Half way there

The average age of death for woman in the United States is 81. That means I'm just about half way there. Kind of depressing but also inspiring. I have 45 more years to make a difference, learn new things and better myself. This blog is intended to follow up from my last blog in January. I mentioned I've been doing a lot of soul searching in my 36th year. Including figuring out what I want to do with my life, both with work and personally. I'm not going to pretend I figured it all out but there has been some progression! 

If you're someone close to me or follow my social media feed you may have whiplash from my life choices. Heck I do! I used to feel incredibly insecure about my job changes, educational changes and any change that included Cali but I've overcome that. I've learned that I don't need everyone else's approval to feel good about a decision I made for my life. I've learned I'm a team with my husband and he is a great sounding board when it comes to big decisions. On a good day, I really appreciate the 5 (enneagram talk) in him! He never makes a rash decision, and gathers all the facts to be the most informed.

I'm a feeler. I make decision with my gut, I move quickly, I don't always stop to the process. God certainly knew what he was doing when he brought Chad and I together. I see that more than ever in the last few years.

Since September I have been subbing for the IU13 working with students with different abilities. Fun fact, this was also my first job immediately graduating from High School up to when I married Chad. When I started subbing again, I wasn't exactly excited but I knew it was a flexible gig that paid decent. I felt like I was taking a step back considering I did this when I was 19 years old. This winter I had the opportunity to sub in a High School emotional support classroom several times. I quickly connected with the students and classroom staff. I started coming home sharing all the funny stories from my day and talking about special conversations I had with some of the more challenging students. Chad and Cali could both see a light in me that I couldn't see. I continue to apply and interview for administrative positions that paid well and offered our family security. 

One day Chad and I had a conversation after another job offer that I just wasn't feel great about and he said "you know, I think when you worked in youth ministry, you were your happiest." I stopped to think about it. I was a Director of Youth Ministry for almost 4 years. Towards the end of my time, Camden was born and died. After stepping down from that role, I did the stay at home mom thing, worked part time jobs that worked well for the family and never revisited that field. I guess it brings back really happy and really traumatic memories. 

But I remember loving my connections with the students. I still love seeing them grow up, get married and starting families of their own. I even attend a wedding or two! Teenagers have such a fun spirit about them. Sure they can be little punks sometimes, but who isn't? The teenage years are so formative and it's an honor as an adult to get to walk alongside a student through that. 

This discovery prompted me to apply to a full time position at the IU 13 as a job trainer who works with high school students find their footing in the workforce. I was offered the job and for the first time in years, I confidently said "yes" knowing this is where God has intended me to be! I will get the opportunity to guide students through the resume writing, interviewing (something I have lots of experience in) and teaching them appropriate work ethic and behavior. I'm excited to be back working with teenagers, knowing it's something I'm gifted at and have passion for.

Life is coming full circle, working for the IU again. To all of you out there searching, it took me 36 years for someone else to see what I couldn't see. It took me a handful of jobs to discover what works and what doesn't. It took me years of feeling crappy at something to guide me back to what I'm gifted in.

It takes time and trial error to figure it out. Don't rush it. God's timing is impeccable. 

Putting the pieces together

Self-discovery is a tireless journey of intricately piecing yourself together to figure out who you are, how you work and what makes you tick. And we all pray at the end their will be a beautiful picture formed and completed. The reality is, that probably will never happen. Truthfully a human will never be complete. We are flawed. We should be working hard to learn new things, challenging ourselves and improving the broken person we are. We're always going to be missing a piece...well lets be real, a few pieces. A helpful reminder that we are not perfect and will never be perfect so lets stop trying.

Something I recently discovered about myself is a fear of failing. I would have never proclaimed myself as a perfectionist is the past but I hold some characteristics of one. As many of you know, my educational journey was lack luster and a bit demoralizing. I was used to failing in the literal terms. School was as place where I was labeled, put into a box and stuck for many years. 

I was an extroverted, social butterfly who's gifts remained out of the classroom and more in social settings. By the time I graduated, I knew what I was good at and what I wasn't. Some may think that is a good thing but over the years I have noticed where this has hindered me as an adult. 

There is great danger is labeling a child. Children are looking to please the adults in their lives. So if the people they find most safety in (parents, teachers, youth leaders) continuously say you are good at something, you quickly become pigeonholed. Especially when you don't have another great skill or talent to fall back on.

Let me explain. I was not a stellar athlete. I had a subpar singing voice. My artistic ability was average. And I certainly was not an overachiever in the classroom. BUT I knew I was good with people. I knew people liked me. It gave me confidence in social dynamics I knew others didn't have. When it was time to graduate and think about next steps, I had very little options in my mind because social skills only took you so far. Most of my adult years I have struggled to settle into a job because I have a fear of failing. There aren't many jobs out there where you get to socialize with people all day. Many jobs involve smart people, who solve difficult problems and innovate new ideas. Somethings I've never been told I was good at. I have pigeonholed myself into believing I can't be anything but a great friend. I have believed challenging work is too hard and I will fail at it so why try? I only received "F's" on my work in high school, how will it be different in a workplace?

Being subpar is easier than being a failure and a disappointment to those around me. I think that has been my moto for past 20 years. Kind of sad, but also true. 

But there is light to shed on this somewhat depressing discovery. In the past five years I have discovered I am an excellent organizer both in homes and of events. Two things that bring me great joy! I am fantastic at multi-tasking, getting things done and flying by the seat of my pants when things don't go as planned. I will always be a bad speller, awful with grammar and even worse at math BUT now I see there are other things I am good at. Skills that other people don't have. It took me years to discover them. I went through many jobs, good bosses, bad bosses and A LOT of tears to get here but I'm here now, what am I going to do with it?

Stay tuned <3 

If only 7th grade me knew how great she would be!