dreams of having a biolo...

Dear Cali, I'm writing this to you today while it's still fresh in my mind, but something tells me I will never forget what happened to me today. One day I hope to read this letter to you when you can fully understand. Today, on January 21st, 2017 I participated in a Woman's March. I never did anything like this before but I felt it was something I needed to do, not only for myself, but for you my beautiful baby girl. My hope through marching in Washington D.C. was to one day tell you I marched for you, for your rights as a woman in America, for your friends and for your children some day. I marched because I believe we have come a long way with woman's rights but we can do SO much better. Starting with how we speak about woman and how we treat woman. Let me start from the very beginning on how I got there. A few weeks prior to the march a friend of mine posted a link for the Woman's Movement. I was immediately intrigued because I had been looking for ways to p...