As Cali gets older it's a constant reminder of how different our little family is than most of our peers. Cali is getting more independent, going to over night camp, sleeping over at friends houses and naturally spending less time with Chad and I. While I'm happy we have an independent, strong child, it disheartens me to know our time with her is short and more precious than ever. When Cali is away, essentially we're empty nesters, at 30. I know some of you over whelmed parents are rolling your eyes at our freedom but it's not all it's cracked up to be. When you've dreamed of having children, you picture what life will look like at different stages. Such as, when Cali went to Kindergarten I imagined having another child keeping me company while she was a school. When she went to over night camp, I imagined we would get some special one on one time with her sibling. When she goes into Middle school, she would have a family member trailing behind her in elementary school. But as of now, it's just her, and each stage feels like a huge loss.
Because we can never fully predict the future, I can't say for sure we will have more children. Obviously we're doing everything in our power to bring a child home but we can't know for sure. So while we eagerly wait, we have to hold on to these moments with Cali because they could be our last. It sounds so depressing and morbid but reality is we don't have three or four kids to enjoy each stage with...or not enjoy :p We have our one...and only.
So 30 for me feels a bit like 40. I'm having an incredible amount of parental freedom as Cali gets more independent. Most of my friends are tied down with baby schedules, nap times and strict bed times but we're moving away from that stage. It's odd because we're relating more to 40 year olds than 30 year olds.
My patience is growing thin as we wait to adopt. Getting so close and losing out on our first opportunity has been excruciating. Everyday I loose a little more hope and I don't know how to regain it.
I pray this new decade will bring contentment, hope and self-worth out side of being a mommy.
Thanks for being so vulnerable with your posts, Julie! I don't know anything about experiential parenting or what it's like to lose a child. One thing I do know is that we don't have any children. No need to get into the nitty gritty of why. But for the days you feel one isn't enough, know that one can be a gift and a privilege. Especially at 30!
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to my coffee! Thanks for extending the opportunity to give. Praying for your family as you navigate the adoption process again.