Empty

This morning was one of those mornings where I walked by our empty nursery and I stopped. Most mornings I walk by the open door and I don't even notice it but today I stopped, walked in and sat in the rocking chair and stared for longer than I would like to admit. I looked at all the baby gear I've accumulated over the past year since we decided to peruse adoption. The crib, car seat, stroller, changing table, baby toys and boxes of diapers gifted to us at our baby shower in March. Yup we had a baby shower for the baby we were supposed to bring home in the spring. It was just as you would imagine. A buffet of baby themed food, Diapers and wipes galore and adorable baby boy clothes. After the shower we brought everything home and in true Julie fashion I immediately organized everything. I remember sitting in the nursery that very same day staring. Staring at the crib, car sear, stroller, changing table, baby toys and diapers just like today but instead feeling a sense of relief. That day I felt like all our waiting was over. I would no longer hold jealously towards my friends who were pregnant and having babies. Our family would finally be complete and I wouldn't have to walk past an empty nursery everyday and think about Camden not being there.

But here we are six months later still walking past an empty nursery. Sitting there today, I didn't feel a sense of relief. I felt a sense of urgency and fear. I felt a lack of hope and faith. I kept counting the years Cali and our possible future baby would have in between each other. Cali would no longer be a sibling she would be a babysitter. I felt a feeling of doubt like this is never going to happen. Everyone around us sounds so confident this will happen. It's all in God's timing right? But when you're living it, it seems impossible.

Last week I counted the number of situations we were not picked for. 11 birth mothers looked through our profile book and decided for whatever reason we were not her child's adoptive parents. It's hard not to take it personally and wonder what is wrong with our family or how we present our selves. We were warned when we started this process that we could wait longer than other families because we already have a child. Many birth moms prefer families without children. But I thought how could they not like us? Look how cute Cali is and don't they know how fun and awesome we are? But all they have is a 20 page book to base their decision off of. They don't get to see our personality. They don't get to meet Cali or talk with us. They look a pictures and maybe read a paragraph about us bragging about ourselves. In every job I've applied too, I almost always got the job if I had the interview. I wish we could get an interview with a birth mom! I know they would love us. The one we did have, she picked us!

The unfortunate part is there are 21 other awesome families waiting along side us. And while I want nothing more than to be picked and move on from this, I need to wait with patience and grace, no matter how hard it is. The only way to make it through this is annoying but true..."It's all in God's timing."

We'll Wait

Yesterday after seeing a dear friend of mine update her family and friends on their adoption journey, I got inspired to do the same.

In May of 2016 we started our adoption journey. A few months later we started the home study process, fundraising and getting approved for adoption. We were officially approved January 31st, 2017 and have been on the family waiting list since then. As many of you know, birth mom situations were coming in at a rapid rate during those first few months and we were chosen for a situation in Ohio. Things moved quickly and we traveled to Columbus to complete our family. But our trip was cut short after 3 days with the baby, when birth mom decided she would parent.

Feeling defeated we traveled home in silence wondering if we could go through this again. How could we trust another birth mom after going through this? How could we travel out of state with no guarantee we would come home with a child? Who do we keep in the loop going forward? It didn't take long for us to begin reviewing new birth mom situations. Knowing we wanted a child meant we had to keep trucking forward and put our complete faith in God and the process. During the next few months until now, situations have been slim to none. Hearing the ding of my e-mail on my iphone or having an incoming call from an unknown number always makes my heart skip a beat. Maybe just maybe they're calling to say they have a baby waiting for us right now and we needed to jump on a plane to go to them. While that seems unrealistic, it does happen.

Adoptions fall through and people get calls a few days later for another child. Unfortunately this is not how Bethany Christian Services work. We simply go back on the list and birth moms get to pick their adoptive family, no matter how long a family has been waiting or what their adoption journey has been like. Part of the reason we appreciated working with Bethany was because we knew moms were being counseled and taken care of as well. They are given choices and resource to give them the confidence to parent their child. While I know this is the best for them, deep down inside I ache so much for a baby I forget to think about birth moms and their journey. I don't want to wait any longer and I'm so desperate to grow my family, I've become selfish in the process.

Right now I'm working hard at having patience and understanding. I want to know when we bring a child into our home, a mom was given all her choices and still felt the need for adoption. I want to provide a loving home for a child, not take a child from a mother who could provide the same if given the resources and help. My hope is to have a relationship with our child's birth parents so they don't have to experience the pain of completely losing a child like we have. We want to give them the opportunity to be a part of their child's life.

With all the being said, we continue to wait for that family. One who needs us as much as we need them. Life is so unpredictable. It could change at any moment. And We can't wait for "that moment."

In the mean time, we will continue to fundraiser and we will try our best to keep everyone updated as things change.

Thanks for your love and support!