100% chance of a thunderstorm

So I hope this blog makes sense and provides you with you some idea of whats going through my head these days. It's been a while since I've taken time to sit down and write out my thoughts. One, because I started a new job, which consumes a lot of my time. Two, my thoughts and my feelings have been all over the place and I haven't been able to truly work through them yet. And third, I'm not really sure if I'm totally qualified in writing about the grieving process because I'm still so much in the mist of it all.

I think there are people who see Chad and I and they believe we're on the other end of this grief process. I even fooled myself into believing that a few months ago. There was a split second when things felt normal, life felt exciting and changes were on the horizon. But in no time at all things were gloomy again. Bad news from the doctors, feeling distant from God and the church & feeling trapped in a vicious cycle of depression and anxiety have played a huge role in my current state of gloom. But among all this, I'm trying so hard to find peace. I talk with God daily even though I can't feel his presence in my life right now. I drink my herbal tea in the morning while my fancy new oil diffuser blows in my face, having a shred of hope that it will magically make me feel better. I've started exercising and putting spinach in everything I eat because that's what doctor OZ tells me to do.

Regardless of everything I try, I still feel the same. I feel like there is no hope to feel different. That this is where I will always be and there is no way out.

I don't understand, and I never will understand why Chad and I have been dealt these cards but I do know this can't be the end for us. We can't always be the parents who lost their 6 month old son to SIDS. There has to be more to our story. There has to be a hopeful future for us. I can't imagine God allowing this to happen to us and no using it for good. I just need to see the good. I'm desperate to see the good. I don't want to wait 20 years to see the good. I need to know there is a plan and that I will overcome this unimaginable loss. I want to see the sun shine after the storm.

If you know me, you know I hate storms. They terrify me. The minute the sky turns gray I'm glued to the TV waiting to see when it will be over. Well I'm glued to the TV waiting to see when this storm will be over and when the sun will come out again.


We miss you so much Camden.
Our lives feel so incomplete.