I never imagined growing my family would be so hard. When I was a little girl and dreamed about getting married and having children of my own, no where did I see a death of a child, 4 failed IVF treatments, two failed adoptions and jealously of mom friends. I imagined having three children two boys and a girl. The boys would be older of course to protect their little sister. I imagined family get togethers with our best family friends who have children about the same age. Our kids would be best friends and grow up together.
Instead Chad and I are 31 and 32 with an 8 year old daughter. On track to be empty nesters by 41. Our closest family friends are in their 40's now. Everyone our age is popping out babies, growing their families and living out my dream. As I sit back and watch I realize my fists are clinched and i'm filled with jealousy. I think about all the "what ifs" and regrets and find myself getting angry at God, angry at those around me and even more angry at myself.
Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Why do I have such a strong desire to have another child? Why does this hurt so much? Am I being punished? Am I not a good mom? Why wouldn't God want me to have more children? What do we do with all the baby stuff in our house? When do we stop?
It has been 5 years since Camden has died. We have tried tirelessly to grow our family since then but it has been nothing but a journey of heart ache. With all of this being said Chad and I have decided we are not renewing our homestudy next year. If adopting a child is meant to be it will happen before then. We have invested so much money, time and effort into the adoption process with nothing to show for it. We have raised money, lost money and been a part of adoption fraud. Chad and I both said to each other recently, maybe this was not meant to be and that was the first sigh of relief I've had in a long time. I can't imagine continuing down this painful road any longer and to know Chad was on the same page felt like a sign.
Of course we are both sad. We will never understand completely why this was our path but I have seen beauty from the Ashes. Our marriage is stronger because of it. Cali has witnessed first hand that life doesn't go as planned. We have met some incredible people along the way and our best family friends might be old :p but they're pretty great.
I know this blog was kind of depressing, but life can be depressing. This is real and this is our life. When one door closes, it might stay shut.
The painting below was made by a family friend when we started the adoption process. It was supposed to represent us being a family of 4 and Camden's angel wings surrounding us from heaven. But we have considered a new interpretation. This is the family of four we were and always will be.
