Sharing is Daring

Where are you? Why did Camden have to die? Why did you let us meet him and hold him to only take him away? How could a woman who had little trouble getting pregnant the first two times, not get pregnant through IVF? Why has every infertile person in my life got pregnant and I have not? Why has everyone going through the adoption process been able to adopt, and we have not? Why did birth mom #1 Change her mind? Why did Christian Adoption Consultants match us with the most unprofessional and illegal adoption agency in America?  Why can anyone have a baby, but good people have to jump through hoops to even be considered to adopt a child? How can good people, continue to experience bad things? How can I complain about my life, when I know I have so much more than a lot of people? Why do I have a house, clean water, food and money, when others do not? If we're called to care for mothers and orphans, why aren't you allowing us? Do I not believe in you enough to reap th...

A few weeks back I was looking for a new dinning room table or two chairs to add to our current table. For a family of three, some may wonder why we need to expand our small dinning room table. Well before we get into that, I thought I might share why tables have always been important to me. Since I was a wee little one, I have always enjoyed a meal shared around a table with the ones I love. I can remember being in high school and forcing my parents to sit with me and eat dinner around the table instead of in front of the TV. I was also the designated prayer-er (Not a word). Ironically my dad started a church called "The Table Community Church" when I was a senior in high school. The table played a significant roll in my life as I moved into adulthood. Those who attend this church may remember when Chad and I started dating, eventually getting engaged and then married. We also welcomed Cali into the world at The Table. We loved the casual feel this church had to offer an...

This morning was a random grief filled morning. They don't happen often but when they do it consumes me. Recently I've been asked a lot where we are in the adoption process. So here is an update. I never imagined growing my family would be so hard. When I was a little girl and dreamed about getting married and having children of my own, no where did I see a death of a child, 4 failed IVF treatments, two failed adoptions and jealously of mom friends. I imagined having three children two boys and a girl. The boys would be older of course to protect their little sister. I imagined family get togethers with our best family friends who have children about the same age. Our kids would be best friends and grow up together. Instead Chad and I are 31 and 32 with an 8 year old daughter. On track to be empty nesters by 41. Our closest family friends are in their 40's now. Everyone our age is popping out babies, growing their families and living out my dream. As I sit back and watc...

Here's the thing, I feel frustrated. SO frustrated. I have spent most of my adult life searching for the next best job opportunity. After working several years as a teacher's assistant and knowing there was nowhere to go from there, I decided to go to school. I went to Penn State University for my associates degree. Looking back that was dumb, really dumb. It was expensive and I came out on the other end with a generic degree. No specialization or trade to move into. 6 months after graduating those annoying school loans started knocking at my door. So I had to find a job to start paying back those loans. So remember I don't have a specialized degree, I've only worked as a teacher's assistant and then a part time Director of Youth Ministry. I start applying to jobs and getting rejection letter after rejection letter. I started to realize I wasn't even getting my resume looked at because they have computer systems that weed out the unqualified applicants immediat...

I've been doing a lot of self reflection as I watch Cali grow up. When you watch the little human being you created navigate the trenches of the world it's hard not to take things personally. I wonder all the time if I'm screwing Cali up or teaching her bad habits that will go with her into adulthood. It's a constant reminder that a littler person is listening to everything I say and watching everything I do. That's a lot of pressure. Second grade has been an interesting year for our family. Cali is getting to the age where she can understand more and engage in more meaningful conversations. She also has SO many feelings and expresses them often. As I have watch her build friendships with other little girls I've seen some troubling behavior from both my own daughter and other kids. This age seems like a time of exploring the boundaries, finding out who is the alpha dog and finding your BFF. As time unfolds I watch girls ignore others, leave kids out, whisper i...

As Camden's death date comes and goes, I've realized many of the people in our life never had the opportunity to meet Camden or knew we had a son. That's hard to think about. It's been five years since we last held Camden in our arms. A lot can happen in five years. We have changed jobs, started attending a new church, moved into a new house, gone through two failed adoptions, 4 failed rounds of IVF and made a boat load of new friends. I don't understand how five years ago can feel like decades ago but at the same time seem like just yesterday. I don't understand how with one image of him or a memory of our time together can bring back the tears so quickly. I can vividly remember an older woman who attended our church at the time. called me after Camden had died. She shared with me her own loss of a child nearly 80 years ago. The conversation ended as quickly as it started as she didn't want to start crying. But she said the pain will never go away and the...