Bitter Sweet

Oh man, life has been an emotional roller coaster over the past few months. So many feelings, so many thoughts. Some of the feelings I have toyed with just in the past two weeks would be...confusion, happiness, gratefulness, anger, jealously, unrest, fear, worry, doubt and excitement. Truthfully I can't fully describe how I feel, well, because I don't know how I feel.

On Thursday I received a tubal ligation surgery which will allow Chad and I to have children again (if it works). People have been curious and wondering how excited I was to get it done. They have wondered how I feel about having the chance to have more children. All I can muster out as far as an answer is, yes i'm grateful to have the chance but honestly it's a bitter sweet occasion. Almost a year ago Chad and I made the decision to have no more children after Camden because we knew Cali and Camden were all we wanted. We felt certain that our family was complete. One thing I now know is nothing is certain.

I didn't want to have to get this surgery. I definitely didn't want to pay for this surgery. I don't want to paint over Camden's room and make a new nursery. I want Camden back. I want the child that I carried for 9 months and loved on for 6 months to be in my arms again. I want my family together again. But that cannot happen. And the fact is because that cannot happen I would like to have another child. I would like to have another child to hold and to love on. I want Cali to have a sibling. I want my in laws to have more then one grandchild. I want there to be happiness after all this sadness.

So yes, I'm happy to have the chance to have more children but this wasn't the plan. So it's truly bitter sweet.