Death has lost it's sting

Anyone who has known me for longer then 5 minutes knows that I have some irrational fears of death. For instance, I have never like thunder storms, more specifically tornado's. The minute we have a tornado warning I scramble my belongings together and head for the basement. I've always had a fear of dying in a Tornado. I've also had a fear of getting cancer. Whenever I found a weird bump on my body or randomly got sick, I was convinced it was cancer. I know, it sounds a little crazy, and I still can't believe I'm sharing this with the whole world. But I want you to know at one point in my life I spent more time fearing death then actually living my life.

You would think after experiencing such an incredible loss in my life I would fear death ever more but the exact opposite has happened to me. Shortly after Camden's passing my family and I took a spontaneous trip to Florida. Prior to Camden dying I would have been a nervous wreck knowing I had to fly on a plane but I didn't even think twice about it. I got on the plane, sat at the window seat and flew to Florida with no anxiety weighing me down. I can't tell you how exhilarating it has been to let go of a life time of fears and begin living a life again.

I can say I am at peace with death. Death has lost it's sting. I now understand more then ever that death is completely out of our control and living in constant fear is no way to live the one life you've got. Having faith has a whole new meaning to me. I have faith that God is with me at all times and he cares deeply for me. But my faith is no longer dependent upon God protecting me from bad things. I no longer pray for God to keep me safe or out of harms way. I pray that he will be with me where ever he leads me, good or bad, and he will help me get through whatever comes my way.

So yeah, one day I might get cancer, or get caught in a bad storm, literally or metaphorically, or my son might die, but have no fear God will be there faithfully. It takes time to see it but he does come through, it just might not look like you thought it would.

With all this being said, I still miss Camden more then words can express and I don't think I will ever fully understand why this had to happen to Chad and I BUT I do know Camden's death does not make God any less faithful. And his promises are still very true. One day I will die here on earth but God's promise of eternal life will be before me. I know I will see Camden again and that right there is why death has lost it's sting. Heaven is right around the corner. It actually makes me excited to think about. In the meantime I'm going to make the most of the life I have here. I want to try to be as happy as Camden was :)I love you little man. You make me want to be a better person everyday.

Babies, babies & more babies

Many of my friends have been wondering how Chad and I are handling being around other babies since Camden's passing. Well, as you can imagine, Chad and I are very different. Right now Chad loves to hold other children but me on the other hand, I struggle with it. I continue to be surrounded by other babies and pregnant woman. This is something that I have had to work through and I continue to work through.

It's not that I'm not happy for those around me with babies or those who are expecting but it's more about the reminder that I may never have more children. And I'm going to continue to watch all my friends have more and more children as Chad and I wait and wonder. I know I have a handful of friends who probably feel very similar to me when it comes to feeling left out. There are many woman out there who can't have children for lots of different reasons. And I know how lucky I am to even have one and I don't take that lightly.

I'm teaching myself how to be happy for my friends even when it's hard. I'm learning very quickly, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Meaning, many people around me are going to have children, even people who don't want them and I can't let that fester. I can't hold that against anyone. Everything that has happened in our lives is nobody's fault. I can't be mad about something that was out of my control.

Chad and I still have hope we will be able to have more children but i'm starting to realize something... We have to be ok with the idea that we may NOT have more children. It's hard to say but its a reality that we must deal with as a couple. We may be a one kid family forever and this is OK.

It's funny, I've always seen one kid families as odd (I don't mean to offend anyone) but now I realized sometimes it's out of that families control. Not everyone wants one kid but sometimes that's just how it happens. I tell Chad all the time. If Cali is our only child, well then we did good, because she's pretty awesome! I love her with all my heart and I pray that we can "give her another Camden."

<3