I hate waiting...but if it's waiting for you, I'll wait.

I feel like I've spent the last three years waiting. Waiting for the pain to stop. Waiting for life to feel normal again. Waiting to become pregnant again. Waiting to find the right job. I've done a lot of waiting. And the ultimate goal of waiting is to no longer have to wait. That what ever you're waiting for will eventually be obtainable.

Well since the day Camden died we have been waiting for our family to grow again. It has been the most painful wait of my life. Painful mostly because I had it, then I lost it. I had the ability to have children naturally and I did. But that quickly changed and I've had this bizarre experience of going from fertile to infertile. You go through the whole "you don't know what you have until it's gone." Of course we had no way to know what was going to happen and that we would even be trying for more but life happened and now we wait. And we're still waiting. Although we have given up our dreams of having a biological child, we are now waiting for our adoptive child. Which is a very different kind of wait, completely out of our control.

I've never been a big fan of over used religious cliches, such as:
It's all in God's timing.
Just have faith in God's plan.
When one door closes God will open another.
If it's meant to be it will happen.

It's not that I don't believe these to be true, it's that no one is acknowledging how hard it is to wait. That somehow if you say one of those cliches it will make the process easier. This isn't like we're waiting for our Amazon Prime box to arrive on our door step... this is waiting for a CHILD. While everyone around you is getting pregnant, giving birth and having their 2nd, 3rd & 4th child, you're wondering when is it my turn?

The one piece of advice I received from a very wise friend was, even in the waiting, don't forget about being in the now. Don't forget about the beautiful child you do have and don't miss out on her life waiting for another.

This was important for me to hear. Sometimes I get so obsessed with what I want, I loose track of other important things in my life. Like Cali, my marriage and my friendships. Life doesn't have to stop in the waiting. I've notice when it does, that is when waiting it the worst. So painstakingly slow, unbearable and right in front of you all the time.

All I know is, I hate waiting. I'm impatient, controlling and doubtful. But I also know, Chad and I feel strongly God called us to adoption for a reason. We feel this is where he wants us. And I do believe a child is in our future, I just don't know when.

To our future child: I hate waiting...but if it's waiting for you. I'll wait.