When in doubt.

I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was feeling inspired by a sense of hope. I was noticing how far I had come since Camden's death. But now working through another loss, my doubts are stronger than ever. I'm clinging to these words I wrote and trying not to let go of my faith. It's ok to doubt... It's a part of my journey.

First let me start off with a disclaimer. I’m neither a scholar, nor a spiritual leader and I’m not even that bright but I have a lot of experience when it comes to doubt. As your typical PK (Pastor’s Kid) I started my religious journey in the womb. My father was a pastor, my grandfather was an evangelist and three of my uncles worked in the ministry as well. When I was born I was already on the path for greatness…so I thought. I spend most of my life at church functions, hanging out with church friends or serving in the community with my church. My faith was solid or at least my church attendance was. I had a happy childhood with a lot of fond memories.

If you’re about to click out of the browser in disgust, I get it. I thought my life was perfect too. I thought as long as I kept doing what I was doing I was unstoppable. Well little did I know in that book we sometimes read on Sunday mornings, it said we WILL experience difficulties (John 16:33), we WILL have trials (1 Peter 4:12) and we WILL suffer. No matter how short or how long your life is, you will experience pain, loss and grief. This is the unfortunate debt we pay for the sin in the world.

I never thought my debt would be so costly or painful. After getting married at 20, having my first child at 23 and my second at 26 I was rolling right along in life. But one day everything stopped. My faith was rocked to its core and I never saw God the same again. February 25th, 2014 my beautiful son Camden died in his sleep at six months old. He died from SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). It was then I realized how very shallow my faith in God was. At 26 years old I was picking out a baby coffin for my son, something so unnatural and I was told to trust God in his process…Yeah it was then when doubt reared its ugly head. After receiving cards and messages reading “Camden’s in a better place now,” I lost all faith in Christianity itself. This was the stuff we were buying into?

I would like to say, in my darkest hour I clung to God for wisdom and hope but the truth is, I did what I thought was best at the time, I shut God out. I didn’t try to repair things, I became very cynical and I doubted his very existence.

Eventually over time questions started creeping back into my mind. God questions. Questions probably only God could answer. I tried really hard to suppress them and shove them away but they lingered in my mind, when I was trying to sleep, during church services (Yes I still went to church), while I was driving, when it was quiet and when I was trying to work. It was at the forefront of my mind and I was done avoiding it. How can a woman who grew up to love Jesus just drop him like that?

Thus, where this blog came from. I decided a good way to start my journey back to faith was to present all my questions I had to God himself. I had SO many questions, questions you would never ask in church. Questions that would make you feel like a heathen. Questions that were sarcastic in tone but yet justifiable. I started journaling these questions. I carried a notepad in my purse and when a question would come to mind I would jot it down before I forgot. I did nothing with the questions at first except acknowledge them. Then I decided to start asking God the questions. I wasn’t praying (I wasn’t there yet) I was simply presenting my questions to God and hoping he would respond, perhaps by a mysterious letter in the mail, like in the book “The Shack.” But no letter came. Then I started mediating over my questions. I allowed quiet time for listening after I ask God my questions. I’ve been told my family has this nasty habit of asking questions but not listening to the answer. So I listened. Although I never heard God speak directly I do believe the Holy Spirit was working in me at the time. The Holy Spirit kept pushing me to dig deeper and to not give up on God.

I’m happy to say I haven’t given up on God just yet. I’m far from healed but I continue to work on it. I think there is a myth that still exists in churches today and that is; doubt is a sign of spiritual weakness. But I challenge you to consider it differently. Perhaps doubt is a sign of spiritual growth. Author Julia Baird puts it well when she said “Just as courage is persisting in the face of fear, so faith is persisting in the presence of doubt. Faith becomes then a commitment, a practice and a pact that is usually sustained by belief. But doubt is not just a roiling, or vulnerability; it can also be a strength. Doubt acknowledges our own limitations and confirms — or challenges — fundamental beliefs, and is not a detractor of belief but a crucial part of it.”

So if reading my blog today because your heart and mind are filled of doubt, don’t be discouraged. God can handle the questions and doubt. Bring it to the table and see where it leads you. I promise you, it won’t be a waste of your time.