I hate that I need it

Feeling. Do you ever wish you could just stop feeling? Do you ever wish your mind could shut off? Do you ever wish you could be in the presence of others with out having to speak? This is me. This is where i'm at. I'm emotionally exhausted and I have no energy to invest in conversations, texts or phone calls. If you have reached out to Chad or I in the past week and have not received a response, I'm sorry. Mostly I don't know what to say back. I wonder, if I respond will more questions follow? If I respond will I be obligated to get together with that person? If I respond how do I not sound like a jerk?

Any wise person will tell you, everyone grieves differently. For me I shut down, I push away and I need space. The first night we were home I couldn't even sleep in bed with Chad because I felt claustrophobic. I needed time to think, process and be with my thoughts. Chad understood. I hate crying in front of people. I hate making people around me feel uncomfortable. I hate when people say hurtful things to me, when they don't even know they did. I hate being a burden to my family and friends. I hate being taken care of all the time. I hate being pitied.

A person who feels this way is certainly humbled by experiences like those that Chad and I have been through. You learn very quickly you need a support system. You need people constantly checking in on you. You need meals, babysitting, coffee dates, forced outings and to talk about your feelings with people you trust. As hard as it may be, this is the only way to pull you out of your despair. You cannot do it on your own.

Shortly after Camden died Chad and I attended a support group for grieving parents. We only attended twice but in those two times we encountered people who had no support system and we saw first hand what that looked like. It was concerning to say the least. Many of the parents had been attending the monthly grief group for decades, sharing the same stories about there deceased children and desperate for someone to listen. Many of them never touched the rooms their children once slept in. Some shared their stories with so much anger you didn't know what they were capable of. We could see a stark difference in those who had a strong support system and those who did not.

I'm so grateful for all of you who reached out to me. Even if I didn't respond, please know I needed to hear from you. Your love was felt. For the past three years I wondered why I still participated in church when I doubted the way I did. God and I weren't on speaking terms so what would church do for me? And then in moments like these I know why I still go to church. I need the people, the community. I need the support.