Challenge accepted

I just finished watching "Fault in our Stars", which is a movie about two sick teenagers who fall in love at the most inopportune time. Both were nearing the end of their fight against cancer. Where as some people may have watched this movie and thought it ended so sadly, I would have said it ended beautifully. Now I would hate to ruin this movie for those of you who have not seen it so if you plan to see it anytime soon please stop reading this blog now. You can only imagine where a love story about two sick cancer patients will go so I hope it won't be too much of a surprise when I say..someone dies. Yes death is sad and unbearable at times but the reason I found this movie to be so fascinating was over the simple fact that they both talked about death so freely. They understood their outcomes and although it looked bleek, they were able to find love in the mist of all the heartache. They laughed, they cried, they showed affection towards one another, they lived life. Why? Not because they were dying but because they were living. Everyday they woke up, they breathed another breath and lived life together because they could. Because their bodies functioned one more day. As I watched this movie I had some bizarre emotions. I felt...envy and jealously.

Let me explain. One evening on a cold February night Chad found our son, who we thought to be a healthy thriving infant, lifeless in his crib. There was nothing leading up to his unexpected death. We had no warnings, or signs pointing us in this direction. This is where the envy kicks in. Looking back over those few short months he was actually with us, I wish I had a timeline. I would have done things so differently. I would have soaked up every last minute I had with him, not because I knew he was going to die but because he was living one more day with me. I wish I understood the power of one more day when he was here. I got to spend 188 days with Camden and what an incredible gift that was but I can't help but think about what I could have done differently. How I could have been a better mom. How I could have held him more.

But we all know life doesn't grant us the luxury of our death dates. It's our responsibility to live the one life we've been handed. To wake up each day and to be reminded of the simple gift of taking another breath, living another day. Why does it take losing a loved one for us to understand how precious life really is? Don't wait till someone dear to you dies to say you're going to live each day like there was no tomorrow. Start today. Don't do it because you're dying, do it because you have the chance to live, now.

Watching the couple in the movie inspired me to talk about death more freely. To not be scared of dying but to be excited to live. To tell those closes to me what I would say at their eulogy... while their still alive.

I don't want this blog to fool you. Losing someone close to you hurts. It sucks. Frankly, it's the worse pain you will ever feel, regardless of preparation or not. Loss is loss. I've over heard people referring to losing a child as the "ultimate" loss. I would have to disagree. Every loss hurts whether is a child, sibling, parent or friend. But think about how different you would feel after losing a loved one if you knew you spent each day with them like it was their last. You told them you loved them more then you would like to admit. You hugged them every chance you got. You laughed together, you cried together...you lived together because that is what life is all about. Being together. Caring for one another.The next time you turn down spending time with someone you love because you have more work to finish or the wash needs done or it's simply too much work to put on real clothes and go somewhere...I challenge you to reconsider. You got to live one more day...how are you going to spend it?

I'll leave you with this. My dad who has been a pastor for many years and who has held hands with someone taking their last breath always said he never met a person dying wishing they had spent more time working or more time cleaning their house. They always said they wished the would have spent more time with the the ones they loved.

This particular picture was taken one day while I was trying to work from home but Camden wanted to be held ALLLL day. Not a lot of work got done that day...but boy am I so glad I decided to hold him.