Sharing is Daring

"Soulmate" is a term used over and over again in romantic comidies to describe two people who are madly in love with one another. My idea of soulmates has been based off of Nicholas Spark's love novels such as " A walk to remember" and "The Notebook." After thinking long and hard I couldn't really give you a good defination for soulmates, so I did what any twenty-seven year old blogger would do....googled it. Here is a what I found. The Urban Dictionary defines soulmate as "A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are ar...

I just finished watching "Fault in our Stars", which is a movie about two sick teenagers who fall in love at the most inopportune time. Both were nearing the end of their fight against cancer. Where as some people may have watched this movie and thought it ended so sadly, I would have said it ended beautifully. Now I would hate to ruin this movie for those of you who have not seen it so if you plan to see it anytime soon please stop reading this blog now. You can only imagine where a love story about two sick cancer patients will go so I hope it won't be too much of a surprise when I say..someone dies. Yes death is sad and unbearable at times but the reason I found this movie to be so fascinating was over the simple fact that they both talked about death so freely. They understood their outcomes and although it looked bleek, they were able to find love in the mist of all the heartache. They laughed, they cried, they showed affection towards one another, they lived life. W...

So I will be upfront before you read through this whole blog. This blog has nothing to do with my grieving process or my future. This blog is an account over the past year of Chad and myself venturing onto the organic band wagon. This week marks one year since Chad and I decided to eat as locally, organically and naturally as possible. We also vowed to shop and eat only at local businesses as much as we could for exactly one year. I thought it would be interesting to write out my thoughts about what I discovered over the past year from changing our eating and shopping habits. This whole journey started after I had a random allergic reaction all over my face and neck. After going to the doctor and using some steroids the reaction subsided and my face was back to normal. Although we never figured out where the allergic reaction stemmed from my doctor advised me to start using hypo allergenic face products. I found this a perfect opportunity to start using some more natural products wit...

Well, today I concluded my time at Speedwell Heights Brethren in Christ Church as their youth director. It truly was a bittersweet occasion. Although I felt a sense of relief knowing I will take some time off to focus on our family and spend time healing together, I really felt like I was leaving a part of me behind. I started working at Speedwell when I was 23 years old and now I'm 27. I've grown up in so many ways while working there and I believe a part of me will always remember my time at Speedwell as a significant part of my life. While working for the church Chad and I moved to a new home, got pregnant with Camden, had Camden and lost Camden. Like I said this morning to the congregation, I have been amazed at the love and support we received during the past few years. I have felt incredibly blessed to work for a place that grieved alongside with us and put no pressure on us to move on or get back to work by a certain time. I know many employers wouldn't show this kin...

It's been awhile since I've blogged so tonight I thought I would give a quick update on Chad, myself and Cali. As we're gearing up for the Holiday season, we as a family are preparing ourselves for what might be an emotional few months. We have been warned by other bereaving parents that the first Christmas after losing a child can be an emotional roller coaster all over again. I guess the nice part is, Chad and I are aware and ready to face the next two months. The autumn months have been a time of frustration for our family. A constant looming rain cloud seemed to follow me everywhere I go. I continue to look for part time employment in anticipation of stepping down from my youth ministry position in the next week. Chad and I hope to expand our family and we're dealing with all the pain and anxiousness that goes along with that. Cali has mastered how to make Mommy constantly worried about her and her health all the time. My immediate family continues to support my p...

So I felt the need to share about something that has changed my life. For starters I thought I should mention "athletic" was never a word to describe me. If you ask people who know what I'm like, I'm sure they would say things like she is funny, or a people-person but definitely not athletic. As someone who has struggled with weight the majority of her life, deciding at the beginning of the new year to go on diet was nothing new. In January of 2014 I decided to start running. I know...insane right? It seemed like every person's new goal was to run a 5 k or do some spartan race. So I wanted to see what all the hype was about. So I e-mailed a friend of mine who was a runner to ask her a few basic questions, like... Is it safe for me to running at my weight? Or What kind of shoes should I wear? She was so kind enough to answer all my questions. But she also told me about a running group she was a part of on Facebook. She said it was a group of Mom's who were al...

Well tomorrow would have been our son Camden's 1st birthday. Since he isn't here to celebrate with us, the only thing left to do is imagine what tomorrow would have been like if he were still here. Well if he was anything like his sister he would have been walking for a month now. He would be grazing on all different kinds of food and preparing to save us a whole lot of money weaning off of formula. He would be exploring all the nooks and crannies of our house and getting into things he's not supposed to. He would be attempting to break out of his crib and make a run for it. He probably would have been babbling for mamma and dadda and reaching for us to hold him. I would probably have sent out adorable John Deere 1st birthday invitations to all his grandparents, aunts & uncles and little kid friends and their parents. I would be setting up a ridiculously huge party for a 1 year old who would never remember it. I imagine a pool party at Uncle Josh's and Aunt Laure...

Over the past two months I have been struggling with finding true happiness. I mean I can go out and buy new clothes and that could make me happy or I can go on vacation for a few days and find joy BUT when it comes down to it, is that real happiness? Sometimes I wonder if we as human beings are capable of seeing that fine life between something that makes us happy and just simply being a happy person. See, I think we as a society have made buying things and having things a form of happiness but I can tell you from experience it really does not. In the past three months I have tried to buy my happiness back or fill the void in my life (Camden) by putting something in his place. But as you can imagine nothing has taken Camden's place. Nothing has even come close and nothing will. I can certainly find temporary happiness through money and wealth but it won't last. So what will it take for me to be truly happy? 1)I would imagine contentment would be a great start. And I do...

Sometimes I fear to share my thoughts and feelings on this blog because I know I think differently then many of my friends. But I've had a reoccurring theme in my life in the past few months and that is "be who you are." Who am I? I am someone who has felt called to live a life different then many. I am a person who feels that building true and lasting relationships with others, with Jesus at the core, is the utmost important part of her life. I am a Christ follower that see's needs and wants to fulfill them. I am a woman who needs a community of people to walk life with her, not just drop in once in a while. I am somebody that wants to give her heart and soul to what she believes in and never look back. Unfortunately this person is still quietly sitting in the corner...why? Because she is comfortable and she has fears of what life would look like with out everything she is told she needs to have. Obviously since Camden passed I have felt a burning hole in my ...

Oh man, life has been an emotional roller coaster over the past few months. So many feelings, so many thoughts. Some of the feelings I have toyed with just in the past two weeks would be...confusion, happiness, gratefulness, anger, jealously, unrest, fear, worry, doubt and excitement. Truthfully I can't fully describe how I feel, well, because I don't know how I feel. On Thursday I received a tubal ligation surgery which will allow Chad and I to have children again (if it works). People have been curious and wondering how excited I was to get it done. They have wondered how I feel about having the chance to have more children. All I can muster out as far as an answer is, yes i'm grateful to have the chance but honestly it's a bitter sweet occasion. Almost a year ago Chad and I made the decision to have no more children after Camden because we knew Cali and Camden were all we wanted. We felt certain that our family was complete. One thing I now know is nothing is certa...

Contrary to what you may believe the most difficult part of grief for myself has only begun. My heart it heavier now then it was two months ago. I feel weaker today then I did the moment I heard that Camden had died. Now that life has continued without Camden, I'm constantly reminded of him in my everyday activities. I see babies toddling around and I can't help but think about how he would have been at that age now. Or I see the "iconic" Carter's clothing and I'm reminded of his many cute outfits he used to wear. When I'm at church walking past the nursery it reminds me of the first few months of going back to work and trying to work in the nursery with him. I never got much done... When I see Cali playing alone I'm reminded that Camden is not there to play with her. It's impossible to go minutes without remembering what Chad and I have lost. The reminders are hard but I also struggle with the selfishness that I feel right now. I have always bee...

Anyone who has known me for longer then 5 minutes knows that I have some irrational fears of death. For instance, I have never like thunder storms, more specifically tornado's. The minute we have a tornado warning I scramble my belongings together and head for the basement. I've always had a fear of dying in a Tornado. I've also had a fear of getting cancer. Whenever I found a weird bump on my body or randomly got sick, I was convinced it was cancer. I know, it sounds a little crazy, and I still can't believe I'm sharing this with the whole world. But I want you to know at one point in my life I spent more time fearing death then actually living my life. You would think after experiencing such an incredible loss in my life I would fear death ever more but the exact opposite has happened to me. Shortly after Camden's passing my family and I took a spontaneous trip to Florida. Prior to Camden dying I would have been a nervous wreck knowing I had to fly on a plan...

Many of my friends have been wondering how Chad and I are handling being around other babies since Camden's passing. Well, as you can imagine, Chad and I are very different. Right now Chad loves to hold other children but me on the other hand, I struggle with it. I continue to be surrounded by other babies and pregnant woman. This is something that I have had to work through and I continue to work through. It's not that I'm not happy for those around me with babies or those who are expecting but it's more about the reminder that I may never have more children. And I'm going to continue to watch all my friends have more and more children as Chad and I wait and wonder. I know I have a handful of friends who probably feel very similar to me when it comes to feeling left out. There are many woman out there who can't have children for lots of different reasons. And I know how lucky I am to even have one and I don't take that lightly. I'm teaching myself h...

So while driving to West Virginia last weekend I heard a song by Hillsong United called "Love is War." The title of the song sounded awfully contradictory to me. After reading through the lyrics I had a better understanding of the statement "Love is War." And I would totally agree. Sometimes loving can be a war. Sometimes it takes everything in me to love someone who had done me wrong. Sometimes I find it hard to love God and to love others in this broken world. Loving is a constant battle as a Christ follower of Jesus, but we're called to love, in fact we're told loving is THE most important part of our life. Love can look differently to many of us. For myself, I show love by spending time with people or helping them with things they cannot do alone. I like to give gifts and I like to make people laugh. I feel these are practical ways I can spread God's love through the world. But what happens when you're called to love someone who makes you mad? ...

Don't let the title fool you. Chad and I are definitely having our rough patches since Camden passed but we're still in this together. Camden was our little man and he will always be our little man. My love for Chad has not diminished since all of this happened. In fact I would say it has made it stronger. We look at life a whole lot differently. Things have slowed down considerably and we contend on keeping it that way. So if my love for Chad has not changed, then whom would I be talking about? Well some of you may be surprised but I realized recently I need to fall in love with God all over again. He broke my heart. I mean this wasn't your typical 7th grade heartbreak. This was an earth shattering, life changing, faith-challenging event in my life that took my heart and broke it into many pieces. And all I could think about is why did God allow this to happen. He may not have had caused this to happen, but he allowed Camden to die. That has been a hard pill to swallow....

A good way to start out my first blog post would be to give you some background information. My name is Julie and I'm a 26 year old wife, mother, youth pastor & student. I was married at 20 to my husband, Chad. We became pregnant two years after our wedding and gave birth to our daughter, Cali, on Valentine's Day 2011. She was a wonderful baby. She was perfect. Just about two years later we found out we were pregnant AGAIN but this was a surprise. That August we gave birth to our son Camden. Like many family we were so excited: we had our girl and our boy. "The million dollar family" some would say. We took a sigh of relief after his birth because we knew this was our family. It was complete. Two kids were all we planned for and all we really wanted. We had made it official by getting my tubes tied during my c-section. Little did I know, I would want more children in the future...but not for the reasons you think. The first few months of having two kids wer...