Singing, feeling, living

It's been just over a year since Camden died and where most parts of my life feel fairly normal and put back together, my spiritual life is a different story. I still struggle having conversations with God. At times I feel like i'm giving him the silent treatment. I don't know what to say and it's hard for me to be thankful. Over the years I have discovered when it's hard for me to talk to God I can sing instead.

Worship in the form of music has played and integral part in my spiritual life. At one time I served on the youth worship team as a vocalist and when I graduated I joined our churches adult worship team. At our last church I took a break from worship to focus on youth ministry. It has been over four years since I have sang and today I had the opportunity to sing with our new churches worship team. I had forgotten how special that was to me. I finally felt like I was talking to God. My prayers were heard through song.

While at a youth conference in December I remember having an emotional experience during one of the worship services. I had my eyes closed and I raised my hands to God while singing. After the service had concluded a good friend came up to me and remarked on how surprised he was to see me praising God so openly during such a dark time. I chuckled a little and explained that raising my hands during worship isn't a sign that I have it all together and that God is in my presence but rather a cry to God asking him to be near me, a desperate plea for me to feel him. And although I don't always feel him I know he hears my song.

My life has been messy these past few months and I won't go into great detail but I will say God knew what I needed and he provided that for me. He knew I needed a place to sing and place to find refuge and to feel safe. And I can say with confidence I have found that. And for that I'm thankful.