When days become years

I can remember the first few months after Camden was born, days seemed to drag along. Chad was working long hours over night and I was at home with a new born and a 2 year old. I can vividly remember watching the clock wishing it were 4pm when Chad got home. Time seemed to move so slowly and in the blink of an eye it's 5 years later. Today would have been Camden's 5th birthday. Chad and I would be discussing if we should send him to Kindergarten or hold him back a year. We would probably be having an obnoxious over the top party with, my guess, ninja turtles or legos. Cali would be mad her brother was getting gifts and she wasn't. And I would imagine he would be starting his first season of soccer, with maybe Daddy as his coach. But we're not doing any of those things. Today we're visiting his grave sight, giving him an update on our family and telling him how much we love and miss him.

Recently I have been caught up on the word journey. Some people's journeys seem pretty straight forward. They know where they are going, they know how to get there and they trust in their compass to lead them. And other people have know idea where they are going. They don't have a clear sense of direction and the one compass they're told to have faith in seems distant and misleading.

Our journey has not made sense. It's been long and physically and emotionally taxing. It doesn't seem to end. When we get close to what we think is the end, it ends up being a dead end. So we turn around and start again, each time with a little less hope than the time before. It has been 5 years of being completely lost and we have yet to be found.

During this 5 year journey we have had some relief. Sort of like stumbling upon water during a walk in the desert or finding a fruit baring tree when you're starving. We've had generous people support our longing to grow or family. First with the doctor who preformed my tubal reversal probono, than with family members who funded our IVF treatments and then the many family and friends who came out to our adoption fundraisers. We also were matched with two different birth moms through the adoption process. Although they ended in failed matches those two situations gave us the sweet taste of our dreams coming true, even if it was for a short time. I found a job I love. We found a church full of wonderful people that care deeply about us and Cali has found LA cheer which has provided her with cheer sisters and loving and caring adults who invest in her.

So on Camden's 5th birthday, I feel very conflicted. My heart is hard because all the we have endured since he left us but at the same time it's full because we have experienced so much love and support. Ultimately, if our family never grows we know our lives our overflowing in other ways. It may be something we never get over but we will find strength to move forward and start a new journey.

For Camden's 5th birthday I ask you consider giving your time to someone else. I know all too well how fast time can go and while we're all busy, time is the most heartfelt gift of all.


Happy Birthday Camden!