Happy Birthday Camden

Well tomorrow would have been our son Camden's 1st birthday. Since he isn't here to celebrate with us, the only thing left to do is imagine what tomorrow would have been like if he were still here. Well if he was anything like his sister he would have been walking for a month now. He would be grazing on all different kinds of food and preparing to save us a whole lot of money weaning off of formula. He would be exploring all the nooks and crannies of our house and getting into things he's not supposed to. He would be attempting to break out of his crib and make a run for it. He probably would have been babbling for mamma and dadda and reaching for us to hold him.

I would probably have sent out adorable John Deere 1st birthday invitations to all his grandparents, aunts & uncles and little kid friends and their parents. I would be setting up a ridiculously huge party for a 1 year old who would never remember it. I imagine a pool party at Uncle Josh's and Aunt Lauren's. I would have got 1st year pictures taken by some amazing photograph who made my kid look amazing and then post them on Facebook for the world to see. I would have got Aunt Hope to make a delicious cake for him to shove into your face while everyone snapped pictures of him and giggled and smiled. Aunt Joy would have made him an adorable onesie with a big 1 on it. At the rate Camden was going, it probably would have been a size 18 months :) His Nana, Pop, Grandan, and Mammaw would be looking for the perfect gift for him. So many things would be happening if he were still here.

This all sounds like over kill and a little obnoxious for a 1 year old but it's the truth. These are things I would have done if Camden was still here. And those of my mom friends reading this, you probably will do the same or already had the 1st birthday experience. I used to think we mom's were crazy and spent way to much energy and time gearing up for our babies to turn into a toddler but now I see that a baby turning one is A HUGE DEAL! If Chad and I are able to have more children, I will be throwing the biggest 1st birthday party for my child. Why? because they made it! They made it through their first year of life. I've realized there are many babies who make it but there are many babies who don't. The whole process of being pregnant, giving birth and the 1st year of life is a scary time. So many things can go wrong in that time and I believe a little one's life SHOULD be celebrated whether they're here physically or watching down from Heaven.

My family has decided to celebrate Camden's life, even though it will be hard and sad. We will gather tomorrow and remember our little sweet man who gave us so much happiness and joy while he was here on Earth. I so badly wish he was here to celebrate with us. It physically hurts knowing that my 1 year old isn't here, he didn't make it. But I've got to smile that Camden was here and I got to be his mom. How lucky am I? Like any proud mom, I think I had the happiest, sweetest, most cuddly baby anyone could ask for. He was perfect.

Happy Birthday Camden!

Since I can only imagine, I imagine you to look a lot like your big sister on her 1st birthday.

Happiness is a tease

Over the past two months I have been struggling with finding true happiness. I mean I can go out and buy new clothes and that could make me happy or I can go on vacation for a few days and find joy BUT when it comes down to it, is that real happiness? Sometimes I wonder if we as human beings are capable of seeing that fine life between something that makes us happy and just simply being a happy person.

See, I think we as a society have made buying things and having things a form of happiness but I can tell you from experience it really does not. In the past three months I have tried to buy my happiness back or fill the void in my life (Camden) by putting something in his place. But as you can imagine nothing has taken Camden's place. Nothing has even come close and nothing will.

I can certainly find temporary happiness through money and wealth but it won't last.

So what will it take for me to be truly happy?

1)I would imagine contentment would be a great start. And I don't mean in my job or my house but contentment in who I am, where God has put me and the life I'm living. It's so hard to be content in our society. It really is. We're bombarded with planning for our futures and rarely do we appreciate our present. "If you’re living in the present, you’re living in acceptance. You’re accepting life as it is now, not as how you wish it would have been. When you’re living in acceptance, you realize everything is complete as it is. You can forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, and you can have peace in your heart knowing that everything that should happen will" ( http://paidtoexist.com/how-to-live-fully-in-the-present/). To me this makes sense. I need to accept my life where it is now and have peace about where it is going, even if its not in the direction I imagined. Then I think true happiness can follow.

2)I believe living simply would go hand in hand with #1. If I have less stuff I would be more capable of finding contentment and I would depend less on things and more on people and God. Today I thought about all the things I wanted and then I went through my list and wrote down why I needed them. I couldn't think of one thing I actually needed. I want to redo my kitchen because it looks like the Brady Bunch barfed on it and to make it more functional. Can I cook in it? Yes. Can I wash my dishes? Yes. Is there anything that needs fixed right this minute? No. Then why do I need a new kitchen. I don't. I guess somewhere in my head I think having a new kitchen would make me happier but it won't. Relationships can make me happy. Love can make me happy. Contentment can make me happy. Stuff can make you happy...temporarily.

3)Serve others. Dr.R. Murali Krishna says "It's one of the fundamental ways I suggest people can achieve balanced lives, whether through volunteering in the community or through finding a quieter connection with someone. We must serve others to feel like human beings. Serving others provides a spiritual connection. Mother Theresa told us that God comes to us through suffering human beings. We can't all be Mother Theresa's. But we each possess inner strengths and talents given to us so we can share them to others" (http://integrisok.com/?id=1644&sid=106). Even when I feel I have nothing left to give, I know deep down I do. And it brings me true joy to make someone else's life better as a result of using my god given gifts.

4)The last key to happiness for me is having relationships with people who need me as much as you need them. A mutual friendship like that can bring so much joy and happiness to your life. Having someone who is consistently there for you in the darkest times and the brightest times is priceless. These people are hard to come by so once you find one, never let them go. Hold them close to you heart and remember to give and take. Mutual is the key here.

I'm a far cry from obtaining true happiness right now but I have the resources and knowledge on how to get there and it has nothing to do with cherry cabinets or a state of the art Whirlpool refrigerator in my brand spanking new kitchen. And it has everything to do with contentment, relationships and my emotional well being.

The loss of life has made me rethink how I do life all together. Camden's short 6 months being here on earth has paved a whole new way of living for our family. A new journey has begun.

Philippians 4:11-13
For I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances may be. I know now how to live when things are difficult and I know how to live when things are prosperous. In general and in particular I have learned the secret of eating well or going hungry of facing either plenty of poverty. I am ready for anything through the strength of the One who lives within me.