10 years

As I have been looking for a new job I've been trying really hard to think about the things I value in the work place and in life in general. I've been doing this because I find it important to understand who you are as a person when you go into an interview for a job. As I began making a list on a scrap piece of paper I realized my list seemed shallow and rather uncharacteristic of me. I had to dig down deep to figure out where these values were coming from.

It was a few weeks ago I realized this past June marked 10 years since I graduated high school. Whoa! It seemed like only yesterday I was picking out my prom dress and crossing my fingers a cute boy would ask me to be his date! That last sentence can give you a good idea of where my head was when I was in high school. My social life was thriving but my academics were failing. I have this bizarre feeling when I think about my high school experience. It's a mixture of good and bad.

Some of my highlights were intertwined with youth group, marching band, soccer & my friendships. Late night sleep overs, first kisses, making movies, singing on worship team, retreats, campfires, missions trips, band bus rides and crushes are some memories that can make me smile.

When I think about all the sour memories, each and every one revolved around academics. I remember having to take the basic classes with the "bad kids" and take my word for it. Not much learning occurred in these classes. I remember crying while taking the PSSA's because I could not understand one question on the test. Then I remember crying again because they made me retake them after I did poorly on the first test. I remember being forced to take a reading comprehension class in 11th grade. They were trying a new initiative to have peer buddies and it just so happen these buddies were some of my best friends from marching band who were in the "smart" classes. Talk about embarrassing. I remember sitting in class not paying attention thinking "why can't I concentrate, why can't I understand what i'm being taught, what is wrong with me?" I remember asking my guidance counselor if I could try taking a college prep course and she said I shouldn't waste my time because college wasn't in my future. Then she proceeded to encourage me to find a trade and go to vo-tech.

Somewhere during those four years I decided to live up to what my school had been telling me. I gave up, I stop trying and I decided I would go to vo-tech for culinary arts. I should have a disclaimer. A lot of very intelligent students decide they want to go to vo-tech for all the right reasons. But in my case it was away out for me. But I should mention I do love to cook and I learned a lot from my one year there and I made some great friendships! But the road that got me to vo-tech was not a positive one. Somewhere along my high school career my school decided for me who I would become and where I would end up. And as a teenager I listened to them. I let them lead me and advise me in a directions I wasn't happy with. But did I have any other option?

If it weren't for my parent's and other positive adults in my life I don't know where I would have ended up. I'm grateful I didn't have parents who valued a letter grade because they would have been greatly disappointed. I can vividly remember coming home with a report card that had a 1 A, in art of course, 2 c's, and a D in math...of course. My dad looked it over and said "lets go out and celebrate." I was so confused. He said all my teacher's said very nice things about me and I was working hard. This is a reason to celebrate! That has stuck with me all these years. And now as a parent I hope I will teach this to Cali.

After graduating, I went straight into the work force. I started working for the Lancaster-Lebanon IU 13 working with students with mental, physical and learning disabilities. This was such a humbling experience. Not only could I share my experiences with them but they taught me that having a disability doesn't have to define you. They motivated me so much I decided I was going to go to college! At the age of 23 I enrolled at Penn State York and was accepted! I remember coming home and my parents got me a dozen roses to celebrate. I was so excited. Before I entered college they wanted to do some testing on me to see how they could best help my learning style (Who knew such things existed). It were these set of tests that determined I suffered from test anxiety and attention deficit disorder. It all made sense to me. I was able to get extra time for tests and they would place me in a quiet room. I was amazed! I was no longer anxious about those who were finishing before me or how long I was taking. These changes help me have more confidence in myself and in my ability to learn. I ended up graduating in the Adult Honor Society with an associates degree in Liberal Arts.

Even after that feel good story, I still struggle with feeling inadequate to my peers. Since I have graduated I can't stop thinking I need to get my bachelors degree to make it really count. If I want a good job I have to go back to school. Going to school makes you more valuable and a better person. If I want to make more money I need to go back to school. Unfortunately some of this is true when it comes to the work force but it doesn't have to be true in my personal life.

With out a bachelors degree I am a people person who loves life. I can make conversation easily with strangers and I've been told I make people feel comfortable. I think I'm funny, but you may feel differently. I'm great at working on teams and learning quickly. I care about peoples needs and I love to help. These things ARE valuable regardless of our education or job. I can be a good person, valuable to society without a degree. This is what I value. This is what I plan to teach my children. If Cali wants to go to college, great! If Cali wants to go to vo-tech for cosmetology, awesome! If Cali wants to go into missions, sweet.... as long as it's in Lancaster :) I want her to do what ever makes her feel happy and confident. And I'm going to work hard at making sure she knows this even while working through the public school system.

I have so much to offer the world. I have so much to give. Hey being a people person might not pay great but I'm sure God will make me feel rich in other ways!

Inside out

A few weeks ago, as a family, we went to see the new Pixar movie "Inside out." It's not often that I sit through a kids film and come out feeling a deeper meaning for life but this one had an amazing message to share. The main part of the movie was about a young girl working through her many feelings including, Disgust, Anger, Fear, Joy and Sadness. I won't give away too much of the movie but in the end its discovered that this little girl was not able to find complete Joy and happiness without experiencing some kind of sadness. As the ending replayed in my head over and over again, its message clicked for me.

So often we wish for everything to be pain free to avoid the feelings that come along with misery and sorrow. It's human nature to not want to feel pain. I know from personal experience that when pain is at it's worst, it's unbearable, almost hard to breath. Losing a loved one is a pain that never heals it only get more bearable. Thinking about going through that pain again sounds terrifying and daunting. But one thing I do know, if it weren't for my past heartache I wouldn't understand what true joy feels like. Laughter, love and happiness wouldn't feel the same to me as it does now if I wouldn't have lost Camden.

Camden keeps playing a huge role in my life even though he is gone. His life has taught me so much. He has helped me to become a more loving person, a more real person and a better mother. He has helped me understand life is much bigger then money and material things. His life has showed me that it's ok to feel. It's ok to feel angry, depressed, confused, happy and even sad. All of those feelings are a part of life.

I know this concept has been around for quite some time now but I find it ironic that a simple Kid's movie could help me understand joy and sadness better. Sometimes all we need is a child like faith to understand that life isn't always perfect, in fact sometimes is simply sucks, but there can still be the joy. And when the joy is there...it's so good! Remember the joy, feel the joy and soak in the joy but appreciate the sadness too, because it's equally as important.

Singing, feeling, living

It's been just over a year since Camden died and where most parts of my life feel fairly normal and put back together, my spiritual life is a different story. I still struggle having conversations with God. At times I feel like i'm giving him the silent treatment. I don't know what to say and it's hard for me to be thankful. Over the years I have discovered when it's hard for me to talk to God I can sing instead.

Worship in the form of music has played and integral part in my spiritual life. At one time I served on the youth worship team as a vocalist and when I graduated I joined our churches adult worship team. At our last church I took a break from worship to focus on youth ministry. It has been over four years since I have sang and today I had the opportunity to sing with our new churches worship team. I had forgotten how special that was to me. I finally felt like I was talking to God. My prayers were heard through song.

While at a youth conference in December I remember having an emotional experience during one of the worship services. I had my eyes closed and I raised my hands to God while singing. After the service had concluded a good friend came up to me and remarked on how surprised he was to see me praising God so openly during such a dark time. I chuckled a little and explained that raising my hands during worship isn't a sign that I have it all together and that God is in my presence but rather a cry to God asking him to be near me, a desperate plea for me to feel him. And although I don't always feel him I know he hears my song.

My life has been messy these past few months and I won't go into great detail but I will say God knew what I needed and he provided that for me. He knew I needed a place to sing and place to find refuge and to feel safe. And I can say with confidence I have found that. And for that I'm thankful.

You know yourself best

The past few months have been an emotional roller coaster. My body had seemed to fail me and I had no idea what was going on. Since September 2014 I have been dealing with numerous digestive system issues. I won't go into great detail but lets just say I've never experienced so much pain in my life before. I wasn't able to eat a normal meal for the past three months and I was losing weight. I couldn't really complain about losing weight but I knew it wasn't because I was trying. I went from my family doctor to the GI doctor to the OBGYN and the ER more times then I would like to admit. I even had a laparoscopic surgery in January to take a look around to see if they could find anything abnormal. But nothing was found. I was so desperate to find an answer.

I ended up at the GI doctor again following my surgery and they determined I had IBS (irritable bowl syndrome.) Basically the easy way to say we don't know whats going on...here is some medicine. By this point I was literally going insane. I was starting to have panic attacks and becoming very anxious. I truly believed I was going to be like this forever and I started to slip into a state of depression. I felt like a horrible mother, wife, employer and friend. I was not fun to be around. Through all of this I began having serve acid reflux. I couldn't stop burping and I had a constant taste of acid in the back of my throat. Between my family doctor, GI doctor and the emergency room I was give at least 5 different prescription strength acid reflux medicines over one month. NOT ONE WORKED.

By this point I had given up. I went out to lunch with my dad and ordered some baked oatmeal. When it came out I couldn't eat it. I could not put it in my mouth because I felt so sick to my stomach. I knew I hadn't ate anything all day and I should try to eat. I began to cry, right there in the restaurant. My dad knew I was miserable. When we went back to the house I started venting to my mom about everything. She asked if the doctors had checked my gallbladder. I never even thought about my gallbladder. She told me about a friend who experienced the same thing and after it was all said and done she had her gallbladder removed and immediately felt relief. I email my friend and she advised me to get a HIDA scan done. This is the only scan that can show you if your gallbladder is functioning correctly. A ultrasound can show if you have gallstones but a HIDA scan shows the function of your gallbladder.

As soon as Monday rolled around I called right away and requested the scan. My GI doctor didn't think it was necessary but I firmly requested for it. They complied. Well guess what? The HIDA scan showed my gallbladder was barely functioning. The GI doctor couldn't get me in for two weeks to even discuss my scan. Meaning nothing was going to get done for a few more weeks. The day after my scan I started getting sharp pain in my stomach and threw up my lunch. I knew I couldn't wait two weeks to see the doctor. Chad and I went to the ER together hoping they would take care of it that night.

When we got to the ER they decided to admit me to the hospital and the next day at 1 in the afternoon I had my gallbladder removed. My stomach hurts from the surgery but I can already tell you all my symptoms are gone! I have been eating again and feeling like myself. I can't tell you how relieved I am to know this is behind me and I can move on with my life. I know it sounds so dramatic but I feel like a new person!

I learned from my friend who experienced the same thing that you really do need to be your own advocate. Doctors have so many patients, it's hard for them to give each person the one on one attention they may need. I knew this wasn't just acid reflux, or IBS. I had to keep calling the doctors and being persistent to get anything done. And although it was an emotional few months I'm glad I kept pushing. At one point I thought this was all in my head and I was making myself sick. But I'm happy to announce I wasn't going crazy!

Thank you to everyone who continued to pray for me over the past few months. I felt so loved and cared for even when I couldn't give the same back. I keep being amazed by all the support we have during the hard times.

100% chance of a thunderstorm

So I hope this blog makes sense and provides you with you some idea of whats going through my head these days. It's been a while since I've taken time to sit down and write out my thoughts. One, because I started a new job, which consumes a lot of my time. Two, my thoughts and my feelings have been all over the place and I haven't been able to truly work through them yet. And third, I'm not really sure if I'm totally qualified in writing about the grieving process because I'm still so much in the mist of it all.

I think there are people who see Chad and I and they believe we're on the other end of this grief process. I even fooled myself into believing that a few months ago. There was a split second when things felt normal, life felt exciting and changes were on the horizon. But in no time at all things were gloomy again. Bad news from the doctors, feeling distant from God and the church & feeling trapped in a vicious cycle of depression and anxiety have played a huge role in my current state of gloom. But among all this, I'm trying so hard to find peace. I talk with God daily even though I can't feel his presence in my life right now. I drink my herbal tea in the morning while my fancy new oil diffuser blows in my face, having a shred of hope that it will magically make me feel better. I've started exercising and putting spinach in everything I eat because that's what doctor OZ tells me to do.

Regardless of everything I try, I still feel the same. I feel like there is no hope to feel different. That this is where I will always be and there is no way out.

I don't understand, and I never will understand why Chad and I have been dealt these cards but I do know this can't be the end for us. We can't always be the parents who lost their 6 month old son to SIDS. There has to be more to our story. There has to be a hopeful future for us. I can't imagine God allowing this to happen to us and no using it for good. I just need to see the good. I'm desperate to see the good. I don't want to wait 20 years to see the good. I need to know there is a plan and that I will overcome this unimaginable loss. I want to see the sun shine after the storm.

If you know me, you know I hate storms. They terrify me. The minute the sky turns gray I'm glued to the TV waiting to see when it will be over. Well I'm glued to the TV waiting to see when this storm will be over and when the sun will come out again.


We miss you so much Camden.
Our lives feel so incomplete.

New Endeavors

So we have many changes on our horizon and this blog seems like the best way to communicate those with all the people we love. Well first off I'm happy to announce I have found a job that I'm very excited about. I will begin working for Conestoga Valley School District part time working with students who need extra help in math and reading. I'm so excited to be working directly in the community where we live. I have been searching for a way to be a light in my community and this seems like an answer to my prayers. This will be a big change for both Cali and I so we would appreciate your prayers. I will be away from Cali more than she has been used to in the past, but I'm happy she will be in good hands. I have two family friends who will be watching her.

Since this job is only available during the school year I have decided to take a chance and finally start my own cleaning and organizational business over the summer. Those of you who know me, know that I have a secret obsession with color coordination and label makers. I have cleaned and organized many of my friends and families homes over the past few years. This is a shameless plug but if you're thinking about cleaning out your garage, attic, basement or closets, or getting ready to move and you have know idea where to start, I'm your gal! If you have a family member who needs help de-cluttering their homes, I would love to help! Chad and I are in the beginning stages of becoming an official small business. In March we will start setting up a schedule for summer work. Keep me in mind and tell you're friends. Our business will be called "Happy Homes cleaning and Organizational Solutions."

I'm really looking forward to these new endeavors! I finally feel like things are looking up and I'm excited to see where these jobs will lead our family.

New Year, New Challenges

Well the new year is upon us and to be honest I have mix feelings. As many people would expect, I'm more then happy to start a new year. Leaving behind the sour taste 2014 left in my mouth. But at the same time I'm fearing what a new year means.

I currently have a scripted line I like to say to people when I'm asked how many children I have. It usually goes something like this...

"I have two kids. My daughter Cali is almost four and my son Camden is no longer with us. He died in February at 6 months old." The usual response to this is "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. That was only a few months ago." Now that 2015 is here, it's no longer "He died in February." It's now "He died last year." This probably sounds like an insignificant change to most of you but to me it's a momentous change that has serious implications. This now means Camden's death is getting further and further away. To new people in our lives, this will be only something of our past. It will seem more and more insignificant to people who don't know our story. And the real scary part is in 2016 it will be "He died two years ago." And in 2020 it will be "He died 6 years ago" and so on.

All of 2014 we were able to reminisce about how the previous year Camden was with us. This Christmas we could remember and smile about our memories with Camden last Christmas. But next year we won't be able to do that. His memories are getting further away and more foggy. Chad and I both cry often because we feel us forgetting him. We can't remember life with him. And that scares us down to the core. How can someone so important to us be that easy to forget?

Life really does go on, whether you want it to or not. Over the past year people have seemed amazed by our resilience after Camden's death. People have referred to us a strong and inspirational. The funny thing is, when we hear this all we want to do is laugh. People see as strong because we have picked up our lives and pushed through, even though the odds were against us. But the truth is, we are only "strong" because that was the only choice we had.

We had to get up every morning to take care of our other child. We had to smile and make the best of Christmas because Cali deserved it. We needed to get up and work to pay the bills. We kept moving forward because we had no other choice. Time keeps on moving and so must we. Our strength looks so mighty on the outside but inside we feel very weak.

Each month I get another negative pregnancy test, I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I want to yell and scream at every happy pregnant lady I see. I want to scrap the whole Facebook thing so I don't have to see another pregnancy announcement...Weak.

Every time Cali asks me why everyone else has a brother or sister and she doesn't I get so mad that I don't have an answer for her. When she keeps asking when will her friends brothers die because that's what happened to hers I feel so sad that she doesn't understand... Weak.

Chad has felt he has been good at putting on a happy face while at church and at work and not really expressing his true feelings...This has made him feel weak.

Every time someone says "just have faith in God, he has a plan for your life"...We want to believe them but we're not sure we do...Weak.

We feel so weak and so scared, all the time but somehow we keep trucking along. Just like time. Some would attribute that to God.

"Bad times have a scientific value. These are occasions a good learner would not miss."

Ralph Waldo Emerson