Moving towards freedom

If you're in hopes for a great political blog post from the title, I'm sorry to disappoint you. This has nothing to do with politics. It has everything to do with the personal freedom I have gained through releasing guilt, negativity and anger from my life. When I look back at who I was just a few short years ago, I cringe. I was so caught up in pleasing everyone around me that I made myself miserable in the process. I was constantly in a state of being uncomfortable because I was never truly being myself. It wasn't until February 25th, 2014 I was able to recognize this.
For those of you who have experienced a significant loss in your life, I'm sure can agree, it changes you. I can't tell you how but it changes you. It just does. I was so emotionally distraught the months after Camden's death I didn't have the energy or desire to pretend to be someone I was not. My heart agonized and I'm sure it showed. I could burst into tears in conversation, I got angry easily when I saw people having a good time and I felt alone in my mind. Looking back I was not alone, but in that moment I felt so alone, like Chad and I were on a deserted Island screaming for someone to come save us. But the reality was, no one could save us. It was something He and I had to work though personally and spiritually.
If you talked to Chad about his grief experience he may share his feeling of guilt that loomed over him for too long. He was a home when Camden died in his sleep, and he always questioned, what if I would had checked on him just a little bit sooner? Obviously everyone would tell him, this was not his fault. There was nothing he could have done to change the situation but that didn't make a difference to Chad. It was something he had to personally let go of before he could release that guilt.
For myself I struggled with internal anger. I was so mad at myself for being a hot mess when Camden was still alive. I struggled with postpartum depression after Camden's birth. I spent a lot of time crying and leaving the house when Chad got home from work. I was so mad I didn't enjoy being a mother while he was here. I felt like he had a horrible mom and he didn't deserve that. Again, those I confided in would adamantly denounce my feelings and reminded me of the great mother I was to Camden and still was to Cali. I tired my hardest to believe them but I knew I wouldn't until I believed myself.
I thank God everyday for the people in our lives who encouraged us to get counseling right after Camden's death. I'm not sure I would have found that necessary if it weren't for the push of good friends. Through grief counseling, spiritual guidance and faithful friends we both were able to release those nagging feelings we held onto.
I feel more myself now then I have ever in my entire life. I have accepted who I am and who God created me to be. I no longer struggle with pleasing everyone around me. I see myself as a good mom. I might not be the best mom but I know I'm a good mom. I no longer pretend to be someone I'm not. I used to wish I was quieter, and more introverted. But guess what...I"M NOT! I've tired to be quiet in social settings and I just feel like I'm going to explode! It's the curse of Dan Hock on me. I'm not a cuddly, romantic person...and I married someone who isn't either. It works for us!
I'm so happy I released those feelings and now I'm moving towards internal freedom. I feel happy. Really happy.

You never know what God will teach you through an awful situation.