Our journey has been bizarre and somewhat unconventional. Mother's day holds an entirely new meaning to me now than when I was growing up. I've always thought mother's day was meant for hand made crafts, perhaps breakfast in bed and a flower given to you after a church services. While all of these things happen, it's truly a time for me to reflect. And today as I reflect on what motherhood has meant to me, I can't help but smile. Being a mother is perhaps the hardest, most rewarding job a woman will ever experience. I've had the honor to parent Cali Love for 7 years now. While most days I go to be bed feeling competent, there are many days I go to bed wondering why on earth God allowed me to be a parent. I have no idea what I'm doing half the time. I realize how funny that sounds coming from someone who is currently in the process of bringing another child into their home but I'm just being honest. Being a mom is hard, emotional and unfair at times. But I know like many of you, I wouldn't change it for the world.
If I knew Camden was going to die before he was a part of our lives, I still wouldn't have changed anything. I would have still carried him for 9 months. I would have cared for him for 6 months. And I would still grieve his death just as I did and still do. Because I'm his mother. No matter what being a mother means you will love your child unconditionally. The love I shared for Camden will never die. I may not get to spend everyday physically with him but I know he is present in my life. I feel him, it's my mother's intuition.
As we gear up this fall to welcome a new baby into our home, I pray fervently for him (We still don't know gender but it's easier to just say he). Although I'm not carrying him, I will be his mother. He will have two moms. A mom who carried him for 9 months and made the incredibly selfless decision to make an adoption plan. And the mom that will care for him daily and Who will provide a safe and secure environment while he grows. And he will have two moms who will love him unconditionally. He will be one loved child!
"Being a mother is a connection that is unmatched and insurmountable in any form or other relationship. It’s a love that grows continually, a love that always wants more and better. It’s being terrified that you can’t prevent pain, injustice, heartbreak and at times even death. It’s laughing at jokes that aren’t even funny, but the way they say it makes it’s hilarious. It’s listening to stories that go on and on without a point. It’s always being available for the “Mommy watch me!” yells and “Mommy I need you” pleas. It’s drowning out the word MOM repeated over and over in attempts to get your attention. Its songs sang out of tune and settling squabbles with siblings. It’s being mean, and teaching hard lessons, that hurt you inside so deep you want to cry, but you must stand strong with resolve. It’s being strong for them when you are weak. It’s smiling when you want to cry, and crying when you’re smiling with pride." Huffington Post, Jessica James
I am so proud to be Cali and Camden's Mom. I can't wait to be a mother again. Remember this on those tough days... it's the hardest but most rewarding job we will ever have. "It’s a blessing, a gift, a relationship that never ends and a love that never dies."
