The weight of it all

As someone who has been overweight most of her life, I consider myself an expert in fat girl trauma. I’ve spent years trying to relearn and rethink how I see my body. I’ve even gone as far as cutting out 80% of my stomach so I could be a “normal size.” Guess what? I’ve lost 50lbs, and I’m still not a standard size. Being a big girl never stopped me from trying to participate in regular school activities. I play soccer from 5th grade to 11th grade. I was in marching band for two years. I even attempted REC basketball for one season, which I hated!

I was never the superstar on any team I played on. I was always at the back of the pack when running the mile in gym class. I was always the chubby friend with a pretty face in social settings. I slowly started understanding my role as the fat teammate, friend, and classmate. My body was not considered athletic or beautiful, so I was kept in my lane. You may participate, but you will never be the best. How could you be the best with a body like yours?

So I quickly took on the role of the funny fat friend, a typical role many of us “larger” than life personalities do. I succeeded at this role. I saw an instant change in how people treated me by just being entertaining. People loved being around me and invited me to many social gatherings. I finally felt I had my own lane—a lane where I could be accepted while being the size I was, I am.

Sometimes, I use self-deprecating language to get laughs. As an adult, when engaging in physical activity, I typically make fun of myself the whole time, hiding any athletic ability so I don’t look like a fool actually trying to play. When around other athletes, I say they’re in their lane, and I will stay in mine because my body was not built for that. 

Now, watching my own teenage daughter navigate similar obstacles, I feel compelled to be a voice for big girls everywhere! If you catch yourself questioning a person's ability based on their size, don’t. If curves aren’t to your taste, keep that to yourself. If you have the privilege to coach a youth sports team and you base playing time on looks, stop. If you’re thinking about asking someone when their baby is due, don’t. This world should be a safe space for everyone to participate and engage in. 

I’m glad I’ve found my people—the people who unconditionally love me regardless of my size. I’m not actively auditioning or trying out for anything where my body is being scrutinized, but my daughter is, and unfortunately, I see history repeating itself. Just as I am trying to relearn how to love myself, perhaps there are many of you out there who need to, too. Let’s all work harder to be better for this next generation. Let’s be more inclusive, more accepting, and more loving. I guarantee you the outcome would be phenomenal. 

Love your funny fat friend.

Half way there

The average age of death for woman in the United States is 81. That means I'm just about half way there. Kind of depressing but also inspiring. I have 45 more years to make a difference, learn new things and better myself. This blog is intended to follow up from my last blog in January. I mentioned I've been doing a lot of soul searching in my 36th year. Including figuring out what I want to do with my life, both with work and personally. I'm not going to pretend I figured it all out but there has been some progression! 

If you're someone close to me or follow my social media feed you may have whiplash from my life choices. Heck I do! I used to feel incredibly insecure about my job changes, educational changes and any change that included Cali but I've overcome that. I've learned that I don't need everyone else's approval to feel good about a decision I made for my life. I've learned I'm a team with my husband and he is a great sounding board when it comes to big decisions. On a good day, I really appreciate the 5 (enneagram talk) in him! He never makes a rash decision, and gathers all the facts to be the most informed.

I'm a feeler. I make decision with my gut, I move quickly, I don't always stop to the process. God certainly knew what he was doing when he brought Chad and I together. I see that more than ever in the last few years.

Since September I have been subbing for the IU13 working with students with different abilities. Fun fact, this was also my first job immediately graduating from High School up to when I married Chad. When I started subbing again, I wasn't exactly excited but I knew it was a flexible gig that paid decent. I felt like I was taking a step back considering I did this when I was 19 years old. This winter I had the opportunity to sub in a High School emotional support classroom several times. I quickly connected with the students and classroom staff. I started coming home sharing all the funny stories from my day and talking about special conversations I had with some of the more challenging students. Chad and Cali could both see a light in me that I couldn't see. I continue to apply and interview for administrative positions that paid well and offered our family security. 

One day Chad and I had a conversation after another job offer that I just wasn't feel great about and he said "you know, I think when you worked in youth ministry, you were your happiest." I stopped to think about it. I was a Director of Youth Ministry for almost 4 years. Towards the end of my time, Camden was born and died. After stepping down from that role, I did the stay at home mom thing, worked part time jobs that worked well for the family and never revisited that field. I guess it brings back really happy and really traumatic memories. 

But I remember loving my connections with the students. I still love seeing them grow up, get married and starting families of their own. I even attend a wedding or two! Teenagers have such a fun spirit about them. Sure they can be little punks sometimes, but who isn't? The teenage years are so formative and it's an honor as an adult to get to walk alongside a student through that. 

This discovery prompted me to apply to a full time position at the IU 13 as a job trainer who works with high school students find their footing in the workforce. I was offered the job and for the first time in years, I confidently said "yes" knowing this is where God has intended me to be! I will get the opportunity to guide students through the resume writing, interviewing (something I have lots of experience in) and teaching them appropriate work ethic and behavior. I'm excited to be back working with teenagers, knowing it's something I'm gifted at and have passion for.

Life is coming full circle, working for the IU again. To all of you out there searching, it took me 36 years for someone else to see what I couldn't see. It took me a handful of jobs to discover what works and what doesn't. It took me years of feeling crappy at something to guide me back to what I'm gifted in.

It takes time and trial error to figure it out. Don't rush it. God's timing is impeccable. 

Putting the pieces together

Self-discovery is a tireless journey of intricately piecing yourself together to figure out who you are, how you work and what makes you tick. And we all pray at the end their will be a beautiful picture formed and completed. The reality is, that probably will never happen. Truthfully a human will never be complete. We are flawed. We should be working hard to learn new things, challenging ourselves and improving the broken person we are. We're always going to be missing a piece...well lets be real, a few pieces. A helpful reminder that we are not perfect and will never be perfect so lets stop trying.

Something I recently discovered about myself is a fear of failing. I would have never proclaimed myself as a perfectionist is the past but I hold some characteristics of one. As many of you know, my educational journey was lack luster and a bit demoralizing. I was used to failing in the literal terms. School was as place where I was labeled, put into a box and stuck for many years. 

I was an extroverted, social butterfly who's gifts remained out of the classroom and more in social settings. By the time I graduated, I knew what I was good at and what I wasn't. Some may think that is a good thing but over the years I have noticed where this has hindered me as an adult. 

There is great danger is labeling a child. Children are looking to please the adults in their lives. So if the people they find most safety in (parents, teachers, youth leaders) continuously say you are good at something, you quickly become pigeonholed. Especially when you don't have another great skill or talent to fall back on.

Let me explain. I was not a stellar athlete. I had a subpar singing voice. My artistic ability was average. And I certainly was not an overachiever in the classroom. BUT I knew I was good with people. I knew people liked me. It gave me confidence in social dynamics I knew others didn't have. When it was time to graduate and think about next steps, I had very little options in my mind because social skills only took you so far. Most of my adult years I have struggled to settle into a job because I have a fear of failing. There aren't many jobs out there where you get to socialize with people all day. Many jobs involve smart people, who solve difficult problems and innovate new ideas. Somethings I've never been told I was good at. I have pigeonholed myself into believing I can't be anything but a great friend. I have believed challenging work is too hard and I will fail at it so why try? I only received "F's" on my work in high school, how will it be different in a workplace?

Being subpar is easier than being a failure and a disappointment to those around me. I think that has been my moto for past 20 years. Kind of sad, but also true. 

But there is light to shed on this somewhat depressing discovery. In the past five years I have discovered I am an excellent organizer both in homes and of events. Two things that bring me great joy! I am fantastic at multi-tasking, getting things done and flying by the seat of my pants when things don't go as planned. I will always be a bad speller, awful with grammar and even worse at math BUT now I see there are other things I am good at. Skills that other people don't have. It took me years to discover them. I went through many jobs, good bosses, bad bosses and A LOT of tears to get here but I'm here now, what am I going to do with it?

Stay tuned <3 

If only 7th grade me knew how great she would be! 

Reflections on year 35

You know how every adult with a social media platform bids farewell to a previous year and looks forward to the year ahead? It typically reads, "I'm not going to miss this last year; here's to 20XX being the best year yet!" Or "Year 34 was a rough one, here hoping year 35 brings all the best!" 

We are always searching for positive transformations and personal growth. Well, I can confidently say year 35 has been just that! With 36 closely knocking on the door, I've taken some time to reflect on why this year has been such a memorable one. 

Adulthood feels like it began when I was 20. The year I got married to Chad. This means we are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary on May 16th. CRAZY. We have been through so much together. Chad has walked hand in hand through my best and my worst seasons. He has seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. He has seen me succeed with flying colors and fail miserably. He has quietly watched me make good and not-so-good decisions, loving me regardless. He has been my biggest cheerleader and stepped in as the most important man in my life, closely followed by my Dad. 

Our marriage is far from perfect, but reflecting on the past 15 years, I see what God had planned from the beginning. He is the ying to my yang, the gift that keeps giving, and I honestly couldn't imagine a better fit for my over-the-top, big personality. The statistics have been against us getting married at 20, but we are going strong, and for that, I am grateful. 

This year, I was able to be the stable one in the relationship concerning our careers. I have been working part-time since we got married to stay home with Cali, meaning Chad was the sole provider for the family. After taking on a highly stressful and time-consuming job six months in, he was done. We dreamed together about what Chad could do next. He said I want to buy my own truck and work for myself. Because I now work full-time and provide insurance for the family, It allowed Chad to pursue his dreams of being an owner-operator. It was a true gift for me to see Chad take a risk, something not very characteristic of my husband. Praise Jesus, it's been fantastic for him!

Another significant part of the past year was my health journey. I remained quiet about it in the beginning to keep my focus. But as I reached goals, it was hard to keep this extrovert quiet. I've lost 75 lbs through blood, sweat, and tears. I've found a love in moving my body I've never had before. After 34 years of trying and failing at weight loss, I finally found what worked and stuck with it. It was finally time, and I'm not sure what changed, but it has been incredibly life-giving! 

Any transformation typically brings self-reflection, which I've done a lot this year. Through hours of prayer, journalling, and conversation, I realized what I am truly gifted at. I've secretly known it all along, but this year it's become evident. And the more I thought about it, I didn't see these gifts used to the best of my ability in my current job. In fact, for the past 10 years, I have held administrative roles, which I can do, but I realized I find little joy in. 

What am I gifted at?

I am gifted at connection, relating to others, and bringing people together.

I am gifted at getting people excited about things I'm excited about.

I am gifted at bringing life and joy to mundane things.

I am gifted at coordinating events and providing experiences. 

I am gifted at getting the job done well and efficiently/ 

I am not gifted at Excel :) 

I am not gifted in spelling and grammar (as seen in this blog).

I am not gifted at small details. 

I prefer to avoid long, drawn-out meetings. 

These are all things I figured out about myself 35 years into life. Figuring this out moved me to make a tough but needed decision. I am leaving my job at the Brethren in Christ as an administrative coordinator and moving into a new role as Director of Development for a small nonprofit. Yesterday, I heard a missionary speak about a transition she was making, and she said something I really resonated with. She said, "I don't want to leave, but I need to go." This is precisely how I feel! I love all of my co-workers so much, and I love working for a denomination that essentially raised me. But I feel God calling me to use my gifts differently to further his kingdom. I will work for a community hub providing support to under-resourced inner-city families. I'm excited to use my "wooing" skills to raise funds for afterschool programs, single mom groups, and a food bank. I will get to plan community events and fundraisers to get people and businesses excited about supporting their community. 

This year has been a year of transition! But in a good way. I feel I'm coming into who God always intended me to be. Every job, experience, and disappointment has led me to today. I feel strong, confident, and worthy of who I am. I'm excited to see how God will use me in this next chapter of life.

Here is hoping year 36 is as powerful and life-giving as 35 has been!

2008

2023

Let's hear it for the average kid

Having a 12-year-old daughter, I'm in the thick of sports tryouts, musical auditions, and school invitationals. We are getting the whole experience of working hard and dealing with disappointment. I firmly believe in growing through life experiences such as not making the team, bombing a test, or forgetting your line in an audition. These experiences build character and prepare our kiddos for a lifetime of extreme excitement and extreme disappointment. All of which we, as adults, have experienced. 

But something that doesn't sit well with me as a parent is the lack of space in sports, music, art programs, and school activities for the "average kid." This would include my daughter, the kid down the street, the boy sitting in the pew in front of us at church, and probably your kid. 

What does an average kid look like? 

It's a kid who...

• Drags their feet getting to school in the morning, but when there, are focused, trying their best, and respectful to staff.
• Participates in rec sports to stay active and be a part of a team, but doesn't score the goals. 
• Sometimes talks back to their parents, but do their chores, help around the house, and love their family.
• Practices at something they love (singing, an instrument, a sport, drawing) to get better but will never be the best. 
• Holds the door open for the person behind them, shovels the elderly neighbor's driveway, and empathizes with those around them. 
• They spend too much time on their phones, electronics, and TV, but they are the first to ask for a family game night or hang out with friends. 
• They don't spend 6 days a week practicing a sport, studying, or singing on a stage so they can continue to be an average kid. 

In this context, I don't want the word "average" to be seen as unfavorable. In fact, I hope it can be celebrated. You won't read about my daughter in the newspaper for crushing a record or see her in the news for winning a prestigious award. But when you see her being nice to someone or serving her community, you could give her a little nod. Or the kid who mows the neighbor's law just because, or asks the unpopular kid at lunch to sit with him, send him a note letting him know he is seen. 

Our society has become obsessed with being the best, standing above the rest, and being 1 in a million. Let's be honest. The odds of our kid becoming a superstar in anything is very slim. There are 7 billion people on this Earth. Let the numbers speak for themselves. They're some incredibly talented kids out there. We see them and hear about them all the time. We celebrate along with them in their accomplishments! Let's do the same for kids whose talents look different or aren't the status quo. 

I saw a news release today celebrating a bowling team winning a state championship. How awesome and not something we hear a lot about. Many of you reading this are "average adults" who were probably once "average kids." Let's not give too much attention to being the best at something, rather let's help out kiddos be their best selves instead. I'm 35 and just discovered who I am, what I love to do, and what I'm good at. None of which I knew at 12 years old or would have celebrated. 

My one request to those reading this...give this generation a chance to be kids, let go of the pressure, and simply be. 

Sincerely the average mom of an average kid. 

2020

Probably the most basic blog title I could choose but the reality is, the term 2020 has become an international phenomenon. The year 2020 brought us a new decade and a little something called COVID-19. It almost seems like a curse word...It's hard to believe it's been 8 months since lockdown was implemented. We were all so cute and naive. We only have two weeks at home and then we can get back to life. This is great! A two-week vacation turned into a month vacation and it ended up being a three-month quarantine! Followed by a strange summer with canceled vacations, working from home and SO many outdoor movie nights. Then came fall like a wrecking ball. Virtual learning, elections, record-breaking COVID-19 cases, and modified holiday plans. Boy, this blog is sounding super depressing. 

None of what I wrote is new to any of us. We all have experienced this together. Some more than others. Some of us have actually contracted COVID-19. Some of us have lost loved ones. Some of us have been in quarantine several times because of exposure. Some of us have had a q-tip stuck up our nose more times than we would like to count. The moral of the story is 2020 has sucked in many ways. BUT I'm sure we can all find something to be thankful for through this mess we call 2020. 

Oddly enough, we had some really great experiences this year and I refuse to let COVID-19 define what I remember. Yes, I'm going to list all the things that were a blessing to our family, not to brag but to find gratitude which I could really use right now. As the holiday's approach and Cali is in quarantine for the 2nd time this fall, and her school moving to virtual, no Thanksgiving with our families and probably no Christmas, I thought a list of blessings would get me through. 

1. This year has been the first in several that Chad and I have not been thinking about growing our family. For over 5 years we walked through IVF treatments, surgeries, failed adoptions, and a quick go of it at Foster Care. So much paperwork, heartache, and pain. This year has been refreshing and almost like a weight lifted off our shoulders. What a blessing it is to find contentment in our small family as it is. 

2. I got 4 months of Chad! Yes, there were times where I wanted to run out the door and hide from my family. But it was pretty cool having Chad around 24/7 for several months. He works long hours typically so skipping the commute to work added a lot to our days. 

3. Thank God for unemployment! Owning my own business brought its own challenges this year but not working for 3 solid months made things hairy. Then Chad getting let go of his job was plain scary. I'm so glad we had unemployment during those months to get us through. 

4. I'm so happy Chad found a new job that he loves! For several years Chad and I talked about where he sees himself in 5 years. He struggled to see where he would be or what he would be doing. Knowing he was ready for a change but not ready to take the plunge he stayed where he knew it was safe (one thing I love about him)! Although getting let go during a world pandemic was not ideal, he ended up finding a new job he loves! He is being challenged, learning new things, and excited to see where he will go!

5. Having to slow down made me a better friend. Let's face it when life is busy and we're going nonstop, it's hard to be a good friend. Although I couldn't see many people face to face, I found myself texting, calling, and Facetiming friends more than ever. I was determined to get creative in seeing my friends like taking walks, outdoor movie nights, cookouts, and hiking. We accidentally (we got lost) took a 7-mile hike with our good friends and I don't regret it :) 

6. I love my home. For some people, spending 8 months in your home can make you want to renovate everything but for me, I discovered I love my house. We certainly caught up on home projects during quarantine but nothing major. I love the picture shelves Chad built for me at the end of the hallway. Every time I walk to my room, I stop and look at all the people I love! I love our hammock under the trees. It's so nice to go out to swing, read, and nap. I love our patio space. Perfect for hosting backyard BBQs. I love our bonus space downstairs. This is where we curl up as a family and watch movies or where Cali goes to sing and play. I love our friendly neighbors. I love our home and where we live. 

7. I'm glad we are all experiencing this together. One thing that is getting me through this pandemic is knowing we are all walking this journey as one. We all understand the frustrations, loneliness, and confusion that go along with COVID-19. Years down the road we will remember the terms social distancing, Zoom, Virtual learning, unprecedented, pandemic and so much more. Hopefully, we will all be able to laugh about all the funny things we did to survive. Drive-by birthday parties, getting to wear a mask into a bank, red x's on the floors everywhere, temperature checks, doing an obnoxious amount of puzzles and being terrified to cough in public. I'm kind of laughing right now :P 

As we all embark on this Holiday week, I hope we can stop and find gratitude where gratitude is due. If you're reading this, you're alive another day. You're most likely healthy and still going to enjoy a hearty meal on Thursday. Although it won't be with the usual crowd, we will be safe, showing compassion and praising Jesus for the vaccines on the way. We can be thankful, even during this storm we call 2020. Happy Holiday friends. I can't wait to hug you <3

We're in this together.

My desire to write about my feelings during this pandemic has been nagging at me since day one but I wasn't sure how I wanted to come across. I didn't want to be the Debbie Downer and add to the mass hysteria with more negative talk and anxious feelings. I also didn't want to be too light-hearted about the whole situation because I know it's very serious. 

As I sit here this Sunday morning missing yet another church service with my faith community I struggle to put into words where my heart is at. For those enneagram lovers out there, I'm a textbook 7 with a 6 wing. What does this mean when it comes to social distancing and quarantine? Simply put, I'm struggling. My whole being thrives from human interaction and excitement. I'm always looking towards the future for the next exciting thing and I hate when I have no control. So basically when you're thinking about the worst person to be cooped up in their house with no control and no future to look towards, it would be me. 

Don't get me wrong, there have been some pretty great moments during our 16 days of social distancing. We have played more games than I can count, finished two 1000 piece puzzles, participated in Home Church via Zoom and I've seen Cali play outside more in the past two weeks than maybe in her lifetime. I can see why slowing down is good for the soul. But I can't help but think about God's purpose of putting us on this earth together. God created Adam and Eve TOGETHER so they would not be alone. Our whole human existence was based on not being alone.

Now I know most of us are not alone. We are with our loved ones day in and day out but we are missing our social networks. Co-workers, church family, extended family, and friends. I have experienced grief over the past two weeks, a similar feeling to what I experienced a few years back when Camden died. I feel like I have lost a part of me during this time. We have no idea how long this will go on and I wonder if I will be forever changed from this. Just like I can remember every detail from 9/11 and the day Camden died, I believe I will remember the Coronavirus. The fear it instilled in me. The precious time it took away from my life and community. And the time I questioned if I can really trust the people in power. Do they really have our best interests at heart? These are questions I may never find answers to but they are worth the time to consider during such an uncertain moment in time. 

Even with all of this uncertainty, I have seen some amazing things that have put my faith in humanity again. I have seen younger neighbors checking on older neighbors and asking to be their errand-runner. I have seen singers go to hospitals and sing outside of windows for people who are sick. I have seen coaches and teachers drive in makeshift parades through local neighborhoods. I have seen parents put together Zoom class meetings for their kids to see one another. I have seen churches offer online worship time for those who are hurting. I have seen people stay home, not for themself but for their elderly parents and neighbors. I have seen doctors and nurses quarantine themselves from their families for weeks so they don't make their loved ones sick. I have seen Governors make tough decisions for their states in order to keep everyone safe. 

This is not easy but we are doing good. We as humankind are doing good. It's okay to admit this isn't always fun, that our family is driving us crazy or that you just want to go to Starbucks for a latte and mindlessly shop through Target (but you won't of course). Let's be real, this is hard but we have each other. We will make it through this. Keep checking on one another. Pray for one another and be a good person. Stay home.