Question for God

• Where are you?
• Why did Camden have to die?
• Why did you let us meet him and hold him to only take him away?
• How could a woman who had little trouble getting pregnant the first two times, not get pregnant through IVF?
• Why has every infertile person in my life got pregnant and I have not?
• Why has everyone going through the adoption process been able to adopt, and we have not?
• Why did birth mom #1 Change her mind?
• Why did Christian Adoption Consultants match us with the most unprofessional and illegal adoption agency in America? 
• Why can anyone have a baby, but good people have to jump through hoops to even be considered to adopt a child?
• How can good people, continue to experience bad things?
• How can I complain about my life, when I know I have so much more than a lot of people?
• Why do I have a house, clean water, food and money, when others do not?
• If we're called to care for mothers and orphans, why aren't you allowing us?
• Do I not believe in you enough to reap the "God" benefits? 
• How can American have so much but be so unhappy?
• Why can't money buy happiness?
• If we had money we could use a surrogate or have a baby a different way. Don't you think that would make us happy?
• Why are there children suffering right now?
• Why are there families who want to grow crying right now?
• We have been in foster care for 3 weeks and already had two placements that fell through? Why?
• Did I make bad decisions which ultimately ended in a long line of sucky things happening to me?
• All those people raising their arms in worship on Sunday mornings, are they closer to you than me?
• Why do I feel nothing when I pray, sing in worship or sit through a sermon?
• Is church the only way to you?
• Since I've told you I hate you on numerous occasions, have I forever lost my spot in Heaven?
• Why can't I be content with Cali? Why do I want more children?
• How can I be happy again?
• Do you hear me?
• Are you real?
• Is it silly to think there is someone out there who could answer these questions? 

The Table

A few weeks back I was looking for a new dinning room table or two chairs to add to our current table. For a family of three, some may wonder why we need to expand our small dinning room table.

Well before we get into that, I thought I might share why tables have always been important to me. Since I was a wee little one, I have always enjoyed a meal shared around a table with the ones I love. I can remember being in high school and forcing my parents to sit with me and eat dinner around the table instead of in front of the TV. I was also the designated prayer-er (Not a word).

Ironically my dad started a church called "The Table Community Church" when I was a senior in high school. The table played a significant roll in my life as I moved into adulthood. Those who attend this church may remember when Chad and I started dating, eventually getting engaged and then married. We also welcomed Cali into the world at The Table. We loved the casual feel this church had to offer and I appreciated the call to gather around a table each week with our church family. Many weeks we would have a discussion time in the service where we had an opportunity to chat with each other about relevant topics. The Table Community Church continues to remind me or the importance of sitting together around a Table.

As a family now, I place a great deal of importance around sitting down for dinner TOGETHER at the table. When Cali started competitive cheer, I was amendment we still must have dinner together, even if it was at 4:30 pm! This is where Cali tells us about her day, good and bad. This is where we have a good nutritious (sometimes) meal and look each other in the eyes and care for one another. A table can be so much more than a spot to eat. It's where you laugh, cry, play games, be a family, have potlucks and have deep conversations.

Unfortunately, many families don't participate in this ancient practice. Many kids don't have the luxury of sitting down for a meal with their parents.

Here are some reason why?
-Parents working three jobs to support their family so they are on their own.
-No money to buy the food to eat dinner.
-Don't have a physical house to eat in.
-Parents may have substance abuse problems and forget to make dinner,

These may seem extreme but also very true. For the past few months Chad and I have been going through training's for Foster Care to Adopt through Bethany Christian Services. We have decided to make the transition from Domestic Infant Adoption to Foster Care to Adopt and we could't be happier about this decision!

We dabbled in the idea of doing Foster Care to Adopt previously but came to the conclusion we were not ready for the responsibility that came with the job. We spent the year praying and talking to Cali. Slowly our hearts softened to the idea and here we are now. Although this is not what we pictured for our family originally, it's all we can think about now!

We have seen so many signs pointing us in this direction and the verbal affirmation from family and friends has deep-seeded a desire we didn't know we had. We now see our family being a great fit for any child, infant or not. Our family has experience grief and loss and we can shed grace and understanding to a child who is experiencing the same. We have space in our hearts and home for children who need some extra TLC and willing to except our love in whatever capacity they can.

We have heard the horror stories and we understand the challenges that may lay ahead but it's a risk we're willing to take to make a small difference in a child's life. God never said it was going to be easy and it certainly has not been! But lets not forget the many things we have to rejoice about.

Our table is open and ready for whoever may join.
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We will be Foster Care ready in October and we are over the moon about it!

When one door closes...

This morning was a random grief filled morning. They don't happen often but when they do it consumes me. Recently I've been asked a lot where we are in the adoption process. So here is an update.

I never imagined growing my family would be so hard. When I was a little girl and dreamed about getting married and having children of my own, no where did I see a death of a child, 4 failed IVF treatments, two failed adoptions and jealously of mom friends. I imagined having three children two boys and a girl. The boys would be older of course to protect their little sister. I imagined family get togethers with our best family friends who have children about the same age. Our kids would be best friends and grow up together.

Instead Chad and I are 31 and 32 with an 8 year old daughter. On track to be empty nesters by 41. Our closest family friends are in their 40's now. Everyone our age is popping out babies, growing their families and living out my dream. As I sit back and watch I realize my fists are clinched and i'm filled with jealousy. I think about all the "what ifs" and regrets and find myself getting angry at God, angry at those around me and even more angry at myself.

Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Why do I have such a strong desire to have another child? Why does this hurt so much? Am I being punished? Am I not a good mom? Why wouldn't God want me to have more children? What do we do with all the baby stuff in our house? When do we stop?

It has been 5 years since Camden has died. We have tried tirelessly to grow our family since then but it has been nothing but a journey of heart ache. With all of this being said Chad and I have decided we are not renewing our homestudy next year. If adopting a child is meant to be it will happen before then. We have invested so much money, time and effort into the adoption process with nothing to show for it. We have raised money, lost money and been a part of adoption fraud. Chad and I both said to each other recently, maybe this was not meant to be and that was the first sigh of relief I've had in a long time. I can't imagine continuing down this painful road any longer and to know Chad was on the same page felt like a sign.

Of course we are both sad. We will never understand completely why this was our path but I have seen beauty from the Ashes. Our marriage is stronger because of it. Cali has witnessed first hand that life doesn't go as planned. We have met some incredible people along the way and our best family friends might be old :p but they're pretty great.

I know this blog was kind of depressing, but life can be depressing. This is real and this is our life. When one door closes, it might stay shut.

The painting below was made by a family friend when we started the adoption process. It was supposed to represent us being a family of 4 and Camden's angel wings surrounding us from heaven. But we have considered a new interpretation. This is the family of four we were and always will be.

But you're great with people

Here's the thing, I feel frustrated. SO frustrated. I have spent most of my adult life searching for the next best job opportunity. After working several years as a teacher's assistant and knowing there was nowhere to go from there, I decided to go to school. I went to Penn State University for my associates degree. Looking back that was dumb, really dumb. It was expensive and I came out on the other end with a generic degree. No specialization or trade to move into. 6 months after graduating those annoying school loans started knocking at my door. So I had to find a job to start paying back those loans.
So remember I don't have a specialized degree, I've only worked as a teacher's assistant and then a part time Director of Youth Ministry. I start applying to jobs and getting rejection letter after rejection letter. I started to realize I wasn't even getting my resume looked at because they have computer systems that weed out the unqualified applicants immediately. Wanting to work in the non-profit sector ironically is hard to get into with out a MASTERS Degree.
So I decided I'm going to go back to school. I was working, being a mother and pursing an adoption while attempting to fit in school work. Every waking moment I was squeezing in school and I was miserable. I decided it wasn't worth it and that I would have to work EXTRA hard to get myself out there and get my foot in the door somewhere. Well I've started to do that and guess what I'm still unqualified, student loans hanging over my head and no where to go.
When I ask people what I'm good at people always comment, you're great with people. You light up a room and make others feel welcomed. You're compassionate, kind and caring. Well apparently that's not coming through on the one sheet of paper that is getting thrown in the trash almost immediately. I'm not getting the chance to show people who I really am because of a degree.
I feel the system is broken when a computer can select an applicant based on algorithms.
If any hiring manager is reading this I hope they know excellent employees can come with out degrees. Take a chance on them.
I want to make a difference in my community by working for a local non-profit. I care deeply about others and being an advocate for those who can't advocate for themselves. This isn't something you can learn in school. It's apart of who I am.

Be kind to one another

I've been doing a lot of self reflection as I watch Cali grow up. When you watch the little human being you created navigate the trenches of the world it's hard not to take things personally. I wonder all the time if I'm screwing Cali up or teaching her bad habits that will go with her into adulthood. It's a constant reminder that a littler person is listening to everything I say and watching everything I do. That's a lot of pressure.

Second grade has been an interesting year for our family. Cali is getting to the age where she can understand more and engage in more meaningful conversations. She also has SO many feelings and expresses them often. As I have watch her build friendships with other little girls I've seen some troubling behavior from both my own daughter and other kids. This age seems like a time of exploring the boundaries, finding out who is the alpha dog and finding your BFF. As time unfolds I watch girls ignore others, leave kids out, whisper in others ears, claim their BFF to hurt others and so on. It has been painful to watch and I have listened to my daughter cry one too many times about a mean girl at school or at cheer or even at church.

Seeing these behaviors first hand, I had to think... where are they learning this from? Am I treating others with respect and kindness? Am I talking poorly about others in front of my kids? Do I leave others out? Do I try to include everyone when I can? I know I have been guilty of one or more of these recently. I like to think I am a kind person but sometimes I slip. And I remember, a little person is ALWAYS watching me and listening to what I say.

As much as I want to scream and tell these girls to stop what they are doing, I know first, we as adults have to make changes and lead by example. We don't have to be BFFs with everyone but we do need to treat everyone with kindness and respect. Cali is only getting older and her relationships will only get more difficult. I pray I can demonstrate what healthy relationships look like with friends and better yet what healthy conflict resolution looks like.

To those reading this, I pray we can all have a conversation with our little girls telling them it's ok to not get along sometimes but it's not ok to hurt someone for revenge. As Ellen would say "Be Kind to One another."

As Camden's death date comes and goes, I've realized many of the people in our life never had the opportunity to meet Camden or knew we had a son. That's hard to think about. It's been five years since we last held Camden in our arms. A lot can happen in five years. We have changed jobs, started attending a new church, moved into a new house, gone through two failed adoptions, 4 failed rounds of IVF and made a boat load of new friends. I don't understand how five years ago can feel like decades ago but at the same time seem like just yesterday. I don't understand how with one image of him or a memory of our time together can bring back the tears so quickly.

I can vividly remember an older woman who attended our church at the time. called me after Camden had died. She shared with me her own loss of a child nearly 80 years ago. The conversation ended as quickly as it started as she didn't want to start crying. But she said the pain will never go away and the tears are always there. Boy was she right!

Cali has grown so much since she has last seen her brother. She seems to understand more and more each day and it seems like she is just starting the mourning stage. A few weeks ago she came in to the living room crying and said she missed having a brother. This is the first time she has ever brought it up on her own. She said she was jealous of all her friends who have siblings. She then asked if we could go down stairs and look through Camden's cedar chest which houses every last memory we have of him. The hundreds of cards we received, the memorial box the hospital gave to us, the guest book from his funeral, the quilt my sister made of all his cute clothes and all his favorite toys. All three of us sat together and just cried. It was incredibly healing and a moment I will never forget.

February 25th, 2014 will go down as the worst day of our lives. We will never forget the events that occurred that day. That day will haunt us forever. But we will also remember the 6 beautiful months we did have with Camden. He was a wonderful light in our lives. We miss him dearly but we do believe he is in heaven and we will see him again. We cannot wait for that day!

Thank you to everyone who has been a support to us over the last 5 years. This journey has been so hard but your hugs and prayers have made this just a little bit easier.