Imagine

Some days I feel like I've spent my life imagining. When I was little I imagined what I would be like when I grew up. What career I would have. What my family would look like. When I was in middle school I imagined what it would be like to have a boyfriend and what my first date would be like. As a newlywed I wondered what growing old would look like and how many kids we would have. I imagined what our children would look like.

Now at 30 i'm imagining the family my child might come from. I'm imagining if our family is complete, what life will look like when Cali is all grown up.

Along with imagining, there are the "never imagines" too.

I never imagined being 30 and having a lifetime worth of pain, grief & wisdom. I never imagined hoping for another mother to give up her child in order for my family to be complete. I never imagined investing 4 years of my life into growing my family and not succeeding. I never imagined burying my son when I was 26. I never imagined wanting something so bad it physically hurts but everything is out of your control.

Imagining is a weird thing. If gives you hope and something to look forward to. But it also reminds you of what didn't happen, which isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes, what we imagine for our lives is nothing compared to what God imagines for our lives. For me to type that last sentence was so hard. Me and God haven't really been on the same page for the past several years. Not even in the same book! But I do believe God's plan for my life is going to be far greater and more rewarding then anything I could have imagined.

This wait is excruciating and feels unfair at times. I have spend more time crying over this adoption process than enjoying it. I feel bitter, angry and ungrateful most days. I get angry at the process and at everyone involved. I've become a different person through this process, someone I never imagined.

But I can't help but wonder if this new person is what God has imagined all along. Someone who understands hurt, pain, perseverance, trust, faith and someone who can one day support and love a person experiencing the same world of emotions.

I recently had a friend of mine who has experienced infertility for several years share with me she was pregnant. We were able to rejoice together but also talk about the real fears she was having about losing the baby. It's so easy for someone to brush her fears under the rug and tell her she has nothing to worry about but the truth is she does. In her experience disappointment, sadness and pain were daily emotions for her. It's not something you can just forget when something goes right.

One day I do believe we will be picked by a birth mom and we will bring a baby home. When that happens we will be so excited! But we will never forget the painful road that brought us together. NEVER. And I don't think God wants us too. It's that painful road that made Chad and I who we are today, the perfectly imperfect people we are. People we never imagined.