Sharing is Daring

Oh man, I'll start off by saying this blog is going to be hard for me to write. I'm finding it hard to articulate the thoughts in my head so this could be interesting! This blog, like many of my blogs, was a manifestation of reoccurring conversations I've been having with many different people. I've been involved in several conversations over the past month about church (I know, a very broad topic). More specifically the role church plays in different people's lives. The beauty of the diversity God put within each of us is we all have different ideas on how church should fit into our lives or better yet why church should fit into our lives. These questions are answered differently by each individual person. For myself, church has become a place where I have formed close friendships and I have discovered a community of people who I want to walk life with. If I wouldn't be involved in a church I would have never had this opportunity. I personally struggle with a...

My heart has been heavy for too long. It's almost like my heart hasn't had a break for years. I feel much older than my actual age with the journey I have walked. Through it all, I feel like I lost a part of me that I will never get back. The beautiful part of my journey is gaining new friends who have walked similar paths as I have. The truth is the only people who can comfort you in your sorrows are the ones who understand. When your in the grief process the only people you want to talk to are the ones going through pain themselves. There is a special bond that no one else can understand unless you walked the path of infertility or trying to grow a family unsuccessfully. I think of it as a sisterhood really. Along with the grief you share with your own story, you take on your friends stories as well. You become their cheerleader, defender, shoulder to cry on and everything else in between. When they call and tell you they're pregnant you rejoice with them. When they cal...

Feeling. Do you ever wish you could just stop feeling? Do you ever wish your mind could shut off? Do you ever wish you could be in the presence of others with out having to speak? This is me. This is where i'm at. I'm emotionally exhausted and I have no energy to invest in conversations, texts or phone calls. If you have reached out to Chad or I in the past week and have not received a response, I'm sorry. Mostly I don't know what to say back. I wonder, if I respond will more questions follow? If I respond will I be obligated to get together with that person? If I respond how do I not sound like a jerk? Any wise person will tell you, everyone grieves differently. For me I shut down, I push away and I need space. The first night we were home I couldn't even sleep in bed with Chad because I felt claustrophobic. I needed time to think, process and be with my thoughts. Chad understood. I hate crying in front of people. I hate making people around me feel uncomfortable...

I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was feeling inspired by a sense of hope. I was noticing how far I had come since Camden's death. But now working through another loss, my doubts are stronger than ever. I'm clinging to these words I wrote and trying not to let go of my faith. It's ok to doubt... It's a part of my journey. First let me start off with a disclaimer. I’m neither a scholar, nor a spiritual leader and I’m not even that bright but I have a lot of experience when it comes to doubt. As your typical PK (Pastor’s Kid) I started my religious journey in the womb. My father was a pastor, my grandfather was an evangelist and three of my uncles worked in the ministry as well. When I was born I was already on the path for greatness…so I thought. I spend most of my life at church functions, hanging out with church friends or serving in the community with my church. My faith was solid or at least my church attendance was. I had a happy childhood with a lot of fond mem...

So here we are again. Three years later and we're once again grieving the lost of a child. Nothing can possibly prepare you for times like these. No amount of faith or support can take away the pain. I know we only spent three days with him, but we held him, loved him and we were prepared to bring him into our family. I know there is another side to the story which we cannot understand but I'm still furious, angry, bitter and downright mad. If you haven't moved through the adoption process it's hard to explain all the ins and outs of the journey. One thing that is constantly drilled into your brain is to be mindful of the birth mom and her journey. Don't get me wrong, I understand how hard it is to let go of a child and continue doing life but I think there should be more talk about also being mindful of adoptive parents journeys. I can't speak for all adoptive parents but the ones I've encountered all had very long journey's full of heart ache and di...