Just about two years later we found out we were pregnant AGAIN but this was a surprise. That August we gave birth to our son Camden. Like many family we were so excited: we had our girl and our boy. "The million dollar family" some would say. We took a sigh of relief after his birth because we knew this was our family. It was complete. Two kids were all we planned for and all we really wanted. We had made it official by getting my tubes tied during my c-section. Little did I know, I would want more children in the future...but not for the reasons you think.
The first few months of having two kids were challenging for me. I'm not a natural "baby" person. Many days I cried and felt inadequate as a mother. Leaving the house was an impossible task with a baby and a needy toddler. It didn't help that Camden's first few months of life were over one of the worst winters in 20 years. We were snowed in numerous times, making for some very tight quarters and a major case of cabin fever for all of us. My husband works strange hours as a truck driver so he wasn't always there to help. It was just me and the kids. Looking back I wish I would have cherished those moments more and complained less, but I can't go back in time. I can only remember this for the future.
I remember having a very rough day with my daughter on February 24, 2014. So much so, when my husband came home I ran off to the bedroom and locked the door and cried to my sister. She told me I wasn't a horrible mother, but that this was season in life. She gave me some advice and I began to feel better.
The next day, February 25, 2014, I promised to have a better day. I woke up on the right side of bed and I made the decision to be happy and play with my kids. And so I did. I did puzzles with my daughter. I sat on the floor with my son and played with him. He was just beginning to sit up and play with his sister! It was fun to watch. Camden was more sleepy than usual that day. I thought maybe he was teething or was going through a growth spurt. During Cali's afternoon nap I remember holding Camden in my arms and watching him sleep. I always loved watching him sleep. He was so peaceful and beautiful. My husband got home around 4pm and we did the usual: I made dinner while Chad played with the kids. Everyone was happy and well-rested. Before we sat down for dinner Camden started fussing a little so we decided to lay him down for another nap. Little did we know that would be the last time we would hold him.
After dinner I left home to run some errands. Camden was still napping. Chad and I had some small talk on the phone while I was out and I remember him saying "I'm going to wake up Camden, it's been a long nap." And so he did, or he tried. Twenty minutes later, as I was walking into my parents house, I received that gut-wrenching phone call from Chad telling me to come home. I asked why but he wouldn't tell me. He repeated "Come home." If you know my husband, you take what he says seriously. I dropped everything I had in my hands and ran to my car. My dad came with me. Frantically driving home I called my husband again and again to ask what was happening. He finally told me to go directly to the hospital, it was Camden and he was not doing well. I pulled over, crying hysterically and my dad and I switch seats. My dad took us to the hospital. Like a Hollywood movie, that drive felt like forever.
Once we got to the hospital I ran inside to the receptionist and said "My son is in there. Let me see my son." Then I saw it, in her face. She knew who I was and she didn't want to say anything. Out came a hospital clergy. He walked me back to Chad and I ran to him. Again, it felt like a movie...a very bad movie. I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea how bad it was. All we could do was wait.
Waiting in the small family room with our parents and pastors, a tall dark haired doctor walked in. Just like the show "ER" he said "I'm sorry to tell you that he didn't make it. We did all we could but it was too late." I remember losing my breath and everything began spinning. I heard Glenn, Chad's dad weeping in the corner and my Dad looking completely shocked. We were slowly escorted back to his room where we got to see him and touch him and say our goodbyes. I was hesitant at first. I didn't want to touch him. But I knew I had to. Chad and I sat next to each other and we each had a turn to hold him. We sang Jesus Loves Me to him and rocked him for a while. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I will never forget what he looked like at that moment. He was cold, white and covered with medical equipment. But he was still beautiful and he was still our Camden. The second hardest thing I have ever had to do was leaving the hospital. Leaving my son. Leaving his body and going home. Everything felt wrong about it.
How could this happen? What happened? Was he sick? What did we do wrong? All these questions ran through my head. The doctors had no answer. NONE. There was nothing obvious that happened to him. Throughout the whole evening Camden had the best of the best doctors working on him. From the 20 some EMT'S who showed up at our house, to the 5 doctors working on him frantically in the ER. They tried. They tried hard. But he was already gone. He passed away in his sleep and Chad had found him lifeless and pale. The calm person my husband is, he had quickly called 911 and began performing CPR on Camden. Our 3-year-old daughter witnessed it all. There was nothing he could have done. Camden died of SIDS. Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. You hear about this in your prenatal classes and in your textbooks in school but never do you imagine it happening to you. After Camden passed, our doctor informed us that Camden had a 0.05% chance of dying of SIDS. Yes, Camden is now part of a VERY small percentage of babies who die for absolutely no reason.
If you're wondering: SIDS is the leading cause of infant death under one year of age. SIDS cannot be predicted or prevented at this time. SIDS is not caused by neglect or child abuse. SIDS is not contagious or infectious. SIDS is not caused by an immunization. SIDS is not considered hereditary. SIDS is not a new medical problem. SIDS occurs rapidly and silently, usually during periods of sleep. The baby does not suffer. SIDS occurs in families at all social and economic levels. SIDS probably has more than one cause although the final death mechanisms appear to be similar. SIDS is not anyone’s fault.
Well that is it for now. Come back to my blog and follow me along in this journey of grief. I have no idea what the future holds for me but I do know God had a much different plan than I did. Now I must figure out what this is.
