2020

Probably the most basic blog title I could choose but the reality is, the term 2020 has become an international phenomenon. The year 2020 brought us a new decade and a little something called COVID-19. It almost seems like a curse word...It's hard to believe it's been 8 months since lockdown was implemented. We were all so cute and naive. We only have two weeks at home and then we can get back to life. This is great! A two-week vacation turned into a month vacation and it ended up being a three-month quarantine! Followed by a strange summer with canceled vacations, working from home and SO many outdoor movie nights. Then came fall like a wrecking ball. Virtual learning, elections, record-breaking COVID-19 cases, and modified holiday plans. Boy, this blog is sounding super depressing. 

None of what I wrote is new to any of us. We all have experienced this together. Some more than others. Some of us have actually contracted COVID-19. Some of us have lost loved ones. Some of us have been in quarantine several times because of exposure. Some of us have had a q-tip stuck up our nose more times than we would like to count. The moral of the story is 2020 has sucked in many ways. BUT I'm sure we can all find something to be thankful for through this mess we call 2020. 

Oddly enough, we had some really great experiences this year and I refuse to let COVID-19 define what I remember. Yes, I'm going to list all the things that were a blessing to our family, not to brag but to find gratitude which I could really use right now. As the holiday's approach and Cali is in quarantine for the 2nd time this fall, and her school moving to virtual, no Thanksgiving with our families and probably no Christmas, I thought a list of blessings would get me through. 

1. This year has been the first in several that Chad and I have not been thinking about growing our family. For over 5 years we walked through IVF treatments, surgeries, failed adoptions, and a quick go of it at Foster Care. So much paperwork, heartache, and pain. This year has been refreshing and almost like a weight lifted off our shoulders. What a blessing it is to find contentment in our small family as it is. 

2. I got 4 months of Chad! Yes, there were times where I wanted to run out the door and hide from my family. But it was pretty cool having Chad around 24/7 for several months. He works long hours typically so skipping the commute to work added a lot to our days. 

3. Thank God for unemployment! Owning my own business brought its own challenges this year but not working for 3 solid months made things hairy. Then Chad getting let go of his job was plain scary. I'm so glad we had unemployment during those months to get us through. 

4. I'm so happy Chad found a new job that he loves! For several years Chad and I talked about where he sees himself in 5 years. He struggled to see where he would be or what he would be doing. Knowing he was ready for a change but not ready to take the plunge he stayed where he knew it was safe (one thing I love about him)! Although getting let go during a world pandemic was not ideal, he ended up finding a new job he loves! He is being challenged, learning new things, and excited to see where he will go!

5. Having to slow down made me a better friend. Let's face it when life is busy and we're going nonstop, it's hard to be a good friend. Although I couldn't see many people face to face, I found myself texting, calling, and Facetiming friends more than ever. I was determined to get creative in seeing my friends like taking walks, outdoor movie nights, cookouts, and hiking. We accidentally (we got lost) took a 7-mile hike with our good friends and I don't regret it :) 

6. I love my home. For some people, spending 8 months in your home can make you want to renovate everything but for me, I discovered I love my house. We certainly caught up on home projects during quarantine but nothing major. I love the picture shelves Chad built for me at the end of the hallway. Every time I walk to my room, I stop and look at all the people I love! I love our hammock under the trees. It's so nice to go out to swing, read, and nap. I love our patio space. Perfect for hosting backyard BBQs. I love our bonus space downstairs. This is where we curl up as a family and watch movies or where Cali goes to sing and play. I love our friendly neighbors. I love our home and where we live. 

7. I'm glad we are all experiencing this together. One thing that is getting me through this pandemic is knowing we are all walking this journey as one. We all understand the frustrations, loneliness, and confusion that go along with COVID-19. Years down the road we will remember the terms social distancing, Zoom, Virtual learning, unprecedented, pandemic and so much more. Hopefully, we will all be able to laugh about all the funny things we did to survive. Drive-by birthday parties, getting to wear a mask into a bank, red x's on the floors everywhere, temperature checks, doing an obnoxious amount of puzzles and being terrified to cough in public. I'm kind of laughing right now :P 

As we all embark on this Holiday week, I hope we can stop and find gratitude where gratitude is due. If you're reading this, you're alive another day. You're most likely healthy and still going to enjoy a hearty meal on Thursday. Although it won't be with the usual crowd, we will be safe, showing compassion and praising Jesus for the vaccines on the way. We can be thankful, even during this storm we call 2020. Happy Holiday friends. I can't wait to hug you <3

We're in this together.

My desire to write about my feelings during this pandemic has been nagging at me since day one but I wasn't sure how I wanted to come across. I didn't want to be the Debbie Downer and add to the mass hysteria with more negative talk and anxious feelings. I also didn't want to be too light-hearted about the whole situation because I know it's very serious. 

As I sit here this Sunday morning missing yet another church service with my faith community I struggle to put into words where my heart is at. For those enneagram lovers out there, I'm a textbook 7 with a 6 wing. What does this mean when it comes to social distancing and quarantine? Simply put, I'm struggling. My whole being thrives from human interaction and excitement. I'm always looking towards the future for the next exciting thing and I hate when I have no control. So basically when you're thinking about the worst person to be cooped up in their house with no control and no future to look towards, it would be me. 

Don't get me wrong, there have been some pretty great moments during our 16 days of social distancing. We have played more games than I can count, finished two 1000 piece puzzles, participated in Home Church via Zoom and I've seen Cali play outside more in the past two weeks than maybe in her lifetime. I can see why slowing down is good for the soul. But I can't help but think about God's purpose of putting us on this earth together. God created Adam and Eve TOGETHER so they would not be alone. Our whole human existence was based on not being alone.

Now I know most of us are not alone. We are with our loved ones day in and day out but we are missing our social networks. Co-workers, church family, extended family, and friends. I have experienced grief over the past two weeks, a similar feeling to what I experienced a few years back when Camden died. I feel like I have lost a part of me during this time. We have no idea how long this will go on and I wonder if I will be forever changed from this. Just like I can remember every detail from 9/11 and the day Camden died, I believe I will remember the Coronavirus. The fear it instilled in me. The precious time it took away from my life and community. And the time I questioned if I can really trust the people in power. Do they really have our best interests at heart? These are questions I may never find answers to but they are worth the time to consider during such an uncertain moment in time. 

Even with all of this uncertainty, I have seen some amazing things that have put my faith in humanity again. I have seen younger neighbors checking on older neighbors and asking to be their errand-runner. I have seen singers go to hospitals and sing outside of windows for people who are sick. I have seen coaches and teachers drive in makeshift parades through local neighborhoods. I have seen parents put together Zoom class meetings for their kids to see one another. I have seen churches offer online worship time for those who are hurting. I have seen people stay home, not for themself but for their elderly parents and neighbors. I have seen doctors and nurses quarantine themselves from their families for weeks so they don't make their loved ones sick. I have seen Governors make tough decisions for their states in order to keep everyone safe. 

This is not easy but we are doing good. We as humankind are doing good. It's okay to admit this isn't always fun, that our family is driving us crazy or that you just want to go to Starbucks for a latte and mindlessly shop through Target (but you won't of course). Let's be real, this is hard but we have each other. We will make it through this. Keep checking on one another. Pray for one another and be a good person. Stay home.

 

In societies eyes

My mind has been spinning from the events of this weekend. I have experienced two deaths, one of an acquaintance and the other a famous basketball star. While neither are significant losses to my personal life, they have caused me to stop and reflect.

On Friday while enjoying my weekly lunch with my dad, we were interrupted by loud emergency sirens. Since our own experiences with ambulances and firemen, it's always regular practice for us to check the local live incident report to see what is going on. We were not far from where my dad lived so he was concerned it could have been one of his neighbors. Sure enough the report took us right to my parent's neighborhood. We quickly finished our meals and went back to see what was happening. Apparently overnight, a neighbor of my parents passed in her sleep.

This wasn't just "a neighbor" it was Sally. Sally was rough around the edges, loud, outspoken but kindhearted at the same time. As regular visitors of the neighborhood we had encountered Sally on many occasions. She sat perched on her stoop everyday smoking a cigarette, keeping a watchful eye on her little village. She was a fierce protector of what she loved. From what I knew of Sally, she lived a rough life, never married and had one son. She lived a simple life but was happy. Her small one bedroom apartment was everything she needed. And she took great pride in it.

Every time we would get out of the car, she was quick to call out to us and say Hello. She always went out of her way to tell Cali how beautiful she was and she loved Izzy, our dog. She would regularly remind us how lucky we were to have such great parents, Danny and Sharon. My dad said every time he or my mom would walk outside she would NEVER miss the opportunity to express her love to them, "Love you Danny, Love you Sharon." If this tiny village had a mayor, it sure would have been Sally.

In the eyes of society, Sally offered very little to the world. She had little resources, she couldn't work or even drive. But in her little community she meant the world to so many. No matter how small or alone you feel, someone will always miss you when you're gone. You might not be famous or rich but I promise, you are important to someone.

Now that Sally is gone I wished I would have told her how much I appreciated her daily greetings and kind words. I wonder if she knew how important she was? This has reminded me how significant it is to express your feelings to others while they're still here. It might feel awkward or out of place for you but that could be the last words a person hears. Everyone should know how important they are to you.

Rest in peace Sally

As it should be.

As we approach the 6 year anniversary of Camden's death, I have been spending a lot of time in reflection. We have spent the past several years focused on growing our family and ultimately becoming a family of 4 again as it was always intended. First we attempted IVF. With no success adoption was the next plan but when that proved to be a dead end, we thought Foster Care would be a great way to welcome a child into our family, even if it were only temporary. We were given the chance right before Christmas. There was another child in our home for the first time in 6 years! I wish I could tell you an amazing redemption story about how this child was the missing link in our family but I can't. Those were some of the hardest days and we quickly realized this wasn't going to work out.

I know we don't owe anyone an explanation of our family decisions but sometimes this feels like the best way to get the word out. Together, we have decided not to purse growing our family any longer. We realized through the most recent events that we love and appreciate our small little family as it is. My worries of Cali being an only sibling have subsided and I now see what a gift it is that Cali has two loving parents who are there for her all the time. She has been through a lot in 8 years, including a very traumatic event. Perhaps our focus needs to be on her and her only.

I try not live my life with regrets, so I will not dwell on the fact that we invested so much time, money and energy into something that never panned out. We appreciate all the love and support each and everyone of you have given us. It will never go unnoticed. If anything we have learned through this journey that we have a solid support system. We have had people make us meals, supported us financially, prayed for us, loved on Cali and walked along side of us. I have had many tearful nights but I knew I was never alone.

We have decided to share this with you for a few reasons. First, We can avoid answering the same questions over and over again from our friends and family. Many of you saw us with our foster daughter and wonder where she is. She is in a new placement with a great seasoned foster family. Second, please don't feel sad for us. I think all the closed doors was God trying to tell us something but we refused to listen. In the end we had to let go of the control and when we did we had a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. I told Chad recently I feel so at peace. This is something I haven't experience in years. As we have started packing away all the baby things in our house, I shed no tears. It feels right.

We're very optimistic about the future and where things are going. Cali is doing great! She is half way through 3rd grade, loving cheer and spending time with friends and cousins who are like brothers and sisters to her. Chad is dispatch manager at BRT, INC and enjoying his hobby of woodworking. I started a professional organizing business last year and I'm SO excited about where it's headed. We have great friends, a loving church and a supportive family. What more could we ask for?