August 22nd, 2017 would have been Camden's 4th birthday. It sounds so bizarre to say that. I remember him as an infant babbling and cooing but to picture him as a 4 year is nearly impossible for me. My heart is no longer stuck in the "what if" stage but rather in the "this is reality" stage. I once sat around wondering what life would be like if Camden were still here but now I've moved towards my reality. Reality is Camden hasn't been here for 3 and a half years. We have spend our lives predominantly a family of three and its hard to remember any different. Both stages are equally painful for me. Living in reality makes me feel heartless and almost like i've forgotten about Camden. Living 6 months with two children was wonderful but very short. I can't remember what it was like. I can't remember his personality or his schedule. I can't remember his movements or his smell.
All I have are his pictures. The pictures tell me I had a son. They say we were a happy family of four and Cali had a bother. But reality is, it doesn't feel like it. Cali speaks of him less and less and most of the people in our lives never met him or even know about him. This is our reality.
This afternoon I went to visit Camden and ironically there was a funeral taking place at the church where he is burried. I sat in front of his grave remembering the day we laid him to rest and the events that led up to his funeral and the weeks to follow his funeral. I can remember every detail of the day he died. I can remember who was there that night in the hospital and at our house when we came home. I can remember three days later going shopping with my sisters at the mall for a dress to wear to my son's funeral. I remember Chad and I picking out a baby sized casket and grave stone. I remember lots of flowers being delivered and visits from people I hadn't seen in a while. I remember Pastor Adam walking us through all the details of a funeral and holding our hands as we followed. I remember being over whelmed by how many people came to his funeral and showered their love over my family and Chad and myself. I remember going to Florida shortly after his funeral with my parents and Chad and Cali. I can remember it being awful but also needed. I can remember getting meals from people at church for three months following his death. I can remember randomly getting cards in the mail up to year after.
My biggest fear all along has been people forgetting about him. Forgetting the dates and forgetting what he meant to us. Honestly, this has started to happen but I realized something very important today. People may forget but Chad and I won't. Camden will always be our son and a part of this family. We will never leave him behind. He will be with us in spirit always.
I'll end with this. Today while I was driving around my old stomping grounds I couldn't help but think about my childhood and all the special memories I share from Conestoga, Pequea BIC & Penn Manor. Looking at myself today and seeing how far I've come from being a child, a teenager, a young adult and now a woman, I'm pretty darn proud of myself. I was once an insecure, naive, scared little girl. I'm now confident, strong and bold. Dealing with Camden's death has strengthened me and continues to show me what I can over come.
I used to laugh when people told me, Chad and I were strong. I didn't believe it. But today I say with confidence...We're strong.
