When days become years

I can remember the first few months after Camden was born, days seemed to drag along. Chad was working long hours over night and I was at home with a new born and a 2 year old. I can vividly remember watching the clock wishing it were 4pm when Chad got home. Time seemed to move so slowly and in the blink of an eye it's 5 years later. Today would have been Camden's 5th birthday. Chad and I would be discussing if we should send him to Kindergarten or hold him back a year. We would probably be having an obnoxious over the top party with, my guess, ninja turtles or legos. Cali would be mad her brother was getting gifts and she wasn't. And I would imagine he would be starting his first season of soccer, with maybe Daddy as his coach. But we're not doing any of those things. Today we're visiting his grave sight, giving him an update on our family and telling him how much we love and miss him.

Recently I have been caught up on the word journey. Some people's journeys seem pretty straight forward. They know where they are going, they know how to get there and they trust in their compass to lead them. And other people have know idea where they are going. They don't have a clear sense of direction and the one compass they're told to have faith in seems distant and misleading.

Our journey has not made sense. It's been long and physically and emotionally taxing. It doesn't seem to end. When we get close to what we think is the end, it ends up being a dead end. So we turn around and start again, each time with a little less hope than the time before. It has been 5 years of being completely lost and we have yet to be found.

During this 5 year journey we have had some relief. Sort of like stumbling upon water during a walk in the desert or finding a fruit baring tree when you're starving. We've had generous people support our longing to grow or family. First with the doctor who preformed my tubal reversal probono, than with family members who funded our IVF treatments and then the many family and friends who came out to our adoption fundraisers. We also were matched with two different birth moms through the adoption process. Although they ended in failed matches those two situations gave us the sweet taste of our dreams coming true, even if it was for a short time. I found a job I love. We found a church full of wonderful people that care deeply about us and Cali has found LA cheer which has provided her with cheer sisters and loving and caring adults who invest in her.

So on Camden's 5th birthday, I feel very conflicted. My heart is hard because all the we have endured since he left us but at the same time it's full because we have experienced so much love and support. Ultimately, if our family never grows we know our lives our overflowing in other ways. It may be something we never get over but we will find strength to move forward and start a new journey.

For Camden's 5th birthday I ask you consider giving your time to someone else. I know all too well how fast time can go and while we're all busy, time is the most heartfelt gift of all.


Happy Birthday Camden!

Take a minute

Last night I finished reading the book The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas. First off, it was a really good read. This book is important for every white, middle class American to read. Secondly a common theme stuck out to me throughout the book. Without giving too much away, this book follows the perspective of a teenage African American girl living two very different lives. She attends a private school in the suburbs but lives about 45 minutes away in the projects. She struggles to find balance in both worlds. After she witnesses a childhood friend being murdered by a cop she fights to find justice for his life. In the process she see's the injustices first hand in conversation with some of her closest friends, on the news and in the law. 

One infuriating theme throughout the book was people questioning if the boy killed was a drug dealer. The news would report on his death and lead with "a drug dealer killed by cop." Or you would hear this girl's friends at school talking about it and comment "I heard he was a drug dealer anyways." It was like the fact that he was thought to be a drug dealer justified his death. Spoiler alert, you find out he wasn't a drug dealer which is even more infuriating. Could you imagine if you were killed and all your dirty laundry was talked about on the news to justify your death? People finding dirt on you to get their point across?

This reminds me of the border control issue we're having right now. When you turn on the news you hear "illegal immigrant families being separated at US/Mexico boarder." Notice the "illegal" part leading the story. Reminding us, that because these families are illegal justifies the crimes. 

I was just curious did you know Mexico's drug war is the deadliest it's ever been. According to LA Times Mexico has had 12,155 drug related homicides from January to June 2017. Did you also know Mexico is a source, transit, and destination country for men, women, and children subjected to sex trafficking and forced labor. Groups considered most vulnerable to human trafficking in Mexico include women, children, indigenous persons, persons with mental and physical disabilities, migrants, and LGBTI individuals. The Mexican government says poverty rate rose to 53.2 percent in 2014 and continues to rise (Business Insider) and the average monthly income per household is $10,116 (efe.com). 

Sounds like a place I would want to raise a family. Notice the sarcasm. Just for a minute if you could put yourself in their shoes. Especially being a man of the household, would you do anything to get your family out of that world? Can you see why they might be desperate to come to America? Don't be an American for a minute, be a human...What would Jesus Do? Build a wall? Separate Families? Throw them in jail? Extend a welcoming hand? Love them? Have grace on them? 

I think we all know what he would have done. Why is it so hard for us to except that and live that out? What are we scared of?

This morning as I stare out of my suburban window listening to the birds chirp, watching my daughter safely walk down the street to her babysitter's as I work from the comfort of my own home I feel incredibly grateful for the life I live. But this gratefulness doesn't stop me for caring from those who don't have those luxuries. In fact it does the complete opposite. I am pissed. It's not fair. The worlds injustices are more evident today than ever before. And most of us are just turning a blind eye in hopes it will go away. But guess what? It's not going away. We need to be a part of the solution.

Some simple and tangible ways to do this you ask?
1. Contact you local state representative.
2. Teach you kids about injustices and expose them to other cultures.
3. Follow the example of Jesus's life.
4. Read Books
5. Turn off the news and do your research.

A love that never dies

Today marks 4 mothers days since Camden has passed. I can vividly remember my first mother's day with out him. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to be celebrated. I just wanted to hide and stay off of Facebook. Even though I was still a mom to Cali, mother's day was just not the same after February 25th, 2014. Since then, I've had a mother's day after 4 failed IVF treatments. I've had a mother's day very quickly after our first failed adoption and now today we're celebrating a mother's day with a birth mom carrying our child.

Our journey has been bizarre and somewhat unconventional. Mother's day holds an entirely new meaning to me now than when I was growing up. I've always thought mother's day was meant for hand made crafts, perhaps breakfast in bed and a flower given to you after a church services. While all of these things happen, it's truly a time for me to reflect. And today as I reflect on what motherhood has meant to me, I can't help but smile. Being a mother is perhaps the hardest, most rewarding job a woman will ever experience. I've had the honor to parent Cali Love for 7 years now. While most days I go to be bed feeling competent, there are many days I go to bed wondering why on earth God allowed me to be a parent. I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. I realize how funny that sounds coming from someone who is currently in the process of bringing another child into their home but I'm just being honest. Being a mom is hard, emotional and unfair at times. But I know like many of you, I wouldn't change it for the world.

If I knew Camden was going to die before he was a part of our lives, I still wouldn't have changed anything. I would have still carried him for 9 months. I would have cared for him for 6 months. And I would still grieve his death just as I did and still do. Because I'm his mother. No matter what being a mother means you will love your child unconditionally. The love I shared for Camden will never die. I may not get to spend everyday physically with him but I know he is present in my life. I feel him, it's my mother's intuition.

As we gear up this fall to welcome a new baby into our home, I pray fervently for him (We still don't know gender but it's easier to just say he). Although I'm not carrying him, I will be his mother. He will have two moms. A mom who carried him for 9 months and made the incredibly selfless decision to make an adoption plan. And the mom that will care for him daily and Who will provide a safe and secure environment while he grows. And he will have two moms who will love him unconditionally. He will be one loved child!


"Being a mother is a connection that is unmatched and insurmountable in any form or other relationship. It’s a love that grows continually, a love that always wants more and better. It’s being terrified that you can’t prevent pain, injustice, heartbreak and at times even death. It’s laughing at jokes that aren’t even funny, but the way they say it makes it’s hilarious. It’s listening to stories that go on and on without a point. It’s always being available for the “Mommy watch me!” yells and “Mommy I need you” pleas. It’s drowning out the word MOM repeated over and over in attempts to get your attention. Its songs sang out of tune and settling squabbles with siblings. It’s being mean, and teaching hard lessons, that hurt you inside so deep you want to cry, but you must stand strong with resolve. It’s being strong for them when you are weak. It’s smiling when you want to cry, and crying when you’re smiling with pride." Huffington Post, Jessica James

I am so proud to be Cali and Camden's Mom. I can't wait to be a mother again. Remember this on those tough days... it's the hardest but most rewarding job we will ever have. "It’s a blessing, a gift, a relationship that never ends and a love that never dies."

When busy is the new norm

Almost everyone I have had a conversation with about feeling lonely and disconnected from real relationships has usually responded with "I totally agree" or "I feel the same way." Yet, society keeps moving forward as is and nothing seems to change. We're humans in a mouse wheel running through life, never stopping to actually feel. We're too busy to stop. And when we do, were confronted with our thoughts and feelings. Who wants that?

Actually, I do. If the past four years have taught me anything, it's to stop, think, feel and act accordingly. Life is just too short to keep running around the same mouse wheel. If we look at our everyday lives and really prioritize what's most important, what would it be?

Work? I get it, work it essential to make money, provide for your family and something we all have to do. But are you working a crazy amount to make more money to afford a certain lifestyle? I know this is something i'm guilty of. Who doesn't want to make more money? But is work causing you to be so tired you rarely have time for yourself, or for your loved ones? I think I've shared this before but my dad is a pastor who has spend many hours at the bedside of dying people. He told me out of all those people, not one said they wished the would have worked more in their lifetime. In fact it's the exact opposite, they wished they would have spend more time with the people they loved.

Kid's activities? oooo, this one might push some buttons but it's a sad reality today. My generation of parenting is obsessed with their offspring and making them the champion at everything. Once again I get it. It's easy to get sucked into. Heck my 7 year old daughter is a competitive cheerleader lol. But in order for Cali to be able to do it we had to set some major boundaries so we didn't get lost in it all.

1. We explained to Cali we might not be at every competition because sometimes daddy works or Mommy and Daddy has responsibilities at church. It doesn't mean we don't love you, it means we are involved in other things too.
2. We decided we wouldn't put huge exceptions on Cali. If she decided it wasn't her thing, that is ok. But guess what? It was her thing... so now we support her.
3. We decided Cali could be in one sport at time. We didn't want to become her personal taxi driver and waste every evening and weekend at a sporting event. We want her to have a childhood aside from sports and activities.
4. We have to strive to sit down together for dinner every night. (This is big for me)

I get some of you might disagree and that is ok too. But when my child's activities are getting in between my marriage, my family time and church time...that's not ok with me.

Church? Ok let me explain. I'm an active member of a congregation in Lancaster, as well as a deacon. They're many more things I could be doing at church but simple put, I don't want to. It's easy to end up every night at some church activity or meeting when you're not careful. When Chad and I were apart of a small church plant there were some Saturday nights Chad was on sound, I was on the worship team and somehow we were scheduled to do nursery too. That's when I decided we had to say no. We were involved in almost every aspect of church. Now at our new church we are deacons and I've decided this is where I will invest my heart and time. I want to be a deacon and do it well. I know this might make our church staff cringe because they always need more volunteers but you have to set boundaries in order to take care of yourself.

Scared of boredom? I'm 100% sure my daughter is scared of being bored. Chad and I have this nifty new line we like to say to her (which she hates) "Boredom Builds character." When we actually have a free evening to ourselves I'm always trying to think of something we can go do. Why? Because when its quiet we have to face each other. It's like we're so used to going, going, going we don't know how to handle free time. I'm happy to say, since I've make some of these changes in my life...I now love a free evening at home.

Our lives are no longer filled to the rim with commitments. We get to spend a lot of time together. We love to play board games, watch movies, go for a family walk, lay on the hammock together and even read! Yes Cali still complains she is board but that's ok, it builds character :) This didn't happen over night. We had to set boundaries and prioritize. I'm so glad we did. My anxiety is so much better. The things we are involved in I feel we do well. And I have time to invest in real meaningful relationships with my family and friends.

I no longer want busy to be my new norm.

Imagine

Some days I feel like I've spent my life imagining. When I was little I imagined what I would be like when I grew up. What career I would have. What my family would look like. When I was in middle school I imagined what it would be like to have a boyfriend and what my first date would be like. As a newlywed I wondered what growing old would look like and how many kids we would have. I imagined what our children would look like.

Now at 30 i'm imagining the family my child might come from. I'm imagining if our family is complete, what life will look like when Cali is all grown up.

Along with imagining, there are the "never imagines" too.

I never imagined being 30 and having a lifetime worth of pain, grief & wisdom. I never imagined hoping for another mother to give up her child in order for my family to be complete. I never imagined investing 4 years of my life into growing my family and not succeeding. I never imagined burying my son when I was 26. I never imagined wanting something so bad it physically hurts but everything is out of your control.

Imagining is a weird thing. If gives you hope and something to look forward to. But it also reminds you of what didn't happen, which isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, what we imagine for our lives is nothing compared to what God imagines for our lives. For me to type that last sentence was so hard. Me and God haven't really been on the same page for the past several years. Not even in the same book! But I do believe God's plan for my life is going to be far greater and more rewarding then anything I could have imagined.

This wait is excruciating and feels unfair at times. I have spend more time crying over this adoption process than enjoying it. I feel bitter, angry and ungrateful most days. I get angry at the process and at everyone involved. I've become a different person through this process, someone I never imagined.

But I can't help but wonder if this new person is what God has imagined all along. Someone who understands hurt, pain, perseverance, trust, faith and someone who can one day support and love a person experiencing the same world of emotions.

I recently had a friend of mine who has experienced infertility for several years share with me she was pregnant. We were able to rejoice together but also talk about the real fears she was having about losing the baby. It's so easy for someone to brush her fears under the rug and tell her she has nothing to worry about but the truth is she does. In her experience disappointment, sadness and pain were daily emotions for her. It's not something you can just forget when something goes right.

One day I do believe we will be picked by a birth mom and we will bring a baby home. When that happens we will be so excited! But we will never forget the painful road that brought us together. NEVER. And I don't think God wants us too. It's that painful road that made Chad and I who we are today, the perfectly imperfect people we are. People we never imagined.

How you changed my life

You're probably wondering who exactly changed my life? Well i'm here to explain. It comes to know surprise when I say, I'm a relational person. I appreciate all the people in my life and I cherish each connection I have with them. Understandably after Camden's death I found a whole new meaning on the importance of people in my life.

It has been nearly 4 years since Camden had his last breath here on earth and yet somehow it feels like just yesterday. In four years I have lost a son, gone through several surgery's, I have had 4 failed IVF treatments and one failed adoption. When you type it out like that, it sounds horrible. But oddly enough when I look back over the past 4 years I don't see the hurt. I don't picture the disappointment. I don't feel the warmth of the tears rolling down my cheeks. I remember each and every person who supported us along the way. I remember being loved on through mail, phone calls and visits. I remember the many dinners people provided for us. I remember the hugs I received Sunday after Sunday at church.

I know I'm going to forget someone but I'm going to try my best to remember EVERYONE over the past 4 years who was there for us:

Thank you to those of you who sent us cards in the mail. I still pull them out every so often to read. Thank you Aunt Diana for the many cards you sent us. I always received a card from you on a day I needed it most.

Thank you to Dr. Kegel for preforming my tubal reversal surgery. Although It was unsuccessful you were so kind and helpful during that very emotional time.

Thank you to Adam Forry for leading us through Camden's death, funeral and months to follow. I couldn't think of a better "boss" to have at that time. You were so kind and gracious to us. Thank you for dedicating Camden, something we will never forget.

Thank you to Kelly Harnish for being there for us emotionally, encouraging us to get grief counseling so early on and for setting up our support system at church.

Thank you Kira and Lamar for being at the hospital the night Camden died. That has always meant the world to me.

Thank you the many of you who attending Camden's funeral.

Thank you to the whole Speedwell Congregation for all the meals. They made us meals for three months! It was amazing and a huge burden lifted off our shoulders.

Thank you to everyone who donated money to pay for Camden's medical expenses and funeral. I couldn't have imagined paying for all of that on top of dealing with his death.

Thank you to Dr. Manobi and the whole team at Shady Grove Fertility. Although we left with great disappointment, the team there was great! We felt cared about and we knew they were on our side the whole time.

Thank you to the many of you who volunteered at Camden's Run or participated in the run. It meant so much to us to have Camden's name heard and being used for a good cause.

Thank you to our Home church who helped us plan and implement our Spaghetti dinner last year. We raised a lot of money to support our adoption.

Thank you One Village Coffee for letting us buy their coffee at whole sale price for our Coffee Fundraiser.

Thank you to Marian Groff for all the trips to Hershey Park. That was our first family outing after Camden had passed away. It was nice to smile again and to have fun as a family.

Thank you to Leah. She hosted Chad and I in Columbus Ohio during our failed adoption. We had a beautiful home to stay in for free!

Thank you to Leah Bardly our Adoption consultant. She is great at her job and so supportive!

Thank you to the random young man in Columbus Ohio who gave us a free lunch when he found out we were there to adopt a baby. He was one of nicest persons I have ever met.

Thank you to all of you who have donated to our Silent auction. I feel like we've been bugging people a lot lately. It's hard to constantly depend of people and their resources. Please know it doesn't go unnoticed.

Thank you to my family who still cries with us on occasion. Who randomly texts or calls to say they're thinking about us. Or tell us they miss Camden too.

Thank you to all the wonderful people I met through this adoption journey....Kendra, Carissa, Krista, Wendy, Kristen, Shelly, Sami and many, many more. If I didn't have you guys to talk to about the ups and downs of adoption, I don't think I would have made it.

Thank you to Josh and Ruby Nolt, Matt and Maddy Warfel, Adam and Elspeth Naramore. These people have been on this emotional roller coaster with us the past year. They help process with us and give their honest opinions to us. Everyone needs friends like this.

Thank you Kristin Nebel for being my doctor friend who reviews many of our situations we are given to explain to us medical terminology and conditions. She is a great doctor and friend!

Thank you to Glenn and Linda for always being willing to watch Cali at the drop of a hat, such as getting a call about a baby. Thank you for your financial support as well.

Thank you Kristy & Amber for doing grief with me. Our circumstances suck but I'm so glad we have each other.

Thank you Lauren for letting us use The Growing Place Consignment shop for Camden's Run.

Thank you Carrie for connecting us with Danielle. We Can't wait to help her!

Thank you to the Both Hands Project for approving us and helping us get closer to our adoption cost goals.

Thank you Joy for making Camden's memory quilt. That was one of the most though-felt gifts I've ever received.

Thank you you Josh for taking our awesome family photos for our Adoption profile book.


I know I forgot some of you but please know I'm grateful for each person who has touched our lives in the past 4 years. Our lives are brighter because of you.

We can't wait to share our future child with all of you. It's certainly been a long and crazy journey to get to this point and we didn't get here alone...That's for sure.