Self-discovery is a tireless journey of intricately piecing yourself together to figure out who you are, how you work and what makes you tick. And we all pray at the end their will be a beautiful picture formed and completed. The reality is, that probably will never happen. Truthfully a human will never be complete. We are flawed. We should be working hard to learn new things, challenging ourselves and improving the broken person we are. We're always going to be missing a piece...well lets be real, a few pieces. A helpful reminder that we are not perfect and will never be perfect so lets stop trying.
Something I recently discovered about myself is a fear of failing. I would have never proclaimed myself as a perfectionist is the past but I hold some characteristics of one. As many of you know, my educational journey was lack luster and a bit demoralizing. I was used to failing in the literal terms. School was as place where I was labeled, put into a box and stuck for many years.
I was an extroverted, social butterfly who's gifts remained out of the classroom and more in social settings. By the time I graduated, I knew what I was good at and what I wasn't. Some may think that is a good thing but over the years I have noticed where this has hindered me as an adult.
There is great danger is labeling a child. Children are looking to please the adults in their lives. So if the people they find most safety in (parents, teachers, youth leaders) continuously say you are good at something, you quickly become pigeonholed. Especially when you don't have another great skill or talent to fall back on.
Let me explain. I was not a stellar athlete. I had a subpar singing voice. My artistic ability was average. And I certainly was not an overachiever in the classroom. BUT I knew I was good with people. I knew people liked me. It gave me confidence in social dynamics I knew others didn't have. When it was time to graduate and think about next steps, I had very little options in my mind because social skills only took you so far. Most of my adult years I have struggled to settle into a job because I have a fear of failing. There aren't many jobs out there where you get to socialize with people all day. Many jobs involve smart people, who solve difficult problems and innovate new ideas. Somethings I've never been told I was good at. I have pigeonholed myself into believing I can't be anything but a great friend. I have believed challenging work is too hard and I will fail at it so why try? I only received "F's" on my work in high school, how will it be different in a workplace?
Being subpar is easier than being a failure and a disappointment to those around me. I think that has been my moto for past 20 years. Kind of sad, but also true.
But there is light to shed on this somewhat depressing discovery. In the past five years I have discovered I am an excellent organizer both in homes and of events. Two things that bring me great joy! I am fantastic at multi-tasking, getting things done and flying by the seat of my pants when things don't go as planned. I will always be a bad speller, awful with grammar and even worse at math BUT now I see there are other things I am good at. Skills that other people don't have. It took me years to discover them. I went through many jobs, good bosses, bad bosses and A LOT of tears to get here but I'm here now, what am I going to do with it?
Stay tuned <3
If only 7th grade me knew how great she would be!
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