The autumn months have been a time of frustration for our family. A constant looming rain cloud seemed to follow me everywhere I go. I continue to look for part time employment in anticipation of stepping down from my youth ministry position in the next week. Chad and I hope to expand our family and we're dealing with all the pain and anxiousness that goes along with that. Cali has mastered how to make Mommy constantly worried about her and her health all the time. My immediate family continues to support my parents as they navigate the next stage in life. Needless to say there has been a lot going on...or shall I say a lot of stressing and a lot not happening.
With all that being said, our counselor has helped us find some good in between all the bad. She has put so much into perspective for both Chad and I.
1) Not only were we granted the incredible gift of being able to have children again, our insurance company randomly covered the whole surgical procedure. We were anticipating a $10,000 medical bill.
2) I was able to work at a place that completely supported my family during the most difficult time in our lives. They also gave me as much time as I need off and welcomed us back with open arms. And they now have been so understanding of my decision to step down.
3) Chad and I have been able to grow together as a couple during a very dark time. We know how rare this can be.
4) Cali has done an amazing job at coping with the loss of her brother and she continues to impress me with her "maturity" in understanding what has happened.
5) I have grown up spiritually and emotionally. My thoughts go deeper then they have ever before. God's presence in my life is evident, and it's not through physical blessings that I see him but rather Him revealing himself to me through these times of distress. I know he's there, I know he's listening, I know he cares, I know he loves me.
So that's where we are for now. We're digging out the "positive" in what seems to be a black hole of "negative." It seems to be the only thing that keeps us going.
We know many of you continue to pray for us and think about our family and for that we are so grateful. We still need your thoughts and prayer almost 9 months later. Chad and I still have random moments of tears and anger but they're getting less frequent as time goes by. We don't talk about Camden as much, which makes me sad, but also understandable. Many of you have asked me what Chad and I could use at this point in our grief process. If I could wish one thing, I wish someone would talk about Camden to me. I wish someone would share a cute story about our chubby little man. It might make me cry but I think nothing would be sweeter then to hear someone say his name.
Great job sharing your heart. I'm sure it's difficult to put into words what you're feeling but it's vital to your healing. Delicia's family talks about Ian often and it feels good knowing I can talk about him with them. Thanks for letting us know we can do the same with you. I think most people aren't sure what to say or not to say but I agree that we need to keep his memory alive. Many blessings and much love being sent your way :)
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