Soulmates

"Soulmate" is a term used over and over again in romantic comidies to describe two people who are madly in love with one another. My idea of soulmates has been based off of Nicholas Spark's love novels such as " A walk to remember" and "The Notebook." After thinking long and hard I couldn't really give you a good defination for soulmates, so I did what any twenty-seven year old blogger would do....googled it. Here is a what I found. The Urban Dictionary defines soulmate as "A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much more aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful."

Phew! That was long. So I've always assumed the label soulmate was only meant in terms of a romantic love. Yes, I know chad is my soulmate for so many reasons but the more I read into it I believe we can find your soulmate through friendship and even parenting. The love you experience as a parent and the connection you feel with your children is undeniable and at times overwhelming. The connection you share with your child starts from the moment you hear their heart beat till...well eternity. It will never end.

Both of my children are my soulmates but for the past few weeks I've marveled at the connection I share with Cali. Not only is she my child, but I sincerely believe she is my soulmate. And Chad's too. We could have never guessed how special Cali would have been to us the day we found out she was in my belly. I know all children are special to their parents but Cali share's an experience with Chad and I that no one else has. She is the only other person who loved Camden as much as we did and misses him as much as we do. Even though she is young in age, that doesn't mean I believe she feels less or she didn't love Camden as much as we did. It just looks different. At night we lay together and say our prayers. We hold hands and we all take turns talking to Camden. She likes to talk to him. She likes to sing to him. Sometimes I cry, no many times I cry and she comforts me saying "Mommy it's ok, don't cry. I miss Camden too." She amazes me with this wisdom and kind spirit. I know she is only 3 but She, Chad and I share love for one another that I couldn't find anywhere else.

It's hard for me to be away from her because I fear she will be taken away from me too. I don't think my heart could handle losing her. I kiss her every chance I get and I tell her I love her ALL the time. First thing in the morning I hold her in my arms until I ABSOLUTELY need to get up. I thank God that she woke up and remember what a blessing that is.

My bond with my Cali Love is simply indescribable. It can only be felt. I thank God everyday for her.

Challenge accepted

I just finished watching "Fault in our Stars", which is a movie about two sick teenagers who fall in love at the most inopportune time. Both were nearing the end of their fight against cancer. Where as some people may have watched this movie and thought it ended so sadly, I would have said it ended beautifully. Now I would hate to ruin this movie for those of you who have not seen it so if you plan to see it anytime soon please stop reading this blog now. You can only imagine where a love story about two sick cancer patients will go so I hope it won't be too much of a surprise when I say..someone dies. Yes death is sad and unbearable at times but the reason I found this movie to be so fascinating was over the simple fact that they both talked about death so freely. They understood their outcomes and although it looked bleek, they were able to find love in the mist of all the heartache. They laughed, they cried, they showed affection towards one another, they lived life. Why? Not because they were dying but because they were living. Everyday they woke up, they breathed another breath and lived life together because they could. Because their bodies functioned one more day. As I watched this movie I had some bizarre emotions. I felt...envy and jealously.

Let me explain. One evening on a cold February night Chad found our son, who we thought to be a healthy thriving infant, lifeless in his crib. There was nothing leading up to his unexpected death. We had no warnings, or signs pointing us in this direction. This is where the envy kicks in. Looking back over those few short months he was actually with us, I wish I had a timeline. I would have done things so differently. I would have soaked up every last minute I had with him, not because I knew he was going to die but because he was living one more day with me. I wish I understood the power of one more day when he was here. I got to spend 188 days with Camden and what an incredible gift that was but I can't help but think about what I could have done differently. How I could have been a better mom. How I could have held him more.

But we all know life doesn't grant us the luxury of our death dates. It's our responsibility to live the one life we've been handed. To wake up each day and to be reminded of the simple gift of taking another breath, living another day. Why does it take losing a loved one for us to understand how precious life really is? Don't wait till someone dear to you dies to say you're going to live each day like there was no tomorrow. Start today. Don't do it because you're dying, do it because you have the chance to live, now.

Watching the couple in the movie inspired me to talk about death more freely. To not be scared of dying but to be excited to live. To tell those closes to me what I would say at their eulogy... while their still alive.

I don't want this blog to fool you. Losing someone close to you hurts. It sucks. Frankly, it's the worse pain you will ever feel, regardless of preparation or not. Loss is loss. I've over heard people referring to losing a child as the "ultimate" loss. I would have to disagree. Every loss hurts whether is a child, sibling, parent or friend. But think about how different you would feel after losing a loved one if you knew you spent each day with them like it was their last. You told them you loved them more then you would like to admit. You hugged them every chance you got. You laughed together, you cried together...you lived together because that is what life is all about. Being together. Caring for one another.The next time you turn down spending time with someone you love because you have more work to finish or the wash needs done or it's simply too much work to put on real clothes and go somewhere...I challenge you to reconsider. You got to live one more day...how are you going to spend it?

I'll leave you with this. My dad who has been a pastor for many years and who has held hands with someone taking their last breath always said he never met a person dying wishing they had spent more time working or more time cleaning their house. They always said they wished the would have spent more time with the the ones they loved.

This particular picture was taken one day while I was trying to work from home but Camden wanted to be held ALLLL day. Not a lot of work got done that day...but boy am I so glad I decided to hold him.

Organic vs. Non-organic

So I will be upfront before you read through this whole blog. This blog has nothing to do with my grieving process or my future. This blog is an account over the past year of Chad and myself venturing onto the organic band wagon. This week marks one year since Chad and I decided to eat as locally, organically and naturally as possible. We also vowed to shop and eat only at local businesses as much as we could for exactly one year. I thought it would be interesting to write out my thoughts about what I discovered over the past year from changing our eating and shopping habits.

This whole journey started after I had a random allergic reaction all over my face and neck. After going to the doctor and using some steroids the reaction subsided and my face was back to normal. Although we never figured out where the allergic reaction stemmed from my doctor advised me to start using hypo allergenic face products. I found this a perfect opportunity to start using some more natural products with minimal chemicals. I thought if I was going to try that, I might as well go all the way so Chad and I decided for one year we would try to live as "chemical free" as we possibly could. Obviously we were not able to be 100% sucsessful over the past year. I did a ton of research online and talk to family and friends about their experiences living off the land and only eating organically and I realized it would be nearly impossible to avoid all processed foods or using products with chemicals in it. But we tried our best. And here is what we discovered.

First I will share with you some tips that I found helpful when starting to shop locally and organically.

1) Shop seasonally- I know this sounds obvious but this is key when trying to eat only local fresh veggies and fruits. Our main stream grocery stores make almost all fruits and veggies available to us all year around. Although you can find organic fresh strawberries in the grocery store in December, those strawberries still had to travel across the United States to get into your fridge. My advice, learn to can and freeze you favorite seasonal produce so you can enjoy it during the winter months. Sweet corn and Strawberries are a must in our household. Here is a cookbook I found that does a great job at helping me cook seasonally.http://www.thriftbooks.com/w/simply-in-season-world-community-cookbook_mary-beth-lind_cathleen-hockman-wert/330489/?isbn=0836192966&mkwid=rpKASDk2|dc&pcrid=56924489232&gclid=CjwKEAiAqMajBRCdjejki6yjuDwSJACQeVukt2f_iNMIro7H44hu5z_WeCSyncqK2GhROmwn68ge0xoCycnw_wcB

2) Learn about the dirty dozen- Chad was skeptical about the idea of eating organically, as are many people. He wondered if it was really worth the cost. After learning about the dirty dozen, a list of fruits and vegetables that you should ALWAYS buy organic, it helped him see that you don't have to buy everything organic. Here is the list of the dirty dozen and a list of produce you don't need to buy organically because the part of the fruit and veggies you would eat is covered by a peel or skin. http://www.organic.org/articles/showarticle/article-214

3) Don't be fooled by Central Market (for my Lancaster County People)- I shop at Central Market every Friday morning to get some fresh produce and meat. There are some great local options at Central Market for shopping organically but they're are also some produce stands that sell the very same fruit and veggies you would get at the grocery store. They just lay it out in such a way to make it look like it's right off the farm. FYI- Oranges, Pineapples and avocados are not native to Lancaster County, whether they come from Central Market or not.

4) Processed food will always be processed food- This was something I had to learn. I thought if I bought the box of certified organic Mac and Cheese it was somehow better for me then boxed Kraft Mac and Cheese. But reality is, both are highly processed and not as good for you as making your own. I found out making home made stove top mac and cheese is quite simple and delicious!

5) Make a menu- Every two weeks I create a menu so I know what I will be making on what days. By doing this I can shop according to what I'm making that week. Because organic food is not sprayed with chemicals to keep them fresh longer, organic food goes bad quickly. Meaning when you purchase organic food you need to be prepared to use it soon after you bring it home. Creating a menu can help you be less wasteful.

Now that I have shared with you some simple tips on how to start shopping locally and organically I thought I would share with you some of my favorite and NOT so favorite products and places to go.

Hair and Beauty Products:

Since this is the culprit of why I started this journey, I found it very important to find quality skin care items to use not only on myself but my children. I'm not going to lie, I never found an all natural shampoo or conditioner that worked well on my hair. I tried some shampoo bars, JASON products, Burts Bee's and I every tried making my own. Unforunatly they made my hair knotty and unmanagable. So a year later I continue to use regular drug store shampoo and conditioner.

BUT I did have some sucsess in other departments. I found a fantastic organic body butter that does an amazing job at keeping me moisturized, even during the winter months. This website has a great selections of organic products that smell great and actually work! http://www.chagrinvalleysoapandsalve.com/

I also fell in love with coconut oil. You can use that stuff for almost anything! Face moisturizer, make-up remover, cooking and a hair mask. It's an absolute must in our household. Coconut oil is becoming very mainstream and you can find it at all local grocery stores.

Cleaning and household products:

Two things I've discovered that I loved were vinegar and ECO nuts. If you didn't know, Vinegar can clean almost anything. Although your house smells like salt and vinegar french fries for a few hours it's a great option for a safe and all natural cleaning solution. Eco nuts are also a fantastic alternative for doing your wash, rather then using laundry detergent. I've never got into making my own so I really appreciate ECO nuts. Check them out! http://econutssoap.com/

Organic and local produce and meat:

I must say, we're very LUCKY to live in such a place as Lancaster. The majority of the year we are provided with fresh, organic produce on almost every street corner. We have farmers markets going on all year in every corner of Lancaster County that sells all kinds of hand made foods. I found it very easy to find locally and organically grown meat, fruits and vegetables. Some of my favorite places to go were Oasis of Bird-in-hand, Kauffman's Fruit Farm, Central Market and Harvest Lane Farmer's Market in Litiz. I tried to do 75% of my grocery shopping there and then finish up at Giant Grocery Store.

Resturants and Local Stores:

Along with changing what we brought home to eat we tried to changed where we ate when we went out. When Chad and I went on a date night we always tried to eat at a local resturant. Some of our favorite places were. Characters Pub, Aussie & the Fox, Gracie's on Main and the Lancaster Coffee Company.

For clothing we always tried to stop at The Growing Place Consignment Shop or Next to New Consignment Shop. If We needed a specific article of clothing we would check out these stores first and then if we couldn't find what we needed we would shop at a chain store.

Conclusion: I'm not a professional. I still eat processed food. I still eat at Chick fil a and Chipotle on occasion. I LOVE target. But I feel i'm more informed about what is good for me and where I can find good local produce and products. Chad and I have decided we will continue to support local business as much as we can and try our hardest to keep chemicals out of our food and house. We have seen a signigicant change in our grocery bill but we know that is the price you will pay to keep your family owned stores going strong. I hope my information has been helpful to you and you can find some things that will work for your family. Remember...Shop Local, Shop Small.

The Beauty of the Unknown

Well, today I concluded my time at Speedwell Heights Brethren in Christ Church as their youth director. It truly was a bittersweet occasion. Although I felt a sense of relief knowing I will take some time off to focus on our family and spend time healing together, I really felt like I was leaving a part of me behind. I started working at Speedwell when I was 23 years old and now I'm 27. I've grown up in so many ways while working there and I believe a part of me will always remember my time at Speedwell as a significant part of my life. While working for the church Chad and I moved to a new home, got pregnant with Camden, had Camden and lost Camden. Like I said this morning to the congregation, I have been amazed at the love and support we received during the past few years. I have felt incredibly blessed to work for a place that grieved alongside with us and put no pressure on us to move on or get back to work by a certain time. I know many employers wouldn't show this kind of grace to their employees. I can now see why God called us to Speedwell. It was not only to work with their awesome teenagers but also to have a faith base support system to get us through the past year. For that we're eternally grateful.

As we look towards the future I can honestly say we have no idea where God will take us. I have no job to move into. We have no idea if anymore kids are in our future. We don't know where we will go to church. As a planner and control freak, these statements sound a bit scary but I also see the beauty of the unknown. This will be a time in my life where I need to fully trust in God for the next steps in life. Sadly, this isn't something i'm familiar with. I've been known to plan my future and tell God about it later. But not this time. I will let prayer and faith guide me. To be honest I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders knowing I don't have to make these decisions alone. And to me that is a beautiful thing.

Peace is surrounding me right as I wait to see where I will go and what I will do. I'll keep you posted :)

As of late

It's been awhile since I've blogged so tonight I thought I would give a quick update on Chad, myself and Cali. As we're gearing up for the Holiday season, we as a family are preparing ourselves for what might be an emotional few months. We have been warned by other bereaving parents that the first Christmas after losing a child can be an emotional roller coaster all over again. I guess the nice part is, Chad and I are aware and ready to face the next two months.

The autumn months have been a time of frustration for our family. A constant looming rain cloud seemed to follow me everywhere I go. I continue to look for part time employment in anticipation of stepping down from my youth ministry position in the next week. Chad and I hope to expand our family and we're dealing with all the pain and anxiousness that goes along with that. Cali has mastered how to make Mommy constantly worried about her and her health all the time. My immediate family continues to support my parents as they navigate the next stage in life. Needless to say there has been a lot going on...or shall I say a lot of stressing and a lot not happening.

With all that being said, our counselor has helped us find some good in between all the bad. She has put so much into perspective for both Chad and I.

1) Not only were we granted the incredible gift of being able to have children again, our insurance company randomly covered the whole surgical procedure. We were anticipating a $10,000 medical bill.

2) I was able to work at a place that completely supported my family during the most difficult time in our lives. They also gave me as much time as I need off and welcomed us back with open arms. And they now have been so understanding of my decision to step down.

3) Chad and I have been able to grow together as a couple during a very dark time. We know how rare this can be.

4) Cali has done an amazing job at coping with the loss of her brother and she continues to impress me with her "maturity" in understanding what has happened.

5) I have grown up spiritually and emotionally. My thoughts go deeper then they have ever before. God's presence in my life is evident, and it's not through physical blessings that I see him but rather Him revealing himself to me through these times of distress. I know he's there, I know he's listening, I know he cares, I know he loves me.

So that's where we are for now. We're digging out the "positive" in what seems to be a black hole of "negative." It seems to be the only thing that keeps us going.

We know many of you continue to pray for us and think about our family and for that we are so grateful. We still need your thoughts and prayer almost 9 months later. Chad and I still have random moments of tears and anger but they're getting less frequent as time goes by. We don't talk about Camden as much, which makes me sad, but also understandable. Many of you have asked me what Chad and I could use at this point in our grief process. If I could wish one thing, I wish someone would talk about Camden to me. I wish someone would share a cute story about our chubby little man. It might make me cry but I think nothing would be sweeter then to hear someone say his name.

Running was never my thing

So I felt the need to share about something that has changed my life. For starters I thought I should mention "athletic" was never a word to describe me. If you ask people who know what I'm like, I'm sure they would say things like she is funny, or a people-person but definitely not athletic.

As someone who has struggled with weight the majority of her life, deciding at the beginning of the new year to go on diet was nothing new. In January of 2014 I decided to start running. I know...insane right? It seemed like every person's new goal was to run a 5 k or do some spartan race. So I wanted to see what all the hype was about. So I e-mailed a friend of mine who was a runner to ask her a few basic questions, like... Is it safe for me to running at my weight? Or What kind of shoes should I wear? She was so kind enough to answer all my questions. But she also told me about a running group she was a part of on Facebook. She said it was a group of Mom's who were all runners. My first thought was NO WAY. I am not a runner yet and I will never be one of those ladies running a half marathon. But she assured me that there were mom's a part of this group at all running levels and that it was an encouraging group not a competition. So begrudgingly I join Lancaster Mom's Run This Town Facebook (LMRTT) group not knowing what I was getting myself into. I followed what people posted in the group but I never posted myself. I was embarrassed to say "I ran/walked 1.5 miles today" right next to the lady who posted her 12 mile run at a 8 minute pace.

In late January I started the Couch 25k program, and as many of you know I lost my son February 25th, 2014. Of course this put a stop to my running for a while. Between funeral arrangements, an unplanned trip away and trying to get back to normal life, running was the last thing on my mind. But a few weeks after my son passed away, I was told LMRTT wanted to do something for my family. I was flabbergasted! I had just joined the group, I have never posted anything in the group and I knew maybe three people. A group of ladies came together and had a mile walk in my son's name and had a donation box set up for us. A huge group of mom's came out to support my family. Some gave me hugs, some wrote me personal cards and some donated money to my family for funeral expenses. And they were all strangers. I was so touched by their generosity to a "kind of" runner mom who just joined their group.

As time went on I got more interested in the group and started making connections with other mom's who were at the same running level I was. I met up with a few and ran and I LOVE IT! I was making friendships and working out at the same time. What could be better then that? I started getting more confident in myself and my athletic ability. I even posted on the Facebook page that I ran at 13:00 minute mile. I was so excited! And so were many other ladies. They encouraged me and pushed me. A group of complete strangers were there for me through some of the darkest times in my life and they didn't even know it.

I would love to say that I'm running a 5k now and I've lost a ton of weight but the reality is I'm not running a 5k yet and I have only lost 10lbs during this journey. But through this all I have gained more confidence, new friendships and a desire to run, something I never had before. I would love to run in my son's 5k next summer and I'm working towards that goal with the help of my fellow mothers. But my husband and I are also trying to get pregnant so I would imagine it would be hard to run a 5k if I were 9 months pregnant :) but I've seen some ladies do it in LMRTT!

I guess this whole blog post was a shout out to LMRTT for all the things they have done for my family and I. I feel that God had my friend tell me about the group because he knew I was going to need all the support I could get in the coming months. And boy was he right.

Thank you for being there for me and helping me find a positive way to deal with my loss. I think Camden, my son, is proud of me and all that I have over come in the last few months. I think he is eternally grateful for what you have done for his mommy. <3 I got to get to bed now, I'm running in the morning with a new friend :)

Happy Birthday Camden

Well tomorrow would have been our son Camden's 1st birthday. Since he isn't here to celebrate with us, the only thing left to do is imagine what tomorrow would have been like if he were still here. Well if he was anything like his sister he would have been walking for a month now. He would be grazing on all different kinds of food and preparing to save us a whole lot of money weaning off of formula. He would be exploring all the nooks and crannies of our house and getting into things he's not supposed to. He would be attempting to break out of his crib and make a run for it. He probably would have been babbling for mamma and dadda and reaching for us to hold him.

I would probably have sent out adorable John Deere 1st birthday invitations to all his grandparents, aunts & uncles and little kid friends and their parents. I would be setting up a ridiculously huge party for a 1 year old who would never remember it. I imagine a pool party at Uncle Josh's and Aunt Lauren's. I would have got 1st year pictures taken by some amazing photograph who made my kid look amazing and then post them on Facebook for the world to see. I would have got Aunt Hope to make a delicious cake for him to shove into your face while everyone snapped pictures of him and giggled and smiled. Aunt Joy would have made him an adorable onesie with a big 1 on it. At the rate Camden was going, it probably would have been a size 18 months :) His Nana, Pop, Grandan, and Mammaw would be looking for the perfect gift for him. So many things would be happening if he were still here.

This all sounds like over kill and a little obnoxious for a 1 year old but it's the truth. These are things I would have done if Camden was still here. And those of my mom friends reading this, you probably will do the same or already had the 1st birthday experience. I used to think we mom's were crazy and spent way to much energy and time gearing up for our babies to turn into a toddler but now I see that a baby turning one is A HUGE DEAL! If Chad and I are able to have more children, I will be throwing the biggest 1st birthday party for my child. Why? because they made it! They made it through their first year of life. I've realized there are many babies who make it but there are many babies who don't. The whole process of being pregnant, giving birth and the 1st year of life is a scary time. So many things can go wrong in that time and I believe a little one's life SHOULD be celebrated whether they're here physically or watching down from Heaven.

My family has decided to celebrate Camden's life, even though it will be hard and sad. We will gather tomorrow and remember our little sweet man who gave us so much happiness and joy while he was here on Earth. I so badly wish he was here to celebrate with us. It physically hurts knowing that my 1 year old isn't here, he didn't make it. But I've got to smile that Camden was here and I got to be his mom. How lucky am I? Like any proud mom, I think I had the happiest, sweetest, most cuddly baby anyone could ask for. He was perfect.

Happy Birthday Camden!

Since I can only imagine, I imagine you to look a lot like your big sister on her 1st birthday.

Happiness is a tease

Over the past two months I have been struggling with finding true happiness. I mean I can go out and buy new clothes and that could make me happy or I can go on vacation for a few days and find joy BUT when it comes down to it, is that real happiness? Sometimes I wonder if we as human beings are capable of seeing that fine life between something that makes us happy and just simply being a happy person.

See, I think we as a society have made buying things and having things a form of happiness but I can tell you from experience it really does not. In the past three months I have tried to buy my happiness back or fill the void in my life (Camden) by putting something in his place. But as you can imagine nothing has taken Camden's place. Nothing has even come close and nothing will.

I can certainly find temporary happiness through money and wealth but it won't last.

So what will it take for me to be truly happy?

1)I would imagine contentment would be a great start. And I don't mean in my job or my house but contentment in who I am, where God has put me and the life I'm living. It's so hard to be content in our society. It really is. We're bombarded with planning for our futures and rarely do we appreciate our present. "If you’re living in the present, you’re living in acceptance. You’re accepting life as it is now, not as how you wish it would have been. When you’re living in acceptance, you realize everything is complete as it is. You can forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, and you can have peace in your heart knowing that everything that should happen will" ( http://paidtoexist.com/how-to-live-fully-in-the-present/). To me this makes sense. I need to accept my life where it is now and have peace about where it is going, even if its not in the direction I imagined. Then I think true happiness can follow.

2)I believe living simply would go hand in hand with #1. If I have less stuff I would be more capable of finding contentment and I would depend less on things and more on people and God. Today I thought about all the things I wanted and then I went through my list and wrote down why I needed them. I couldn't think of one thing I actually needed. I want to redo my kitchen because it looks like the Brady Bunch barfed on it and to make it more functional. Can I cook in it? Yes. Can I wash my dishes? Yes. Is there anything that needs fixed right this minute? No. Then why do I need a new kitchen. I don't. I guess somewhere in my head I think having a new kitchen would make me happier but it won't. Relationships can make me happy. Love can make me happy. Contentment can make me happy. Stuff can make you happy...temporarily.

3)Serve others. Dr.R. Murali Krishna says "It's one of the fundamental ways I suggest people can achieve balanced lives, whether through volunteering in the community or through finding a quieter connection with someone. We must serve others to feel like human beings. Serving others provides a spiritual connection. Mother Theresa told us that God comes to us through suffering human beings. We can't all be Mother Theresa's. But we each possess inner strengths and talents given to us so we can share them to others" (http://integrisok.com/?id=1644&sid=106). Even when I feel I have nothing left to give, I know deep down I do. And it brings me true joy to make someone else's life better as a result of using my god given gifts.

4)The last key to happiness for me is having relationships with people who need me as much as you need them. A mutual friendship like that can bring so much joy and happiness to your life. Having someone who is consistently there for you in the darkest times and the brightest times is priceless. These people are hard to come by so once you find one, never let them go. Hold them close to you heart and remember to give and take. Mutual is the key here.

I'm a far cry from obtaining true happiness right now but I have the resources and knowledge on how to get there and it has nothing to do with cherry cabinets or a state of the art Whirlpool refrigerator in my brand spanking new kitchen. And it has everything to do with contentment, relationships and my emotional well being.

The loss of life has made me rethink how I do life all together. Camden's short 6 months being here on earth has paved a whole new way of living for our family. A new journey has begun.

Philippians 4:11-13
For I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances may be. I know now how to live when things are difficult and I know how to live when things are prosperous. In general and in particular I have learned the secret of eating well or going hungry of facing either plenty of poverty. I am ready for anything through the strength of the One who lives within me.

Comfort is killing me

Sometimes I fear to share my thoughts and feelings on this blog because I know I think differently then many of my friends. But I've had a reoccurring theme in my life in the past few months and that is "be who you are."

Who am I?

I am someone who has felt called to live a life different then many. I am a person who feels that building true and lasting relationships with others, with Jesus at the core, is the utmost important part of her life. I am a Christ follower that see's needs and wants to fulfill them. I am a woman who needs a community of people to walk life with her, not just drop in once in a while. I am somebody that wants to give her heart and soul to what she believes in and never look back.

Unfortunately this person is still quietly sitting in the corner...why? Because she is comfortable and she has fears of what life would look like with out everything she is told she needs to have.

Obviously since Camden passed I have felt a burning hole in my heart. A huge piece of my heart is gone and it will never be full again. But alongside that void in my life I have found another. And the only way I see this void being filled is ironically, getting rid of all my stuff. I want to let go of the American dream and find fulfillment in love and relationships. This means instead of saving my money to make my house look nicer or going on that much needed vacation or going on a random shopping trip to target to get everything I don't need, I will look to people around me for fulfillment and joy. I will live closely with the ones I love and share all I have with them, not keep it to myself. I will stop finding value in the things I own but find value in the people I serve.

At this point in my life I can honestly say I could care less about my house, my car, my TV, my gadgets and everything else that distracts me from whats important. I care about people. I care about peoples feelings. I care about people who need me and who I need. And right now I need people. Not a car, house, or money. I need people. I really need people. I need an army of people right now to come alongside me and tell me everything is going to be OK. Facebook doesn't count. I need to know I will be taken care of today, tomorrow, three months from now, 10 years from now. I need familiar faces to be a part of my life daily, not weekly or monthly. I NEED.

I know I am not the only one who needs. We all have pain and sorrow weighing over us. Why are we trying to do it alone? Why are we trying to figure out the next steps in life alone? Shouldn't we be doing this together? Why should someone in their deepest stages of grief be left to fend for themselves?

What I have taken from the past few months is...we don't know how grieve together. We don't know how to support one another in dark times. We give money not time. Lastly and most importantly, we prefer our comfort over our callings. And this is killing me.

Drench my soul
As mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst
I hunger and thirst

With arms stretched wide
I know You hear my cry
Speak to me now
Speak to me now

I surrender
I surrender
I want to know You more
I want to know You more- Hillsong

Bitter Sweet

Oh man, life has been an emotional roller coaster over the past few months. So many feelings, so many thoughts. Some of the feelings I have toyed with just in the past two weeks would be...confusion, happiness, gratefulness, anger, jealously, unrest, fear, worry, doubt and excitement. Truthfully I can't fully describe how I feel, well, because I don't know how I feel.

On Thursday I received a tubal ligation surgery which will allow Chad and I to have children again (if it works). People have been curious and wondering how excited I was to get it done. They have wondered how I feel about having the chance to have more children. All I can muster out as far as an answer is, yes i'm grateful to have the chance but honestly it's a bitter sweet occasion. Almost a year ago Chad and I made the decision to have no more children after Camden because we knew Cali and Camden were all we wanted. We felt certain that our family was complete. One thing I now know is nothing is certain.

I didn't want to have to get this surgery. I definitely didn't want to pay for this surgery. I don't want to paint over Camden's room and make a new nursery. I want Camden back. I want the child that I carried for 9 months and loved on for 6 months to be in my arms again. I want my family together again. But that cannot happen. And the fact is because that cannot happen I would like to have another child. I would like to have another child to hold and to love on. I want Cali to have a sibling. I want my in laws to have more then one grandchild. I want there to be happiness after all this sadness.

So yes, I'm happy to have the chance to have more children but this wasn't the plan. So it's truly bitter sweet.

The easy parts over

Contrary to what you may believe the most difficult part of grief for myself has only begun. My heart it heavier now then it was two months ago. I feel weaker today then I did the moment I heard that Camden had died. Now that life has continued without Camden, I'm constantly reminded of him in my everyday activities. I see babies toddling around and I can't help but think about how he would have been at that age now. Or I see the "iconic" Carter's clothing and I'm reminded of his many cute outfits he used to wear. When I'm at church walking past the nursery it reminds me of the first few months of going back to work and trying to work in the nursery with him. I never got much done... When I see Cali playing alone I'm reminded that Camden is not there to play with her. It's impossible to go minutes without remembering what Chad and I have lost.

The reminders are hard but I also struggle with the selfishness that I feel right now. I have always been a friend that wants to help out anyone I can. The friend that someone could call on at any time of the day and I would be there to help. I have always found great pleasure in giving and helping others. But the past few months I have had little to no energy to give to anyone but myself and my family. And frankly that bothers me. I know Chad and I are struggling and we need love and support from our family and friends but our family and friends are also dealing with their own things and they may need our love and support too. I'm trying to figure out how I can grieve but still love on others in the process. I have not found that balance yet.

Through all of this pain and struggle I would have to say the most difficult part of our journey is still ahead of us. In three weeks I will be getting the surgery (Tubal reversal) to allow Chad and I to have more children. We are excited we even have this option but as time gets closer, my fears and reservations have come forward. I have many questions.

Is having more children the right thing for us?
What if our next child doesn't make it?
What if we can't get pregnant?
Will this be hard on Cali?
When or if we have another child, will I be able to sleep again?
What if we have another boy?

Aside from all of those questions, thinking on a spiritual level, How can I have faith in the same God that watched Camden die?

Clearly my mind is filled with questions, but the ultimate answer is simple. I will have to take a leap of faith and trust that everything will be ok.

The journey will continue to get more difficult as we anticipate his first birthday August 22.

I know this blog wasn't uplifting or inspirational but it's the truth. It's the cold hard truth. Yesterday was hard, today was harder, tomorrow will be the hardest. Please continue to pray for us as life goes on. It is far from over. It will never be over.

Death has lost it's sting

Anyone who has known me for longer then 5 minutes knows that I have some irrational fears of death. For instance, I have never like thunder storms, more specifically tornado's. The minute we have a tornado warning I scramble my belongings together and head for the basement. I've always had a fear of dying in a Tornado. I've also had a fear of getting cancer. Whenever I found a weird bump on my body or randomly got sick, I was convinced it was cancer. I know, it sounds a little crazy, and I still can't believe I'm sharing this with the whole world. But I want you to know at one point in my life I spent more time fearing death then actually living my life.

You would think after experiencing such an incredible loss in my life I would fear death ever more but the exact opposite has happened to me. Shortly after Camden's passing my family and I took a spontaneous trip to Florida. Prior to Camden dying I would have been a nervous wreck knowing I had to fly on a plane but I didn't even think twice about it. I got on the plane, sat at the window seat and flew to Florida with no anxiety weighing me down. I can't tell you how exhilarating it has been to let go of a life time of fears and begin living a life again.

I can say I am at peace with death. Death has lost it's sting. I now understand more then ever that death is completely out of our control and living in constant fear is no way to live the one life you've got. Having faith has a whole new meaning to me. I have faith that God is with me at all times and he cares deeply for me. But my faith is no longer dependent upon God protecting me from bad things. I no longer pray for God to keep me safe or out of harms way. I pray that he will be with me where ever he leads me, good or bad, and he will help me get through whatever comes my way.

So yeah, one day I might get cancer, or get caught in a bad storm, literally or metaphorically, or my son might die, but have no fear God will be there faithfully. It takes time to see it but he does come through, it just might not look like you thought it would.

With all this being said, I still miss Camden more then words can express and I don't think I will ever fully understand why this had to happen to Chad and I BUT I do know Camden's death does not make God any less faithful. And his promises are still very true. One day I will die here on earth but God's promise of eternal life will be before me. I know I will see Camden again and that right there is why death has lost it's sting. Heaven is right around the corner. It actually makes me excited to think about. In the meantime I'm going to make the most of the life I have here. I want to try to be as happy as Camden was :)I love you little man. You make me want to be a better person everyday.

Babies, babies & more babies

Many of my friends have been wondering how Chad and I are handling being around other babies since Camden's passing. Well, as you can imagine, Chad and I are very different. Right now Chad loves to hold other children but me on the other hand, I struggle with it. I continue to be surrounded by other babies and pregnant woman. This is something that I have had to work through and I continue to work through.

It's not that I'm not happy for those around me with babies or those who are expecting but it's more about the reminder that I may never have more children. And I'm going to continue to watch all my friends have more and more children as Chad and I wait and wonder. I know I have a handful of friends who probably feel very similar to me when it comes to feeling left out. There are many woman out there who can't have children for lots of different reasons. And I know how lucky I am to even have one and I don't take that lightly.

I'm teaching myself how to be happy for my friends even when it's hard. I'm learning very quickly, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Meaning, many people around me are going to have children, even people who don't want them and I can't let that fester. I can't hold that against anyone. Everything that has happened in our lives is nobody's fault. I can't be mad about something that was out of my control.

Chad and I still have hope we will be able to have more children but i'm starting to realize something... We have to be ok with the idea that we may NOT have more children. It's hard to say but its a reality that we must deal with as a couple. We may be a one kid family forever and this is OK.

It's funny, I've always seen one kid families as odd (I don't mean to offend anyone) but now I realized sometimes it's out of that families control. Not everyone wants one kid but sometimes that's just how it happens. I tell Chad all the time. If Cali is our only child, well then we did good, because she's pretty awesome! I love her with all my heart and I pray that we can "give her another Camden."

<3

Love is War

So while driving to West Virginia last weekend I heard a song by Hillsong United called "Love is War." The title of the song sounded awfully contradictory to me. After reading through the lyrics I had a better understanding of the statement "Love is War." And I would totally agree. Sometimes loving can be a war. Sometimes it takes everything in me to love someone who had done me wrong. Sometimes I find it hard to love God and to love others in this broken world. Loving is a constant battle as a Christ follower of Jesus, but we're called to love, in fact we're told loving is THE most important part of our life.

Love can look differently to many of us. For myself, I show love by spending time with people or helping them with things they cannot do alone. I like to give gifts and I like to make people laugh. I feel these are practical ways I can spread God's love through the world. But what happens when you're called to love someone who makes you mad? OR someone that seems less then loving towards you? That is when loving becomes a war. When do we throw up our white flag and surrender ourselves to God and love regardless of the past? And how do we set aside our hurt, and love again when the person you're angry with is the person you also need to look to for strength?

These are questions that constantly run through my mind right now. Before Camden passed, I loved to pray. It was easy and natural for me. But as of late, I find it hard to know what to say to God so I have to trust that he knows what I want to say. Right now I feel like I'm in a constant battle with God.

"I love you, but I'm so hurt and confused."
"You're my life, but I can't see what your plan is FOR my life."
"I love you, Do you love me?"

So I had to start looking for answers for all these questions and thoughts. Then I read these lyric from the song "Love is War."

"And I know Your love has won it all
You took the fall
To embrace my sorrows
I know You took the fight
You came and died but the grave was borrowed
I know You stood again
So I can stand with a life to follow
In the light of Your name."

I know God's love conquers all. No matter how bad the world is or will become. God's love is on the other side. Jesus dying on the cross for us was the ultimate gift of Love. And he did it so we could live a life full of love in a very dark world. Yes Camden is gone and he will never be with us here on earth again. This is the very sad and honest truth BUT Chad and I still have a life to live. We still have love to share. We both agree, why waste a life God gave us on bitterness and anger when we can in turn spend a life of love and selflessness, just like Jesus did.

Anger will not bring Camden back. But love might offer others a new life. What's sweeter than that?

Love. Simply Love. Love those who think differently then you. Love those who do bad things to you. Love those who don't know what love is. Love not because the bible tells you to, love because loving others has the potential to save someone's life.

We love you Camden.

Falling in love all over again...

Don't let the title fool you. Chad and I are definitely having our rough patches since Camden passed but we're still in this together. Camden was our little man and he will always be our little man. My love for Chad has not diminished since all of this happened. In fact I would say it has made it stronger. We look at life a whole lot differently. Things have slowed down considerably and we contend on keeping it that way.

So if my love for Chad has not changed, then whom would I be talking about? Well some of you may be surprised but I realized recently I need to fall in love with God all over again. He broke my heart. I mean this wasn't your typical 7th grade heartbreak. This was an earth shattering, life changing, faith-challenging event in my life that took my heart and broke it into many pieces. And all I could think about is why did God allow this to happen. He may not have had caused this to happen, but he allowed Camden to die. That has been a hard pill to swallow.

Just like any relationship, to maintain a healthy and trust worthy partnership, it involves time, commitment, love and faith. All of these things I had tried to faithfully give God over the years. Of course I failed many times but over the past 3 years of being in youth ministry I never talked to God so much before. He was my right hand. I prayed when I was happy. I prayed when I was sad. I prayed when I was confused I prayed. I saw him at work in my life and I was fully ready to follow his path for my future...or at least if the path was easy and comfortable.

But apparently God's path for my life wasn't intended to be a walk in paradise. Actually nowhere did he ever tell me that. I hate to reference my sister again, but she is woman of much wisdom and I look up to her in many ways. Not long after Camden passed we were talking over the computer and I rambled many questions TO her, ending with, "How could He(God) do this to me?" She said maybe through all of this I would realize that God never promised my life would be easy and now I could really understand and experience what it means to have faith. Then I came across this quote: “God never said life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it.”

God isn't concerned about making me happy; rather He is more concerned about making me holy(another hard pill to swallow).

In a culture that worships the quick, easy, painless and comfortable; It is unthinkable that we would be called to endure heartache and suffering. We always hear of suffering in the cities or in the third world or even down our street, but IT does not effect us, until the suffering knocks on our door and it's our turn. Suffering will knock on all of our doors.

We are tempted to ask God, why doesn't my happiness matter? Why does she get to be happy? Why does she get to watch her son grow up? Why do they get to smile?

Although I can't answer for God, I would imagine he would say, "I do want you to be happy, but that's not my priority. I want you to live a life holy and pleasing to me, not to you. And that may look differently than what you had planned. Remember my son? His name was Jesus and I watch him die a horrible death. I watch him get beaten and cursed at. I lost my son too and for what? For YOU! I have been through what you have been through. I have mourned that death of my son. But have hope because I am with him now, eternally and one day you will be too."

It took a while for me to muster up my first conversation with God after Camden died. In fact it was only last week that I sat quietly and let God know how I felt. I hold this passage near and dear to my heart right now, "As for me, I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice." Psalm 55:16-17

No matter the tone of my prayer, God wants to hear from me. I may have yelled and cried and said things you don't say to your father but I did...and the amazing thing is... He still loves me, deeply. Yes he loves me. And I will love him again, but it will take time. I will fall in love with God all over again. Who knows maybe this time our trust and commitment will be stronger than ever? In some way I look at what happened as a faith building experience. I guess you could say the silver lining.


Broken Hallelujah- The Afters

I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.

I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.


I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.

Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.

Blogging- A modern diary for all to read

A good way to start out my first blog post would be to give you some background information. My name is Julie and I'm a 26 year old wife, mother, youth pastor & student. I was married at 20 to my husband, Chad. We became pregnant two years after our wedding and gave birth to our daughter, Cali, on Valentine's Day 2011. She was a wonderful baby. She was perfect.

Just about two years later we found out we were pregnant AGAIN but this was a surprise. That August we gave birth to our son Camden. Like many family we were so excited: we had our girl and our boy. "The million dollar family" some would say. We took a sigh of relief after his birth because we knew this was our family. It was complete. Two kids were all we planned for and all we really wanted. We had made it official by getting my tubes tied during my c-section. Little did I know, I would want more children in the future...but not for the reasons you think.

The first few months of having two kids were challenging for me. I'm not a natural "baby" person. Many days I cried and felt inadequate as a mother. Leaving the house was an impossible task with a baby and a needy toddler. It didn't help that Camden's first few months of life were over one of the worst winters in 20 years. We were snowed in numerous times, making for some very tight quarters and a major case of cabin fever for all of us. My husband works strange hours as a truck driver so he wasn't always there to help. It was just me and the kids. Looking back I wish I would have cherished those moments more and complained less, but I can't go back in time. I can only remember this for the future.

I remember having a very rough day with my daughter on February 24, 2014. So much so, when my husband came home I ran off to the bedroom and locked the door and cried to my sister. She told me I wasn't a horrible mother, but that this was season in life. She gave me some advice and I began to feel better.

The next day, February 25, 2014, I promised to have a better day. I woke up on the right side of bed and I made the decision to be happy and play with my kids. And so I did. I did puzzles with my daughter. I sat on the floor with my son and played with him. He was just beginning to sit up and play with his sister! It was fun to watch. Camden was more sleepy than usual that day. I thought maybe he was teething or was going through a growth spurt. During Cali's afternoon nap I remember holding Camden in my arms and watching him sleep. I always loved watching him sleep. He was so peaceful and beautiful. My husband got home around 4pm and we did the usual: I made dinner while Chad played with the kids. Everyone was happy and well-rested. Before we sat down for dinner Camden started fussing a little so we decided to lay him down for another nap. Little did we know that would be the last time we would hold him.

After dinner I left home to run some errands. Camden was still napping. Chad and I had some small talk on the phone while I was out and I remember him saying "I'm going to wake up Camden, it's been a long nap." And so he did, or he tried. Twenty minutes later, as I was walking into my parents house, I received that gut-wrenching phone call from Chad telling me to come home. I asked why but he wouldn't tell me. He repeated "Come home." If you know my husband, you take what he says seriously. I dropped everything I had in my hands and ran to my car. My dad came with me. Frantically driving home I called my husband again and again to ask what was happening. He finally told me to go directly to the hospital, it was Camden and he was not doing well. I pulled over, crying hysterically and my dad and I switch seats. My dad took us to the hospital. Like a Hollywood movie, that drive felt like forever.

Once we got to the hospital I ran inside to the receptionist and said "My son is in there. Let me see my son." Then I saw it, in her face. She knew who I was and she didn't want to say anything. Out came a hospital clergy. He walked me back to Chad and I ran to him. Again, it felt like a movie...a very bad movie. I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea how bad it was. All we could do was wait.

Waiting in the small family room with our parents and pastors, a tall dark haired doctor walked in. Just like the show "ER" he said "I'm sorry to tell you that he didn't make it. We did all we could but it was too late." I remember losing my breath and everything began spinning. I heard Glenn, Chad's dad weeping in the corner and my Dad looking completely shocked. We were slowly escorted back to his room where we got to see him and touch him and say our goodbyes. I was hesitant at first. I didn't want to touch him. But I knew I had to. Chad and I sat next to each other and we each had a turn to hold him. We sang Jesus Loves Me to him and rocked him for a while. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I will never forget what he looked like at that moment. He was cold, white and covered with medical equipment. But he was still beautiful and he was still our Camden. The second hardest thing I have ever had to do was leaving the hospital. Leaving my son. Leaving his body and going home. Everything felt wrong about it.

How could this happen? What happened? Was he sick? What did we do wrong? All these questions ran through my head. The doctors had no answer. NONE. There was nothing obvious that happened to him. Throughout the whole evening Camden had the best of the best doctors working on him. From the 20 some EMT'S who showed up at our house, to the 5 doctors working on him frantically in the ER. They tried. They tried hard. But he was already gone. He passed away in his sleep and Chad had found him lifeless and pale. The calm person my husband is, he had quickly called 911 and began performing CPR on Camden. Our 3-year-old daughter witnessed it all. There was nothing he could have done. Camden died of SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. You hear about this in your prenatal classes and in your textbooks in school but never do you imagine it happening to you. After Camden passed, our doctor informed us that Camden had a 0.05% chance of dying of SIDS. Yes, Camden is now part of a VERY small percentage of babies who die for absolutely no reason.

If you're wondering: SIDS is the leading cause of infant death under one year of age. SIDS cannot be predicted or prevented at this time. SIDS is not caused by neglect or child abuse. SIDS is not contagious or infectious. SIDS is not caused by an immunization. SIDS is not considered hereditary. SIDS is not a new medical problem. SIDS occurs rapidly and silently, usually during periods of sleep. The baby does not suffer. SIDS occurs in families at all social and economic levels. SIDS probably has more than one cause although the final death mechanisms appear to be similar. SIDS is not anyone’s fault.

Well that is it for now. Come back to my blog and follow me along in this journey of grief. I have no idea what the future holds for me but I do know God had a much different plan than I did. Now I must figure out what this is.