Don't let the title fool you. Chad and I are definitely having our rough patches since Camden passed but we're still in this together. Camden was our little man and he will always be our little man. My love for Chad has not diminished since all of this happened. In fact I would say it has made it stronger. We look at life a whole lot differently. Things have slowed down considerably and we contend on keeping it that way.
So if my love for Chad has not changed, then whom would I be talking about? Well some of you may be surprised but I realized recently I need to fall in love with God all over again. He broke my heart. I mean this wasn't your typical 7th grade heartbreak. This was an earth shattering, life changing, faith-challenging event in my life that took my heart and broke it into many pieces. And all I could think about is why did God allow this to happen. He may not have had caused this to happen, but he allowed Camden to die. That has been a hard pill to swallow.
Just like any relationship, to maintain a healthy and trust worthy partnership, it involves time, commitment, love and faith. All of these things I had tried to faithfully give God over the years. Of course I failed many times but over the past 3 years of being in youth ministry I never talked to God so much before. He was my right hand. I prayed when I was happy. I prayed when I was sad. I prayed when I was confused I prayed. I saw him at work in my life and I was fully ready to follow his path for my future...or at least if the path was easy and comfortable.
But apparently God's path for my life wasn't intended to be a walk in paradise. Actually nowhere did he ever tell me that. I hate to reference my sister again, but she is woman of much wisdom and I look up to her in many ways. Not long after Camden passed we were talking over the computer and I rambled many questions TO her, ending with, "How could He(God) do this to me?" She said maybe through all of this I would realize that God never promised my life would be easy and now I could really understand and experience what it means to have faith. Then I came across this quote: “God never said life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it.”
God isn't concerned about making me happy; rather He is more concerned about making me holy(another hard pill to swallow).
In a culture that worships the quick, easy, painless and comfortable; It is unthinkable that we would be called to endure heartache and suffering. We always hear of suffering in the cities or in the third world or even down our street, but IT does not effect us, until the suffering knocks on our door and it's our turn. Suffering will knock on all of our doors.
We are tempted to ask God, why doesn't my happiness matter? Why does she get to be happy? Why does she get to watch her son grow up? Why do they get to smile?
Although I can't answer for God, I would imagine he would say, "I do want you to be happy, but that's not my priority. I want you to live a life holy and pleasing to me, not to you. And that may look differently than what you had planned. Remember my son? His name was Jesus and I watch him die a horrible death. I watch him get beaten and cursed at. I lost my son too and for what? For YOU! I have been through what you have been through. I have mourned that death of my son. But have hope because I am with him now, eternally and one day you will be too."
It took a while for me to muster up my first conversation with God after Camden died. In fact it was only last week that I sat quietly and let God know how I felt. I hold this passage near and dear to my heart right now, "As for me, I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice." Psalm 55:16-17
No matter the tone of my prayer, God wants to hear from me. I may have yelled and cried and said things you don't say to your father but I did...and the amazing thing is... He still loves me, deeply. Yes he loves me. And I will love him again, but it will take time. I will fall in love with God all over again. Who knows maybe this time our trust and commitment will be stronger than ever? In some way I look at what happened as a faith building experience. I guess you could say the silver lining.
Broken Hallelujah- The Afters
I can barely stand right now.
Everything is crashing down,
And I wonder where You are.
I try to find the words to pray.
I don't always know what to say,
But You're the one that can hear my heart.
Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.
I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.
With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.
You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
‘Cause You've been here from the very start.
Even though I don't know what your plan is,
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.
I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call Your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.
With nothing left to hold onto,
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.
When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed.
Let me always sing Hallelujah
When I feel afraid, don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
Let me always sing Hallelujah.
