Comfort is killing me

Sometimes I fear to share my thoughts and feelings on this blog because I know I think differently then many of my friends. But I've had a reoccurring theme in my life in the past few months and that is "be who you are."

Who am I?

I am someone who has felt called to live a life different then many. I am a person who feels that building true and lasting relationships with others, with Jesus at the core, is the utmost important part of her life. I am a Christ follower that see's needs and wants to fulfill them. I am a woman who needs a community of people to walk life with her, not just drop in once in a while. I am somebody that wants to give her heart and soul to what she believes in and never look back.

Unfortunately this person is still quietly sitting in the corner...why? Because she is comfortable and she has fears of what life would look like with out everything she is told she needs to have.

Obviously since Camden passed I have felt a burning hole in my heart. A huge piece of my heart is gone and it will never be full again. But alongside that void in my life I have found another. And the only way I see this void being filled is ironically, getting rid of all my stuff. I want to let go of the American dream and find fulfillment in love and relationships. This means instead of saving my money to make my house look nicer or going on that much needed vacation or going on a random shopping trip to target to get everything I don't need, I will look to people around me for fulfillment and joy. I will live closely with the ones I love and share all I have with them, not keep it to myself. I will stop finding value in the things I own but find value in the people I serve.

At this point in my life I can honestly say I could care less about my house, my car, my TV, my gadgets and everything else that distracts me from whats important. I care about people. I care about peoples feelings. I care about people who need me and who I need. And right now I need people. Not a car, house, or money. I need people. I really need people. I need an army of people right now to come alongside me and tell me everything is going to be OK. Facebook doesn't count. I need to know I will be taken care of today, tomorrow, three months from now, 10 years from now. I need familiar faces to be a part of my life daily, not weekly or monthly. I NEED.

I know I am not the only one who needs. We all have pain and sorrow weighing over us. Why are we trying to do it alone? Why are we trying to figure out the next steps in life alone? Shouldn't we be doing this together? Why should someone in their deepest stages of grief be left to fend for themselves?

What I have taken from the past few months is...we don't know how grieve together. We don't know how to support one another in dark times. We give money not time. Lastly and most importantly, we prefer our comfort over our callings. And this is killing me.

Drench my soul
As mercy and grace unfold
I hunger and thirst
I hunger and thirst

With arms stretched wide
I know You hear my cry
Speak to me now
Speak to me now

I surrender
I surrender
I want to know You more
I want to know You more- Hillsong