Sharing is Daring

Oh man, life has been an emotional roller coaster over the past few months. So many feelings, so many thoughts. Some of the feelings I have toyed with just in the past two weeks would be...confusion, happiness, gratefulness, anger, jealously, unrest, fear, worry, doubt and excitement. Truthfully I can't fully describe how I feel, well, because I don't know how I feel. On Thursday I received a tubal ligation surgery which will allow Chad and I to have children again (if it works). People have been curious and wondering how excited I was to get it done. They have wondered how I feel about having the chance to have more children. All I can muster out as far as an answer is, yes i'm grateful to have the chance but honestly it's a bitter sweet occasion. Almost a year ago Chad and I made the decision to have no more children after Camden because we knew Cali and Camden were all we wanted. We felt certain that our family was complete. One thing I now know is nothing is certa...

Contrary to what you may believe the most difficult part of grief for myself has only begun. My heart it heavier now then it was two months ago. I feel weaker today then I did the moment I heard that Camden had died. Now that life has continued without Camden, I'm constantly reminded of him in my everyday activities. I see babies toddling around and I can't help but think about how he would have been at that age now. Or I see the "iconic" Carter's clothing and I'm reminded of his many cute outfits he used to wear. When I'm at church walking past the nursery it reminds me of the first few months of going back to work and trying to work in the nursery with him. I never got much done... When I see Cali playing alone I'm reminded that Camden is not there to play with her. It's impossible to go minutes without remembering what Chad and I have lost. The reminders are hard but I also struggle with the selfishness that I feel right now. I have always bee...