2016... love it, or hate it?

So I'm gearing up for the annual Facebook posts about how awful 2016 was and the hopes for a brighter and better 2017. While I have had my fair share of awful years, I'm happy to say this was not one of them. If fact this is one of the best years I've had in a very long time. I can't really attribute it to one particular thing but several small things. No luck was involved. Just a great year, great attitude, great connections and a great God.

Where do I start...Well I guess I will start where I hope all of us would find our greatest success, in our relationships. This year I have formed some of the closest friendships I have ever had. I have connected with a few woman and their families the way I have always dreamed of. Although we range in age, we somehow make it work! Our kids love being together as much as we do. We have supported each other through moves, surgeries, and family problems. We have formed a small community of support. It truly is beautiful and I thank God everyday for these amazing woman!

Moving on, our dream of having another child naturally was laid to rest after a grueling bout of unsuccessful fertility treatments. We were super bummed but also relieved it was over. Little did we know God had a whole new direction for us to go. We started the adoption process! Chad and I had excitement again and we felt confident this is where we should be. We had a few fundraisers for our adoption and we were blessed with many donations! We are now ready to move forward with our adoption and we hope to bring a child home in 2017!

Next, we sold our home of 5 and a half years and bought a new one right down the road. As you can imagine, living in the home where your son died holds a lot of baggage. In preparation of bringing home a baby we thought a new house would be very helpful! Since we love the Leola area we kept a close eye on realty in the area. Everything fell into place beautifully and we're now happy home owners again. Another cool thing that came out of our move was having the opportunity to live with my in laws for 6 weeks. I think we all were a little worried how it would turn out but surprisingly it went very well! I have enjoyed our time together and I'm not going to lie, I'm going to miss having all the people around. Thank you Glenn and Linda for your hospitality! It was a wonderful stay. And thank your Tracy Seiger (Life Change Realty) for your patience and perseverance in finding us the perfect home.

Another exciting event for me this year was starting a new job. I know I have bounced around a lot. But I've always been a person to follow her heart and passions. I never want to be in a job I hate. It took me a lot of jobs and many years but I finally found the perfect job for me as an administrative coordinator of a non profit. Everyday I'm excited to go to work and make a difference. I love the challenge most of all!

Something I have been working at all year is becoming healthier and finding out what that means to me. I have gone to my counselor, used a personal trainer for a short time (Empower Training, I would highly recommend them!), worked through journals and flooded my Facebook and Instagram with body positive pages. I have never been more in tune with my body, spirit and mind. I no longer think being healthy means "skinny." I no longer worry about my health because I know I'm making the right strides to take care of myself.

Looking back over the past year, I can't help but smile. I know my life is far from perfect but I have seen the blessings God has placed before me and I will not take them for granted! It's refreshing to feel a sense of positivity in my life, after all Chad and I have endured.

If this was a crappy year for you, I have been there. I understand. I pray you will surround yourself will good people, opportunities and strive to continue to better yourself in 2017. Don't put your faith in "luck." Put your faith in yourself and all God can do with you and your gifts. Half the battle is overcoming the negativity.

I wish you a VERY happy new year!

My prayer for the future

Now that the election is over, we gear up for a new presidency and look towards the future. Although I personally was not pleased with the outcome, there is nothing I can do to change what has been decided. My entire life my parents continued to tell me "do not stress over what you cannot control." As I shared last month, I was scared and unsure of our future as a country. I laid awake wondering where we go from here.

It's a month later and I can say i'm in a better place. Not because anything changed in my favor or because I now agree with the outcome...but because I realized the power I hold as an individual and the changes I can make personally to make this world a better place.

I have really good news! I, Julie, can say and SHOW how I want to treat others, rather than modeling what I see on TV or hear in the news. I can control how I act and speak of others around me. I may not be able to change the laws but I can change the tone. I may not be on the news or have a platform to speak from but I do have a voice and I can choose to speak love and kindness. I may not have billions of dollars but I do have money to share even if it hurts to give.

I've taken this outcome as a personal challenge. I will not spend the next few years spreading hate or using hurtful rhetoric. I will not exclude those who share a different way of life. I will not speak hatefully of our president or his family. Like Michelle Obama said "When they go low, we go high."

To all those who fear for the future; refugees, undocumented immigrants, LGBTQ family and Muslims. You're welcome in my home. You may eat dinner at my table and I will show you the same love and kindness that EVERY human being deserves. No matter who is in charge, you're loved and cared for by many.

I hope we can all find room in our hearts and homes for all those who may suffer the most during the next presidency. My prayer is, we the people can display the love of Jesus Christ throughout this country and around the world, regardless of whats happening in the white house. Don't underestimate the power God has given us. Our voices and actions can go so far!

This is my anthem right now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hc849mZDcN8

Letting Go

I'm trying my hardest to keep it together but my emotions are running through me right now. I feel so much. I feel like I can only talk to a few select people who will allow me to vent and truly be myself with out judging me for what I believe. I have spend the last 10 years of my life as an in the closet Democrat. While I hinted about some of my opinions on social media and engaged in political debates with fellow christian friends, I was never courageous enough to come out and say I'm a christian who votes democrat. Mainly because I live in a super conservative area where politics and religion go hand in hand. Which I find deeply confusing.
As you can imagine when my husband woke me up at 3 am Wednesday morning to tell me Donald Trump had won I was in awe wondering if this was a bad dream. I could not sleep for the rest of the night. So many things were running through my mind.

What will life be like for our future adoptive child if they are a different race in a Trump run country? How will this effect Cali and her future? What will this do to our international relations? How can Hilary win the popular vote but not win the election? But my biggest question of all...How could 80% of evangelic Christians vote for Donald Trump?

Now you really don't have to answer that, because I'm pretty sure I already know. Every conversation goes straight to abortion and the supreme court. While I don't take abortion lightly I also don't agree a man who once was pro choice is all the sudden pro life in the mist of an election.

Regardless of what I believe and what your believe, there is a bigger problem facing this nation and that is, we love politics more than we love God and each other. And if you don't believe that, then you are turning a blind eye to the truth. We just spend the past year consumed by two people who promised us the world and look where we are today. Fighting, auguring, putting each other down, using hurtful language, acting childish and using social media as an outlet...I know the irony since i'm writing a blog and posting it on Facebook. But seriously, many of you reading this would consider yourself Christian. Are you proud of how you acted this past election? Do you think you allowed God into the process or was this about what you wanted? Did you let fear make your decision for you? Have you said things on Facebook that you would NEVER have the courage to say to someone in person?

Looking back, I'm not proud of myself and I wish I would have let go of this election a long time ago. I'm holding so much anger today simply because I was too involved in something that didn't involve God at all. I don't believe God would have voted for either of these candidates. I believe Jesus would have been busy taking care of the poor, spending time with the lowest of lows in society and spending his money on saving people not on political campaigns. Jesus is starkly different than the rest of us and that is obvious! We cannot expect Donald Trump to save this country...he can't, he won't. We can't expect him to stop abortion...he can't, he won't...The only person we can put our hope in is JESUS.

Jesus is worth so much more the billions trump has. He is so much more than a republican or democrat. He is our hope, peace and life. Please I begging all of you who are reading this. Let go of this election and move on. Find strength and hope is your neighbors, church and God. Spread love and peace! I'm letting go of my political position and i'm having faith in human kind and God not in politics. Life is just too short to keep this up.

I know this wasn't my most thought out or well written blog but this was healing to write for me. I needed to say this out loud.

Moving towards freedom

If you're in hopes for a great political blog post from the title, I'm sorry to disappoint you. This has nothing to do with politics. It has everything to do with the personal freedom I have gained through releasing guilt, negativity and anger from my life. When I look back at who I was just a few short years ago, I cringe. I was so caught up in pleasing everyone around me that I made myself miserable in the process. I was constantly in a state of being uncomfortable because I was never truly being myself. It wasn't until February 25th, 2014 I was able to recognize this.
For those of you who have experienced a significant loss in your life, I'm sure can agree, it changes you. I can't tell you how but it changes you. It just does. I was so emotionally distraught the months after Camden's death I didn't have the energy or desire to pretend to be someone I was not. My heart agonized and I'm sure it showed. I could burst into tears in conversation, I got angry easily when I saw people having a good time and I felt alone in my mind. Looking back I was not alone, but in that moment I felt so alone, like Chad and I were on a deserted Island screaming for someone to come save us. But the reality was, no one could save us. It was something He and I had to work though personally and spiritually.
If you talked to Chad about his grief experience he may share his feeling of guilt that loomed over him for too long. He was a home when Camden died in his sleep, and he always questioned, what if I would had checked on him just a little bit sooner? Obviously everyone would tell him, this was not his fault. There was nothing he could have done to change the situation but that didn't make a difference to Chad. It was something he had to personally let go of before he could release that guilt.
For myself I struggled with internal anger. I was so mad at myself for being a hot mess when Camden was still alive. I struggled with postpartum depression after Camden's birth. I spent a lot of time crying and leaving the house when Chad got home from work. I was so mad I didn't enjoy being a mother while he was here. I felt like he had a horrible mom and he didn't deserve that. Again, those I confided in would adamantly denounce my feelings and reminded me of the great mother I was to Camden and still was to Cali. I tired my hardest to believe them but I knew I wouldn't until I believed myself.
I thank God everyday for the people in our lives who encouraged us to get counseling right after Camden's death. I'm not sure I would have found that necessary if it weren't for the push of good friends. Through grief counseling, spiritual guidance and faithful friends we both were able to release those nagging feelings we held onto.
I feel more myself now then I have ever in my entire life. I have accepted who I am and who God created me to be. I no longer struggle with pleasing everyone around me. I see myself as a good mom. I might not be the best mom but I know I'm a good mom. I no longer pretend to be someone I'm not. I used to wish I was quieter, and more introverted. But guess what...I"M NOT! I've tired to be quiet in social settings and I just feel like I'm going to explode! It's the curse of Dan Hock on me. I'm not a cuddly, romantic person...and I married someone who isn't either. It works for us!
I'm so happy I released those feelings and now I'm moving towards internal freedom. I feel happy. Really happy.

You never know what God will teach you through an awful situation.

Come and sit at the table

Yesterday during church I was reminded of a child hood memory that made me chuckle. Our pastor was reminiscing over having to sit at the kids table at holiday gatherings. I could relate. Having a large extended family, many times there were several "kids" tables set up. Most times it was a flimsy card table that wobbled when you moved. I'm sure my cousins Emily, Kayla and Rebecca can remember the many meals we shared at the "kids" table. I was always so offended that I had to sit at the little table in the other room far away from the older kids and parents. But the funny part is we now make Cali and her cousins and friends sit at the kids table. It's a right of passage when you think about it. Everyone has to take a turn. But oddly enough looking back, I'm grateful I had those experiences. I had the opportunity to sit with my cousins, share a meal and enjoy each others company...unattended :) I don't get to see them much anymore but I can look back over those fond memories and smile.

If you ask my parents, since I was a little girl, I always found it important to sit down as a family and eat. It was a special time for me. Sometimes my mom would like to watch TV when she ate dinner and I would adamantly state, everyone must come to the table and eat with me. I was the designated prayer too. I enjoyed the quality family time we had around the dinner table. As we got older, sometimes it involved inappropriate conversations that would make mom mad and dad chuckle. When I would go to friends houses I would see sitting around a table for dinner was not the norm, which made me sad. In high school I really enjoyed cooking and even attend school for culinary arts. Look back, I think it had to do with my desire to provide people with a delicious meal to sit down and enjoy TOGETHER. Together being the key word.

Eating is as old as dirt. Man kind has been doing it since God created Adam and Eve. It's a necessity to live. But equally as important is companionship. I feel like our society has forgotten how vitally important relationships are not only for our health but our survival. Studies show, when faced with major illnesses, those individuals with a great social network are at a better position to survive. The loving support of friends helps them through the healing process. Interestingly enough, a 2004 study published by the American Sociological Review revealed that the average number of trusted friends fell by a third in the past 20 years and the proportion of people with no confidants has doubled.

This is alarming to me. I can say with confidence, Chad and I survived Camden's death because of the support system God placed before us. There was no greater thing that held us together. I don't want family and friends to stop eating at the table together. These moments are so important and will be remembered, I promise! For all the reasons you might say no to a fellowship meal or sitting at the dinner table with your family, I strongly ask you to reconsider. You may feel you don't physically need to eat but do you emotionally need to be at the table? Those people around that table could save your life when you need it most. It sounds extreme but don't take it lightly. We need each other and the best place to meet is around a table. Not in front of the TV, not in the car on the way to practice, not squeezed in between activities but sitting down and eating a meal TOGETHER.

Happy Birthday

Dear Camden,
It's hard to believe it's your third birthday. Time keeps moving on. Our lives are so different now then it was only a few short years ago. It feels like just yesterday I was calling Daddy during the middle of the night on August 22nd, 2013, trying to pass time because I couldn't sleep. Daddy was driving his truck and I was lying in bed trying to ignore the fact that you were trying to kick your way out of me. I never went in to labor with your sister so I wasn't sure I was really ready to go the hospital. I didn't want to be the Mom who goes in to only get sent back home again. So I waited and waited some more. But your Daddy had this sneaking suspicion I was going to have you that day and he advised me to call Mammaw and Nana to come help me. So I did just that. Mamma came before the sun and drove me to the hospital. Nana stayed at home with Cali so she could keep sleeping.
While driving in the car my mom could see I was having very close contractions. She was driving quickly but safely. She had a little smirk on her face, knowing her 8th grandchild was on the way. When we arrived to the hospital they got me set up in a room and a doctor rushed in to check how far along I was. Sure enough I was in labor and much farther along then I thought. Knowing I had to get a c-section, they gave me the good stuff quick and sent me on my way. In two short hours you were here! Just a couple days before that, my OBGYN told me you were going to be a BIG baby. When you came out you were only 6lbs! I asked them if they were sure you were my baby. But you were. You were all mine.
The next few weeks were the best! Daddy took off three weeks to stay home with the family. Cali was so excited to be a big sister. She wanted to help take care of you all the time. You were such a sweet baby. Quiet, cuddly and handsome. I've always said you were the easiest baby. I want you to know, while you were here with us you bought a light into our lives that we will never forget. Daddy, Cali and I all have different memories of you, but I promise you, they were all good. They all make us smile.
Although you haven't been here the last two and a half years, your presence is still with us. We have your pictures on our walls, and in our offices. We still tell everyone about you! Cali is never afraid to tell a new friend about her baby brother in Heaven. We started a non-profit organization in your name called, Camden's Run. We are raising money for SIDS research so no other family has to loose their baby.
You will be happy to know we have an amazing support system around us. We're being taken care of by our families, church family and close friends. Even though you have been gone for two years, people still send us encouraging letters in the mail or reach out to us just to see how we're doing. These people have made our sad story a little sweeter.
We also have some exciting news to share with you! You might get to be a big brother! Daddy and Mommy are hoping to adopt a baby. Mommy tired to have another baby naturally but it just wasn't in the books for her. But that's OK. Everyone's story is a little different. It's been an incredibly long road but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I truly believe adoption was a part of God's plan all along. Again, I don't know why any of this had to happen to get where we are but I'm happy and ready for this adventure. I don't think it will be easy but I think the rewards will be great! Something I realized while at our last adoption meeting is, God gave us this amazing gift to relate to the birth mom's and their grief. We can understand how it feels to loose a child. I hope we can bring some comfort to our future birth mom. We understand. We feel their pain. We want to help them heal.
With all this said, we wanted to let you know we are happy. Life is full of joy again. I don't want you to think because we don't shed tears as much, we don't think about you. We think about you all the time! But we smile now. We can look at your pictures and remember what joy you brought to our lives and still do. Your presence is still here and very strong. Thank you for being our son. We love you very much and I hope you have the best third birthday party in Heaven!

With Love,
Mommy

Keeping The Faith

Chad and I have had many questions in the past three years. They range from...

Should we paint Camden's room blue or green?
Should I work or stay home?
Should we cremate or bury Camden?
Do you think Cali needs play therapy?
What should we do with Camden's stuff?
Should we have more kids?
What if we can't get pregnant?
Why isn't IVF working?
Should we look into adoption?
Do we want to keep asking people for more money?
How will this effect Cali?


That is a small glimpse into our lives the past couple of years. Many of you reading this know our story so I don't feel like I need to go into great detail. Our journey to start a family has gone very differently than expected. It started out like many of you. We had a beautiful Daughter Cali. She stole our hearts. Shortly after, we got pregnant and had our second child, Camden. He equally stole our hearts but in a very different way. At 6 months old Camden died of SIDS. This is when our story starts to look different. After his death we went through a range of emotions. But both Chad and I came out feeling the same way. We felt our family was not complete.

Eager to have more kids we starting trying again but this time something wasn't right. We tried for nearly two years to get pregnant and were unsuccessful. We tired naturally and through IVF(In Vitro Fertilization). After four failed IVF cycles we decided to stop. It was taking a toll on my body, mind and spirit. I couldn't handle it anymore. Anyone who has gone through this can agree, it's not for the weak at heart. We stopped in April of 2016 and decided to look towards a future of a family of three. But it still didn't feel right. We couldn't understand why God wouldn't want us to have more children. We have so much love to share. An extra bedroom just waiting for a child and a loving family waiting to embrace them.

Through prayer and encouragement we felt God's call to adoption. We started the adoption process at Bethany Christian Services through their Domestic Adoption Program. We are both excited and scared. We knew this was going to cost a lot of money but we weren't aware it would be THAT much money. When it's all said and done it will cost $30,000. When we heard this number we started to doubt again. But God kept pushing us through. We're keeping the faith, through fundraising and support we will be able to raise enough money to bring a baby home. With all that being said, we started a Go Fund Me Page for our adoption.You can follow this link to our page.

https://www.gofundme.com/Hillardadoption

This page is set up for anyone who wants to donate to our adoption fund. We also plan to have several fundraising events through out the next year to help. Currently we are still in need of $20,000. It's a big number but we know our friends and family have even bigger hearts!

To clarify the money donated will go directly to our adoption fund. This money is used to pay Bethany Christian for their services, legal fees and processing important documents.

We thank you for being a part of this journey with us and we look forward to sharing good news with you in the future!

Love,
Chad, Julie and Cali Hillard

Two words that could change the world

So let me paint a picture for you. Probably a picture many of you have seen in your personal lives. It was a hot and humid Saturday afternoon. The kind of day where you want to stick you head in the freezer while drinking a slushy and watch Frozen. But unfortunately things had to be done, so there was no time for sticking my head in the freezer. Chad was working an extra Saturday to make money for the family so it was just me and the little one. I knew I had to go grocery shopping but I was dreading it. Between the heat outside, an over tired 5 year old and a mamma who could barely walk from her personal training session the day before, I knew this couldn’t end well. But it had to be done, so I put on my big girl pants and went grocery shopping.
We stopped at our usual place, Target. For the most part the shopping trip went better than expected. It wasn’t until the end of our Target experience that my blood started to boil and I was on edge. While walking out to the entire other end of the parking lot, I realized I forgot to pick up the pictures I had developed at the picture kiosk. So begrudgingly I turned around and marched back in to target to get my pictures. Hot and sweaty, I went to the front desk and got my pictures. Now we were ready to go home. Once again, we started the long journey to the car and it wasn’t until I opened the car door Cali says “where is your water bottle?” I said I wasn’t sure it was last in the car. She said “I took it into the store and now I don’t have it.” My blood pressure started to rise, knowing I had to walk back into target and find my brand new, expensive water bottle I got for my birthday. Oh yeah, remember I said I could barely walk. My legs were like Jello from a previous work out. With the sun beating down on me, Cali by my side, I growled at her and starting walking back into the store. I retraced my steps in the store to see if I could find it but I had no luck. I went to the front desk AGAIN and they hadn’t seen it either. Luckily while walking out to the car I found our cart and sure enough it was sitting inside it.
You would have thought I would have found some joy over finding my new beloved water bottle but I was too far gone. I was angry, tired, hot, sweaty (I hate to sweat), and mad Chad wasn’t there to help me. It was the perfect storm and when we got in the car I snapped. I yelled at Cali the way I always promised I wouldn’t. I could tell she was upset and scared after my blow up. The rest of the car ride home she was silent.
Through the silence I had time to think and I started to regret my actions. I knew this wasn’t her fault. I was just in a bad mood and I took it out on her. I gathered my composure and did something I never thought I would do.
“Cali, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was mad and irritated at the situation. But I know this was not your fault and you deserve to be talked to like a real person. I love you.”
“It’s ok Mommy, I love you too.”
Wow, what a humbling experience. I share that long story with you because as a parent I think it’s important to recognize when we actually owe our kids and apology. Kids can be so irritating at times, that’s for sure. But what do we expect? They are bound to forget things, loose things, say mean things and make bad choices but so do we. We just don’t have a grown adult watching us all the time, ready to catch us in the act. We owe it to our kids to treat them with respect and dignity so one day they will do the same for their children.
After this experience I realized how powerful the words “I’m sorry” truly are. When you say it with conviction and meaning it can completely change a negative situation. I continue to think about what kind of world we would live in if more people said “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.” I have a feeling there would be a lot less hate, less anger and less grudges. Relationships that were once broken could be restored. Countries could end century long wars. The church could become one again. And races would no longer be divided. The world could be at peace.
Doesn’t that sounds like a wonderful world to live in? And it all starts with saying “I’m sorry” to your spouse, children, parents, family members, friends and colleagues. Eventually this movement would grow bigger and the world could change.

Who do you need to say “I’m sorry” to today?

We are with you.

On Sunday Chad, Cali and I were taking time to remember Camden by attending a ceremony honoring him and many other babies who died all too soon. Camden has a plaque honoring the short life he lived at The Garden of Hope memorial in Intercourse. Each year they conduct a service for families and loved ones to come and remember their child or children through a balloon release and name reading.

This year the weather couldn't have been more beautiful. The sun was shinning, while a strong breeze blew through the open windows of the rustic barn where we gathered. The countryside was picturesque, with rolling hills and farmland for miles. While we sat and waited for the ceremony to begin, two young adult woman serenaded us with simple acoustic music. Tissues in hand, Chad by my side, I was ready to grieve the loss of Camden. But something odd happened. I began to cry but not about my own loss.

You see on the same day we were remembering Camden's life, 49 other people lost their lives to a senseless act of hate and terrorism. I was thinking about all the mother's and father's who were receiving phone calls from officials telling them their child was killed. Not they had died but they were killed by a gunman. I can remember the night Camden died like it was yesterday. I can replay it over and over again. It's something I will never forget. And it's something these parents will never forget. The only benefit I had, compared to these parents were, my son died from a "natural" cause. It cannot be explained but he died peacefully in his sleep. These parent's children were taken by gunpoint and killed by a hateful person. Their children were terrified before they died. They were helpless. These parents get to replay their child's death on TV 24 hours a day for the next couple of weeks, until the next big mass shooting happens. These parents get to watch their children's lives be used for a political agenda during an election year.

As you can see these parents have a lot to work through after losing their child to a hateful crime. Just like you did for Chad and I, I ask you give these families the respect and grace you bestowed upon us. Instead of engaging in a political debate over gun control or immigration, offer up your prayers for these families. Take extra time to talk with your loved ones about acceptance and tolerance. Talk about these tough issues with one another but not on Facebook for the world to see and for these parents to read. Remember the victims of this tragedy and turn off the news.

Sad things will continue to happen. It's inevitable. It's up to us, regular everyday people, to set the tone for how we will respond. Not the news, not Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton and certainly not social media. Log off and morn with these families the way you wish people would morn for you in the wake of a horrible tragedy. Be in the moment, understand the sadness and hurt the word is going through. It's more then a hashtag or a profile picture, it's 49 people's lives. It's 49 children who have died were killed.

Hi, My name is Julie Hillard and I suffer from anxiety.

It's been awhile.

The past year has been a year of emotionally exausting challenges that I had to work hard to over come. While I would like to say I conquered last year with grace and strength, I can't. I fell hard many times. And if it wasn't for my amazingly supportive husband, I'm not sure I would have made it out as well as I did.

I struggle with anxiety. It sounds so small when you say it like that. But anxiety is no small thing. It can consume your life and affect everyone close to you. Just ask Chad. And on a more personal level I struggled with health anxiety. When your son dies for no reason at all, it makes you scared of everything. For a while I had a fear anyone could die at any moment. Which is true but not rational. In the past year I was engrossed with negative thoughts about my health. A rapid heart beat I thought must be a heart attack. A small lump on my body....cancer. Head aches must mean a tumor. I spent more time in a doctors office then I'm proud to admit. Even a couple trips to the ER for panic attacks. At one point I was taking Cali's temperature several times a day just to make sure she wasn't getting sick. But somehow through all of this I was able to wake up the next day and act like everything was fine. It was like Chad and my little secret.

If your wondering why I'm sharing this to the world now, it's because the few people I did share my personal story with actually could relate to me. You wouldn't believe how many woman I've talked too who have a sick obsession with googling symptoms. I'm mean who hasn't, right? But seriously, googling your symptoms can be a very unhealthy habit and I learned that the hard way.

It wasn't till I had a heart to heart with my mom after one of my trips to the ER that I realized I had a problem and I needed help. With many hours of soul searching and talking with my therapist I came to the conclusion that I'm scared I would die and our family would become even smaller. I was afraid Cali would loose her mom and her little brother and how would that effect her? Our family has been through so much and is so small already. I couldn't imagine one of us dying too.

Those thoughts had been squandering my spirits for too long and I decided I was tired of it. At the end of December I committed to taking an anti-depressant medication regularly, doing positive self talk when old habits creep back and running every other day. These three simple changes have made a huge impact in my life. I've learned I'm a person who needs the help of medication to calm my thoughts for me to live my life. And I'm not ashamed to say that. There are people out there that will tell you all the ways to squash depression and anxiety naturally, like eating healthy, essential oils, praying more and trusting in God. While those are great practices to help, sometimes that's not enough for certain individuals...like me.

Hi, My name is Julie Hillard and I suffer for Anxiety.

I wish I would have been able to say that along time ago. I could have had more support this last year. There are no reasons why any of us suffering from depression and anxiety need to be ashamed or embarrassed. We need to talk about it more and support one another. That is why I'm sharing my story tonight. Someone needed to hear my story.

Thank you Chad for Loving me "In sickness and in health."