The past year has been a year of emotionally exausting challenges that I had to work hard to over come. While I would like to say I conquered last year with grace and strength, I can't. I fell hard many times. And if it wasn't for my amazingly supportive husband, I'm not sure I would have made it out as well as I did.
I struggle with anxiety. It sounds so small when you say it like that. But anxiety is no small thing. It can consume your life and affect everyone close to you. Just ask Chad. And on a more personal level I struggled with health anxiety. When your son dies for no reason at all, it makes you scared of everything. For a while I had a fear anyone could die at any moment. Which is true but not rational. In the past year I was engrossed with negative thoughts about my health. A rapid heart beat I thought must be a heart attack. A small lump on my body....cancer. Head aches must mean a tumor. I spent more time in a doctors office then I'm proud to admit. Even a couple trips to the ER for panic attacks. At one point I was taking Cali's temperature several times a day just to make sure she wasn't getting sick. But somehow through all of this I was able to wake up the next day and act like everything was fine. It was like Chad and my little secret.
If your wondering why I'm sharing this to the world now, it's because the few people I did share my personal story with actually could relate to me. You wouldn't believe how many woman I've talked too who have a sick obsession with googling symptoms. I'm mean who hasn't, right? But seriously, googling your symptoms can be a very unhealthy habit and I learned that the hard way.
It wasn't till I had a heart to heart with my mom after one of my trips to the ER that I realized I had a problem and I needed help. With many hours of soul searching and talking with my therapist I came to the conclusion that I'm scared I would die and our family would become even smaller. I was afraid Cali would loose her mom and her little brother and how would that effect her? Our family has been through so much and is so small already. I couldn't imagine one of us dying too.
Those thoughts had been squandering my spirits for too long and I decided I was tired of it. At the end of December I committed to taking an anti-depressant medication regularly, doing positive self talk when old habits creep back and running every other day. These three simple changes have made a huge impact in my life. I've learned I'm a person who needs the help of medication to calm my thoughts for me to live my life. And I'm not ashamed to say that. There are people out there that will tell you all the ways to squash depression and anxiety naturally, like eating healthy, essential oils, praying more and trusting in God. While those are great practices to help, sometimes that's not enough for certain individuals...like me.
Hi, My name is Julie Hillard and I suffer for Anxiety.
I wish I would have been able to say that along time ago. I could have had more support this last year. There are no reasons why any of us suffering from depression and anxiety need to be ashamed or embarrassed. We need to talk about it more and support one another. That is why I'm sharing my story tonight. Someone needed to hear my story.
Thank you Chad for Loving me "In sickness and in health."
