Bitter Sweet

Oh man, life has been an emotional roller coaster over the past few months. So many feelings, so many thoughts. Some of the feelings I have toyed with just in the past two weeks would be...confusion, happiness, gratefulness, anger, jealously, unrest, fear, worry, doubt and excitement. Truthfully I can't fully describe how I feel, well, because I don't know how I feel.

On Thursday I received a tubal ligation surgery which will allow Chad and I to have children again (if it works). People have been curious and wondering how excited I was to get it done. They have wondered how I feel about having the chance to have more children. All I can muster out as far as an answer is, yes i'm grateful to have the chance but honestly it's a bitter sweet occasion. Almost a year ago Chad and I made the decision to have no more children after Camden because we knew Cali and Camden were all we wanted. We felt certain that our family was complete. One thing I now know is nothing is certain.

I didn't want to have to get this surgery. I definitely didn't want to pay for this surgery. I don't want to paint over Camden's room and make a new nursery. I want Camden back. I want the child that I carried for 9 months and loved on for 6 months to be in my arms again. I want my family together again. But that cannot happen. And the fact is because that cannot happen I would like to have another child. I would like to have another child to hold and to love on. I want Cali to have a sibling. I want my in laws to have more then one grandchild. I want there to be happiness after all this sadness.

So yes, I'm happy to have the chance to have more children but this wasn't the plan. So it's truly bitter sweet.

The easy parts over

Contrary to what you may believe the most difficult part of grief for myself has only begun. My heart it heavier now then it was two months ago. I feel weaker today then I did the moment I heard that Camden had died. Now that life has continued without Camden, I'm constantly reminded of him in my everyday activities. I see babies toddling around and I can't help but think about how he would have been at that age now. Or I see the "iconic" Carter's clothing and I'm reminded of his many cute outfits he used to wear. When I'm at church walking past the nursery it reminds me of the first few months of going back to work and trying to work in the nursery with him. I never got much done... When I see Cali playing alone I'm reminded that Camden is not there to play with her. It's impossible to go minutes without remembering what Chad and I have lost.

The reminders are hard but I also struggle with the selfishness that I feel right now. I have always been a friend that wants to help out anyone I can. The friend that someone could call on at any time of the day and I would be there to help. I have always found great pleasure in giving and helping others. But the past few months I have had little to no energy to give to anyone but myself and my family. And frankly that bothers me. I know Chad and I are struggling and we need love and support from our family and friends but our family and friends are also dealing with their own things and they may need our love and support too. I'm trying to figure out how I can grieve but still love on others in the process. I have not found that balance yet.

Through all of this pain and struggle I would have to say the most difficult part of our journey is still ahead of us. In three weeks I will be getting the surgery (Tubal reversal) to allow Chad and I to have more children. We are excited we even have this option but as time gets closer, my fears and reservations have come forward. I have many questions.

Is having more children the right thing for us?
What if our next child doesn't make it?
What if we can't get pregnant?
Will this be hard on Cali?
When or if we have another child, will I be able to sleep again?
What if we have another boy?

Aside from all of those questions, thinking on a spiritual level, How can I have faith in the same God that watched Camden die?

Clearly my mind is filled with questions, but the ultimate answer is simple. I will have to take a leap of faith and trust that everything will be ok.

The journey will continue to get more difficult as we anticipate his first birthday August 22.

I know this blog wasn't uplifting or inspirational but it's the truth. It's the cold hard truth. Yesterday was hard, today was harder, tomorrow will be the hardest. Please continue to pray for us as life goes on. It is far from over. It will never be over.