Challenge accepted

I just finished watching "Fault in our Stars", which is a movie about two sick teenagers who fall in love at the most inopportune time. Both were nearing the end of their fight against cancer. Where as some people may have watched this movie and thought it ended so sadly, I would have said it ended beautifully. Now I would hate to ruin this movie for those of you who have not seen it so if you plan to see it anytime soon please stop reading this blog now. You can only imagine where a love story about two sick cancer patients will go so I hope it won't be too much of a surprise when I say..someone dies. Yes death is sad and unbearable at times but the reason I found this movie to be so fascinating was over the simple fact that they both talked about death so freely. They understood their outcomes and although it looked bleek, they were able to find love in the mist of all the heartache. They laughed, they cried, they showed affection towards one another, they lived life. Why? Not because they were dying but because they were living. Everyday they woke up, they breathed another breath and lived life together because they could. Because their bodies functioned one more day. As I watched this movie I had some bizarre emotions. I felt...envy and jealously.

Let me explain. One evening on a cold February night Chad found our son, who we thought to be a healthy thriving infant, lifeless in his crib. There was nothing leading up to his unexpected death. We had no warnings, or signs pointing us in this direction. This is where the envy kicks in. Looking back over those few short months he was actually with us, I wish I had a timeline. I would have done things so differently. I would have soaked up every last minute I had with him, not because I knew he was going to die but because he was living one more day with me. I wish I understood the power of one more day when he was here. I got to spend 188 days with Camden and what an incredible gift that was but I can't help but think about what I could have done differently. How I could have been a better mom. How I could have held him more.

But we all know life doesn't grant us the luxury of our death dates. It's our responsibility to live the one life we've been handed. To wake up each day and to be reminded of the simple gift of taking another breath, living another day. Why does it take losing a loved one for us to understand how precious life really is? Don't wait till someone dear to you dies to say you're going to live each day like there was no tomorrow. Start today. Don't do it because you're dying, do it because you have the chance to live, now.

Watching the couple in the movie inspired me to talk about death more freely. To not be scared of dying but to be excited to live. To tell those closes to me what I would say at their eulogy... while their still alive.

I don't want this blog to fool you. Losing someone close to you hurts. It sucks. Frankly, it's the worse pain you will ever feel, regardless of preparation or not. Loss is loss. I've over heard people referring to losing a child as the "ultimate" loss. I would have to disagree. Every loss hurts whether is a child, sibling, parent or friend. But think about how different you would feel after losing a loved one if you knew you spent each day with them like it was their last. You told them you loved them more then you would like to admit. You hugged them every chance you got. You laughed together, you cried together...you lived together because that is what life is all about. Being together. Caring for one another.The next time you turn down spending time with someone you love because you have more work to finish or the wash needs done or it's simply too much work to put on real clothes and go somewhere...I challenge you to reconsider. You got to live one more day...how are you going to spend it?

I'll leave you with this. My dad who has been a pastor for many years and who has held hands with someone taking their last breath always said he never met a person dying wishing they had spent more time working or more time cleaning their house. They always said they wished the would have spent more time with the the ones they loved.

This particular picture was taken one day while I was trying to work from home but Camden wanted to be held ALLLL day. Not a lot of work got done that day...but boy am I so glad I decided to hold him.

Organic vs. Non-organic

So I will be upfront before you read through this whole blog. This blog has nothing to do with my grieving process or my future. This blog is an account over the past year of Chad and myself venturing onto the organic band wagon. This week marks one year since Chad and I decided to eat as locally, organically and naturally as possible. We also vowed to shop and eat only at local businesses as much as we could for exactly one year. I thought it would be interesting to write out my thoughts about what I discovered over the past year from changing our eating and shopping habits.

This whole journey started after I had a random allergic reaction all over my face and neck. After going to the doctor and using some steroids the reaction subsided and my face was back to normal. Although we never figured out where the allergic reaction stemmed from my doctor advised me to start using hypo allergenic face products. I found this a perfect opportunity to start using some more natural products with minimal chemicals. I thought if I was going to try that, I might as well go all the way so Chad and I decided for one year we would try to live as "chemical free" as we possibly could. Obviously we were not able to be 100% sucsessful over the past year. I did a ton of research online and talk to family and friends about their experiences living off the land and only eating organically and I realized it would be nearly impossible to avoid all processed foods or using products with chemicals in it. But we tried our best. And here is what we discovered.

First I will share with you some tips that I found helpful when starting to shop locally and organically.

1) Shop seasonally- I know this sounds obvious but this is key when trying to eat only local fresh veggies and fruits. Our main stream grocery stores make almost all fruits and veggies available to us all year around. Although you can find organic fresh strawberries in the grocery store in December, those strawberries still had to travel across the United States to get into your fridge. My advice, learn to can and freeze you favorite seasonal produce so you can enjoy it during the winter months. Sweet corn and Strawberries are a must in our household. Here is a cookbook I found that does a great job at helping me cook seasonally.http://www.thriftbooks.com/w/simply-in-season-world-community-cookbook_mary-beth-lind_cathleen-hockman-wert/330489/?isbn=0836192966&mkwid=rpKASDk2|dc&pcrid=56924489232&gclid=CjwKEAiAqMajBRCdjejki6yjuDwSJACQeVukt2f_iNMIro7H44hu5z_WeCSyncqK2GhROmwn68ge0xoCycnw_wcB

2) Learn about the dirty dozen- Chad was skeptical about the idea of eating organically, as are many people. He wondered if it was really worth the cost. After learning about the dirty dozen, a list of fruits and vegetables that you should ALWAYS buy organic, it helped him see that you don't have to buy everything organic. Here is the list of the dirty dozen and a list of produce you don't need to buy organically because the part of the fruit and veggies you would eat is covered by a peel or skin. http://www.organic.org/articles/showarticle/article-214

3) Don't be fooled by Central Market (for my Lancaster County People)- I shop at Central Market every Friday morning to get some fresh produce and meat. There are some great local options at Central Market for shopping organically but they're are also some produce stands that sell the very same fruit and veggies you would get at the grocery store. They just lay it out in such a way to make it look like it's right off the farm. FYI- Oranges, Pineapples and avocados are not native to Lancaster County, whether they come from Central Market or not.

4) Processed food will always be processed food- This was something I had to learn. I thought if I bought the box of certified organic Mac and Cheese it was somehow better for me then boxed Kraft Mac and Cheese. But reality is, both are highly processed and not as good for you as making your own. I found out making home made stove top mac and cheese is quite simple and delicious!

5) Make a menu- Every two weeks I create a menu so I know what I will be making on what days. By doing this I can shop according to what I'm making that week. Because organic food is not sprayed with chemicals to keep them fresh longer, organic food goes bad quickly. Meaning when you purchase organic food you need to be prepared to use it soon after you bring it home. Creating a menu can help you be less wasteful.

Now that I have shared with you some simple tips on how to start shopping locally and organically I thought I would share with you some of my favorite and NOT so favorite products and places to go.

Hair and Beauty Products:

Since this is the culprit of why I started this journey, I found it very important to find quality skin care items to use not only on myself but my children. I'm not going to lie, I never found an all natural shampoo or conditioner that worked well on my hair. I tried some shampoo bars, JASON products, Burts Bee's and I every tried making my own. Unforunatly they made my hair knotty and unmanagable. So a year later I continue to use regular drug store shampoo and conditioner.

BUT I did have some sucsess in other departments. I found a fantastic organic body butter that does an amazing job at keeping me moisturized, even during the winter months. This website has a great selections of organic products that smell great and actually work! http://www.chagrinvalleysoapandsalve.com/

I also fell in love with coconut oil. You can use that stuff for almost anything! Face moisturizer, make-up remover, cooking and a hair mask. It's an absolute must in our household. Coconut oil is becoming very mainstream and you can find it at all local grocery stores.

Cleaning and household products:

Two things I've discovered that I loved were vinegar and ECO nuts. If you didn't know, Vinegar can clean almost anything. Although your house smells like salt and vinegar french fries for a few hours it's a great option for a safe and all natural cleaning solution. Eco nuts are also a fantastic alternative for doing your wash, rather then using laundry detergent. I've never got into making my own so I really appreciate ECO nuts. Check them out! http://econutssoap.com/

Organic and local produce and meat:

I must say, we're very LUCKY to live in such a place as Lancaster. The majority of the year we are provided with fresh, organic produce on almost every street corner. We have farmers markets going on all year in every corner of Lancaster County that sells all kinds of hand made foods. I found it very easy to find locally and organically grown meat, fruits and vegetables. Some of my favorite places to go were Oasis of Bird-in-hand, Kauffman's Fruit Farm, Central Market and Harvest Lane Farmer's Market in Litiz. I tried to do 75% of my grocery shopping there and then finish up at Giant Grocery Store.

Resturants and Local Stores:

Along with changing what we brought home to eat we tried to changed where we ate when we went out. When Chad and I went on a date night we always tried to eat at a local resturant. Some of our favorite places were. Characters Pub, Aussie & the Fox, Gracie's on Main and the Lancaster Coffee Company.

For clothing we always tried to stop at The Growing Place Consignment Shop or Next to New Consignment Shop. If We needed a specific article of clothing we would check out these stores first and then if we couldn't find what we needed we would shop at a chain store.

Conclusion: I'm not a professional. I still eat processed food. I still eat at Chick fil a and Chipotle on occasion. I LOVE target. But I feel i'm more informed about what is good for me and where I can find good local produce and products. Chad and I have decided we will continue to support local business as much as we can and try our hardest to keep chemicals out of our food and house. We have seen a signigicant change in our grocery bill but we know that is the price you will pay to keep your family owned stores going strong. I hope my information has been helpful to you and you can find some things that will work for your family. Remember...Shop Local, Shop Small.

The Beauty of the Unknown

Well, today I concluded my time at Speedwell Heights Brethren in Christ Church as their youth director. It truly was a bittersweet occasion. Although I felt a sense of relief knowing I will take some time off to focus on our family and spend time healing together, I really felt like I was leaving a part of me behind. I started working at Speedwell when I was 23 years old and now I'm 27. I've grown up in so many ways while working there and I believe a part of me will always remember my time at Speedwell as a significant part of my life. While working for the church Chad and I moved to a new home, got pregnant with Camden, had Camden and lost Camden. Like I said this morning to the congregation, I have been amazed at the love and support we received during the past few years. I have felt incredibly blessed to work for a place that grieved alongside with us and put no pressure on us to move on or get back to work by a certain time. I know many employers wouldn't show this kind of grace to their employees. I can now see why God called us to Speedwell. It was not only to work with their awesome teenagers but also to have a faith base support system to get us through the past year. For that we're eternally grateful.

As we look towards the future I can honestly say we have no idea where God will take us. I have no job to move into. We have no idea if anymore kids are in our future. We don't know where we will go to church. As a planner and control freak, these statements sound a bit scary but I also see the beauty of the unknown. This will be a time in my life where I need to fully trust in God for the next steps in life. Sadly, this isn't something i'm familiar with. I've been known to plan my future and tell God about it later. But not this time. I will let prayer and faith guide me. To be honest I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders knowing I don't have to make these decisions alone. And to me that is a beautiful thing.

Peace is surrounding me right as I wait to see where I will go and what I will do. I'll keep you posted :)

As of late

It's been awhile since I've blogged so tonight I thought I would give a quick update on Chad, myself and Cali. As we're gearing up for the Holiday season, we as a family are preparing ourselves for what might be an emotional few months. We have been warned by other bereaving parents that the first Christmas after losing a child can be an emotional roller coaster all over again. I guess the nice part is, Chad and I are aware and ready to face the next two months.

The autumn months have been a time of frustration for our family. A constant looming rain cloud seemed to follow me everywhere I go. I continue to look for part time employment in anticipation of stepping down from my youth ministry position in the next week. Chad and I hope to expand our family and we're dealing with all the pain and anxiousness that goes along with that. Cali has mastered how to make Mommy constantly worried about her and her health all the time. My immediate family continues to support my parents as they navigate the next stage in life. Needless to say there has been a lot going on...or shall I say a lot of stressing and a lot not happening.

With all that being said, our counselor has helped us find some good in between all the bad. She has put so much into perspective for both Chad and I.

1) Not only were we granted the incredible gift of being able to have children again, our insurance company randomly covered the whole surgical procedure. We were anticipating a $10,000 medical bill.

2) I was able to work at a place that completely supported my family during the most difficult time in our lives. They also gave me as much time as I need off and welcomed us back with open arms. And they now have been so understanding of my decision to step down.

3) Chad and I have been able to grow together as a couple during a very dark time. We know how rare this can be.

4) Cali has done an amazing job at coping with the loss of her brother and she continues to impress me with her "maturity" in understanding what has happened.

5) I have grown up spiritually and emotionally. My thoughts go deeper then they have ever before. God's presence in my life is evident, and it's not through physical blessings that I see him but rather Him revealing himself to me through these times of distress. I know he's there, I know he's listening, I know he cares, I know he loves me.

So that's where we are for now. We're digging out the "positive" in what seems to be a black hole of "negative." It seems to be the only thing that keeps us going.

We know many of you continue to pray for us and think about our family and for that we are so grateful. We still need your thoughts and prayer almost 9 months later. Chad and I still have random moments of tears and anger but they're getting less frequent as time goes by. We don't talk about Camden as much, which makes me sad, but also understandable. Many of you have asked me what Chad and I could use at this point in our grief process. If I could wish one thing, I wish someone would talk about Camden to me. I wish someone would share a cute story about our chubby little man. It might make me cry but I think nothing would be sweeter then to hear someone say his name.