Empty

This morning was one of those mornings where I walked by our empty nursery and I stopped. Most mornings I walk by the open door and I don't even notice it but today I stopped, walked in and sat in the rocking chair and stared for longer than I would like to admit. I looked at all the baby gear I've accumulated over the past year since we decided to peruse adoption. The crib, car seat, stroller, changing table, baby toys and boxes of diapers gifted to us at our baby shower in March. Yup we had a baby shower for the baby we were supposed to bring home in the spring. It was just as you would imagine. A buffet of baby themed food, Diapers and wipes galore and adorable baby boy clothes. After the shower we brought everything home and in true Julie fashion I immediately organized everything. I remember sitting in the nursery that very same day staring. Staring at the crib, car sear, stroller, changing table, baby toys and diapers just like today but instead feeling a sense of relief. That day I felt like all our waiting was over. I would no longer hold jealously towards my friends who were pregnant and having babies. Our family would finally be complete and I wouldn't have to walk past an empty nursery everyday and think about Camden not being there.

But here we are six months later still walking past an empty nursery. Sitting there today, I didn't feel a sense of relief. I felt a sense of urgency and fear. I felt a lack of hope and faith. I kept counting the years Cali and our possible future baby would have in between each other. Cali would no longer be a sibling she would be a babysitter. I felt a feeling of doubt like this is never going to happen. Everyone around us sounds so confident this will happen. It's all in God's timing right? But when you're living it, it seems impossible.

Last week I counted the number of situations we were not picked for. 11 birth mothers looked through our profile book and decided for whatever reason we were not her child's adoptive parents. It's hard not to take it personally and wonder what is wrong with our family or how we present our selves. We were warned when we started this process that we could wait longer than other families because we already have a child. Many birth moms prefer families without children. But I thought how could they not like us? Look how cute Cali is and don't they know how fun and awesome we are? But all they have is a 20 page book to base their decision off of. They don't get to see our personality. They don't get to meet Cali or talk with us. They look a pictures and maybe read a paragraph about us bragging about ourselves. In every job I've applied too, I almost always got the job if I had the interview. I wish we could get an interview with a birth mom! I know they would love us. The one we did have, she picked us!

The unfortunate part is there are 21 other awesome families waiting along side us. And while I want nothing more than to be picked and move on from this, I need to wait with patience and grace, no matter how hard it is. The only way to make it through this is annoying but true..."It's all in God's timing."