I'm trying my hardest to keep it together but my emotions are running through me right now. I feel so much. I feel like I can only talk to a few select people who will allow me to vent and truly be myself with out judging me for what I believe. I have spend the last 10 years of my life as an in the closet Democrat. While I hinted about some of my opinions on social media and engaged in political debates with fellow christian friends, I was never courageous enough to come out and say I'm a christian who votes democrat. Mainly because I live in a super conservative area where politics and religion go hand in hand. Which I find deeply confusing.
As you can imagine when my husband woke me up at 3 am Wednesday morning to tell me Donald Trump had won I was in awe wondering if this was a bad dream. I could not sleep for the rest of the night. So many things were running through my mind.
What will life be like for our future adoptive child if they are a different race in a Trump run country? How will this effect Cali and her future? What will this do to our international relations? How can Hilary win the popular vote but not win the election? But my biggest question of all...How could 80% of evangelic Christians vote for Donald Trump?
Now you really don't have to answer that, because I'm pretty sure I already know. Every conversation goes straight to abortion and the supreme court. While I don't take abortion lightly I also don't agree a man who once was pro choice is all the sudden pro life in the mist of an election.
Regardless of what I believe and what your believe, there is a bigger problem facing this nation and that is, we love politics more than we love God and each other. And if you don't believe that, then you are turning a blind eye to the truth. We just spend the past year consumed by two people who promised us the world and look where we are today. Fighting, auguring, putting each other down, using hurtful language, acting childish and using social media as an outlet...I know the irony since i'm writing a blog and posting it on Facebook. But seriously, many of you reading this would consider yourself Christian. Are you proud of how you acted this past election? Do you think you allowed God into the process or was this about what you wanted? Did you let fear make your decision for you? Have you said things on Facebook that you would NEVER have the courage to say to someone in person?
Looking back, I'm not proud of myself and I wish I would have let go of this election a long time ago. I'm holding so much anger today simply because I was too involved in something that didn't involve God at all. I don't believe God would have voted for either of these candidates. I believe Jesus would have been busy taking care of the poor, spending time with the lowest of lows in society and spending his money on saving people not on political campaigns. Jesus is starkly different than the rest of us and that is obvious! We cannot expect Donald Trump to save this country...he can't, he won't. We can't expect him to stop abortion...he can't, he won't...The only person we can put our hope in is JESUS.
Jesus is worth so much more the billions trump has. He is so much more than a republican or democrat. He is our hope, peace and life. Please I begging all of you who are reading this. Let go of this election and move on. Find strength and hope is your neighbors, church and God. Spread love and peace! I'm letting go of my political position and i'm having faith in human kind and God not in politics. Life is just too short to keep this up.
I know this wasn't my most thought out or well written blog but this was healing to write for me. I needed to say this out loud.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Monday, November 7, 2016
Moving towards freedom
If you're in hopes for a great political blog post from the title, I'm sorry to disappoint you. This has nothing to do with politics. It has everything to do with the personal freedom I have gained through releasing guilt, negativity and anger from my life. When I look back at who I was just a few short years ago, I cringe. I was so caught up in pleasing everyone around me that I made myself miserable in the process. I was constantly in a state of being uncomfortable because I was never truly being myself. It wasn't until February 25th, 2014 I was able to recognize this.
For those of you who have experienced a significant loss in your life, I'm sure can agree, it changes you. I can't tell you how but it changes you. It just does. I was so emotionally distraught the months after Camden's death I didn't have the energy or desire to pretend to be someone I was not. My heart agonized and I'm sure it showed. I could burst into tears in conversation, I got angry easily when I saw people having a good time and I felt alone in my mind. Looking back I was not alone, but in that moment I felt so alone, like Chad and I were on a deserted Island screaming for someone to come save us. But the reality was, no one could save us. It was something He and I had to work though personally and spiritually.
If you talked to Chad about his grief experience he may share his feeling of guilt that loomed over him for too long. He was a home when Camden died in his sleep, and he always questioned, what if I would had checked on him just a little bit sooner? Obviously everyone would tell him, this was not his fault. There was nothing he could have done to change the situation but that didn't make a difference to Chad. It was something he had to personally let go of before he could release that guilt.
For myself I struggled with internal anger. I was so mad at myself for being a hot mess when Camden was still alive. I struggled with postpartum depression after Camden's birth. I spent a lot of time crying and leaving the house when Chad got home from work. I was so mad I didn't enjoy being a mother while he was here. I felt like he had a horrible mom and he didn't deserve that. Again, those I confided in would adamantly denounce my feelings and reminded me of the great mother I was to Camden and still was to Cali. I tired my hardest to believe them but I knew I wouldn't until I believed myself.
I thank God everyday for the people in our lives who encouraged us to get counseling right after Camden's death. I'm not sure I would have found that necessary if it weren't for the push of good friends. Through grief counseling, spiritual guidance and faithful friends we both were able to release those nagging feelings we held onto.
I feel more myself now then I have ever in my entire life. I have accepted who I am and who God created me to be. I no longer struggle with pleasing everyone around me. I see myself as a good mom. I might not be the best mom but I know I'm a good mom. I no longer pretend to be someone I'm not. I used to wish I was quieter, and more introverted. But guess what...I"M NOT! I've tired to be quiet in social settings and I just feel like I'm going to explode! It's the curse of Dan Hock on me. I'm not a cuddly, romantic person...and I married someone who isn't either. It works for us!
I'm so happy I released those feelings and now I'm moving towards internal freedom. I feel happy. Really happy.
You never know what God will teach you through an awful situation.
For those of you who have experienced a significant loss in your life, I'm sure can agree, it changes you. I can't tell you how but it changes you. It just does. I was so emotionally distraught the months after Camden's death I didn't have the energy or desire to pretend to be someone I was not. My heart agonized and I'm sure it showed. I could burst into tears in conversation, I got angry easily when I saw people having a good time and I felt alone in my mind. Looking back I was not alone, but in that moment I felt so alone, like Chad and I were on a deserted Island screaming for someone to come save us. But the reality was, no one could save us. It was something He and I had to work though personally and spiritually.
If you talked to Chad about his grief experience he may share his feeling of guilt that loomed over him for too long. He was a home when Camden died in his sleep, and he always questioned, what if I would had checked on him just a little bit sooner? Obviously everyone would tell him, this was not his fault. There was nothing he could have done to change the situation but that didn't make a difference to Chad. It was something he had to personally let go of before he could release that guilt.
For myself I struggled with internal anger. I was so mad at myself for being a hot mess when Camden was still alive. I struggled with postpartum depression after Camden's birth. I spent a lot of time crying and leaving the house when Chad got home from work. I was so mad I didn't enjoy being a mother while he was here. I felt like he had a horrible mom and he didn't deserve that. Again, those I confided in would adamantly denounce my feelings and reminded me of the great mother I was to Camden and still was to Cali. I tired my hardest to believe them but I knew I wouldn't until I believed myself.
I thank God everyday for the people in our lives who encouraged us to get counseling right after Camden's death. I'm not sure I would have found that necessary if it weren't for the push of good friends. Through grief counseling, spiritual guidance and faithful friends we both were able to release those nagging feelings we held onto.
I feel more myself now then I have ever in my entire life. I have accepted who I am and who God created me to be. I no longer struggle with pleasing everyone around me. I see myself as a good mom. I might not be the best mom but I know I'm a good mom. I no longer pretend to be someone I'm not. I used to wish I was quieter, and more introverted. But guess what...I"M NOT! I've tired to be quiet in social settings and I just feel like I'm going to explode! It's the curse of Dan Hock on me. I'm not a cuddly, romantic person...and I married someone who isn't either. It works for us!
I'm so happy I released those feelings and now I'm moving towards internal freedom. I feel happy. Really happy.
You never know what God will teach you through an awful situation.
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